November - Serve Your Neighbors #davidsmission

A little over 15 years ago we had sold the home we built and were looking for a new home in Northern Utah County. We did so with many  prayers in our hearts: Help us find a home that's comfortably within our budget; help us find a place where our kids can grow up with good friends; a place close to my husbands work; a place with friends for us, the adults; a place where we would find great happiness. Looking back on 15+ years in this home, I'm overcome with how abundantly these prayers have been answered.

One of the greatest blessings has been the opportunity to be surrounded with extraordinary neighbors and friends. I've heard it shared many times, from new move-ins to visitors: there is something unique and beautiful about the people in this area. It is almost palpable, when you open your heart to see it, the feeling of unity and love in this corner of our little world.  This is not just a select small group of individuals; it really is a majority of the area.

This is why my heart swells this month as our family approaches our service theme: Serve your Neighbors. We want to introduce you to  an idea with a little talisman that will help us remember to move this service around.

Meet our Kindness Trains. In the next week these trains will be visiting some of our neighbors as we perform a secret act of service on their behalf. Once done, we will leave the train with a card of instructions attached, directing how the neighbors can jump aboard the train and move the kindness along. We encourage anyone who get visited to snap a picture of the service given to you and either post on social media with the hashtag #davidsmission or email me at marissa@allens.net.

I would love to see the Kindness Trains move throughout the state and continue into the new year. Or, start your own movement out of state. I found these wooden trains at Hobby Lobby and gave them a coat of paint. I will include a copy of the card you can save and attach. 

Hope you all jump on the Kindness train and Spread kindness throughout your neighborhood. Can't wait to see what service ideas you come up with. 💕

List of service ideas:

~Make them dinner or a freezer meal
~Clean part of their house
~Do some of their yard work
~Take garbage to roadside and return after they are empty
~Take them baked goods
~Visit someone lonely
~Drive Carpool for a week
~Babysit for them, for free
~Wash car windows
~Send someone flowers
~Send a care package
~Gift card to go out to eat
~Anonymous thank you note
~Take someone to lunch
~Holiday treat bags

October - Serve the Missionaries #davidsmission

When we become baptized members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we make covenants to take upon ourselves the name of Christ.  Each Sunday thereafter we partake of a sacrament, renewing that covenant, and promising that we will always remember Him and always have His name with us.  One way that members of the Church can do that is by becoming missionaries, to go out into the world and testify of Christ. Our youth, ages 18 or 19, can be called on Missions where they set aside their worldly ambitions and give 18 months to 2 years of their lives to serve the Lord, testifying of Christ, and preaching the gospel that He taught when He lived on this earth.  It is these young men and women that we want to honor this month.

Even though it is a sacrifice to be away from family and friends for 2 years of their lives, I know that they do so willingly because of their great love for their Savior, for all the blessings that He has brought into their lives.  As members of the church we strive to help them in their efforts by telling our friends and neighbors all the goodness that Christ has brought into our lives. 

This month we will be 'adopting' our missionaries from our neighborhood.  Currently our congregation has 9 young adults serving in the mission field, from California to Hong Kong and many places in between.  It is our goal to make care packages for each one, including treats and letters from home, honoring and thanking them for their service, hoping to help them feel we are supporting them from back home.  We would also like to include Books of Mormon with our testimonies in the front so that our belief in the Savior can spread around the globe. 

How would you like to help?  What ways can you think to honor a missionary this month?

Another Part of the Story

Many people, my daughter included, have asked me when I intend on writing the rest of her story.  That's a tricky question.  Let me explain why.

This past week said daughter sent me a poem she had written for her creative writing class; a beautiful poem about what she thought love was before, and what she grew to learn it truly was. As I read I was not expecting the emotional response my body would have.  All those past feelings from the time of her struggles, all the heartache a parent has when their child suffers, all the anxiety that overcame my being at that time, it all returned in a few short sentences.  The immediate threat was no longer present, but that did not mean my body knew how to respond differently.

I have was is called emotional PTSD.  It is very real.  While I am doing a lot of thought work, redirecting and reframing emotions, that takes time and practice.  I did that this week, reworking my emotions and working through my thoughts after I finished the poem.  These are the reasons I am not ready to publish the rest of her story, yet.  I have more emotional work to do before I am ready to readdress that time in my life again.

So, thank you for your patience.  I know some of you want to hear her story so that you can get answers for the struggles you are currently working through with your own children.  In a way, I guess I just gave you another very real piece of the story.  Sometimes that ugliness continues even when everyone is in a much more joyous, balanced place. And that's just reality.


Her Poem:

I thought love was beautiful.

I thought it was messy and chaotic

But somehow, still beautiful.

I thought love was a goodnight kiss

And a wink that left you with a feeling

Of hope for the good morning smile.

I thought love was playful.

I thought love was colors

And laughter that grew like

Vines into beautiful flowers that

Bloomed into spasmodically-

Colored petals and sweet aromas.

I thought love was strong.

I thought love was two against

Everything else and nothing

Else mattered and no one else

Could intrude and protection went both ways.

I thought love was strong.

I didn’t think love would hurt.

I didn’t think love would leave me

Feeling like I did something wrong

Or like I wasn’t doing enough or

Like I wasn’t worthy of trust or that

I had been alone for so long because I could say no.

I didn’t think love was a tempest.

I didn’t think love would leave me

Bruised and bleeding on the shower floor

Because there was no one else to hurt

Except for myself because no matter what

I said he wouldn’t believe me when I told the truth.

I didn’t think love was supposed to turn its back on you.

I didn’t think love was that feeling where you

Can’t stop crying and must stop breathing

Because the breath drowns you in salt

And vinegar and bitter farewells.

I didn’t think love was supposed to hurt so much.

So I left.

And love became beautiful again.

Love became everything I had hoped

And everything I thought it was meant to be

And we laugh and we cry and we drive

Each other nuts but our love is beautiful

Just like love should be.

I thought love was supposed to be beautiful

Because it is. Our love grows flowers

That blossom in starlight because love

Shines bright in the dark and holds you

When your world is caving in around you

And the only thing holding you together is love.

And that’s when I realized that love is a sunset.

Love is a sun that sets on the heartache

And rises into something worth keeping

And working on until it is polished brighter

Than the diamond on my finger.

This is love, and it is beautiful.

September - Serve the Ailing, Serve the Struggling #davidsmission

As I sat down and planned our service themes for this year I didn't realize that this was childhood cancer awareness month. When three of my dear friends posted on social media, bringing this awareness to my mind, I was awed by the inspiration I had received to choose the theme I did for this month: Serve the Ailing/Serve the Struggling.

Although it has been a few years or more since my friends' children or loved ones have battled cancer, I still think often about what a difficult thing it would be to watch your child fight this disease.  I also think of all the support they had to have received to get through such a fight; support that gave them strength to endure watching one more treatment, take part in one more sleepless night, clean up one more bout of throw-up.  No parent should ever have to do something like this alone.

I have always loved the thought that we become the angels God needs on earth, to administer the help He would give it He were here.  We are needed by those who are afflicted, by those who are barely keeping their heads above water, by those who are silently suffering from mental anguish. Even those small acts that seem like mere drops in an empty bucket can relieve the thirst of a parched soul. 

Our family has chosen to keep this service close to home.  There are many in our church family who need relief in one way or another.  We will fast and pray for them; we will bring treats and a visit; we will babysit children so they can have a much needed night out; we will visit the lonely; we will be friends.

What will you do this month to become an angel?

August - Serve the Children #davidsmission

One of my favorite parts of the Book of Mormon is found in 3 Nephi when Christ is visiting the American continents.  After having spent time with the people, allowing them personal witnesses of Him, teaching them His gospel, and administering to the sick, He stands and commands the little children to be brought to Him.  He surrounds Himself by these little ones and offers a prayer so magnificent and sacred that words could not even be written to equal the power of it.  Filled with emotion, He takes the children one by one and blesses them and prays for them, weeping as He does so.  As He finishes and directs the multitude to "Behold your little ones," they behold the heavens open and angels descend and minister to these children.  In what ways are you striving to "Behold His little one"?

I love spending time with my nieces and nephews.  While visiting my brother in another state earlier this year, I sat outside with my nephew as he excitedly searched for bugs to show me.  While I'm not a fan of spiders I loved watching his excitement as he cupped them in his hand and gentle brought them to show me his treasure.  I loved the bubbling energy as I went later that night to catch little frogs with the family and see how proud they were when they accomplished the difficult task and then gently releasing them back into the pond.

I've enjoyed being the "relief society mom" for a new mother, as I cradle her fussy baby and allow the mother to enjoy an hour break to feel of God's spirit.

I've enjoyed taking my kids friends into our home, feeding them dinner, including them in family prayer and scripture study, making them a part of our family by loving them for who they are.

In my small way, I feel that I am trying my best to "Behold" His little ones as He beholds them, to love them in the way He would love them.

I often think of the tender love the Savior has for children.  He knows of their importance. He knows them individually and ministers to them individually, just as He does for His adult children.  I believe He has an even more tender place in His heart for children, so recently descended from heaven, experiencing so many new things.  I hear Him in my mind, cheering them on, encouraging them to find joy in this journey, despite the hard life ahead.

With these thoughts, I get excited about the service theme this month: Serve the Children.  I was so blessed to have an amazing childhood, and I know by kids are blessed with even more than I was.  But there are many, many children, even in our own neighborhoods, that stand in need of more.  More love, more acceptance, more money, more time with caring individuals, more basic needs met. More of more.   There are so many "mores" that it was difficult for me to narrow down the services that I want to provide.

Ways that you can help:
~Recently at our family reunion we started the first part of a service for children.  There is an organization that makes character wigs for children who have lost their hair due to cancer or other illnesses.  Our family decorated the envelopes that will hold the cards that go along with these wigs as they are given away.  We will be doing a second round of this service. www.themagicyarnproject.com

~I wanted to do a drive to collect school item for children in need as they head back to school, and was excited to see that a young man in our ward is doing this for his eagle project.  Our family will be contributing to this worthwhile project.  Donations are needed by Aug 13. contact me if you want to contribute.

~We have children in our neighborhood taking part in a summer reading bingo where they receive treats for certain bingos, with a party at the end of the summer if they get a blackout.

~I have a special surprise that I am working on as well, that I will reveal at the end of the month. :)

Other Ideas:
~Hold a bike wash for neighborhood kids
~Serve a meal at the Ronald McDonald house
~Children's book collection for library/WIC/classrooms
~Play date with special needs children
~Pack Lunches for homeless children
~Check out the app JustServe.  There are many, many ideas of serving children listed there.

July - Serve Your Ancestors #davidsmission

Does it feel like we missed June?  Well, in a way, I was still continuing the service from May: Serve yourself.  Even when there are grand things I want to pursue, good things I want to accomplish, I have learned the essential need to take care of myself and allow myself to heal when that healing is needed.  At times, that means other well-meaning things have to take the backseat position and wait patiently for me to be in a place where I can invite them back to the front. 

June was Serve the Community.  I originally had lavish plans of orchestrating a big event, such as a Special Olympic or a large scale community clean up.  Instead, I reminded myself that the service doesn't have to be grand to reach the individual.   The week after school got out we sat on the corner with a cooler and a sign: "Welcome Summer!  Free Popsicles!"  A handful of grateful customers stopped by to kick off their summer with a sweet, sugary treat. 

The end of the month found us around the city, writing words of encouragement on sidewalks.  Service doesn't have to reach the masses.  This month was a good reminder to reach out to the one.  If only one person got a free popsicle, if only one person read a message that made them smile, then that was more than enough. 

As I still seek healing in my life, I look towards the service I chose for this month: Serve your Ancestors.  To some, this may seem like a strange theme to choose for a service.  Let me explain as best I can. Without touching on that which is too sacred to me, I want to testify of the tremendous help and guidance I have often felt from those loved ones who have passed on.  They are in my life still.  They are aware of me and often help where they can to strengthen me through trials and help me feel of God's love.  I feel blessed to have the conviction that we are connected eternally, that I will see these loved ones again someday. 

I have a duty to them. As they are helping me from the other side I have the responsibility to help them how I can, here in the flesh, to do things they cannot do. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we feel it is our opportunity to take the joy of the gospel we have found and offer that to others, including those who have passed on.  We do this by being baptized vicariously for our ancestors in temples throughout the word, and by making further covenants for them in these temples.  They then have the opportunity to accept or reject the gospel message in heaven, an opportunity they may not have had while on earth.  But if we don't do the work to make those covenants for them, they will miss those opportunities of joy that are offered. 

I can not think of a better service to give my ancestors than to offer them the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

This month I will be spending time in the temple, making covenants in behalf of my ancestors.  I will be taking time to write their stories in family search and adding pictures.  I may even share on social media some ways my ancestors have influenced my life. We will end the month with a family reunion to celebrate the legacy left by my grandparents. 

I invite you to join me.  For the endowed members of the Church of Jesus Christ I invite you to do at least one ordinance in the temple for an ancestor.  (I'd love to see your pictures in front of the temple that day. 💖 ) I invite you to share a story, a picture, a joke your grandpa used to tell.  Help us honor our ancestors.

My Grandpa and Grandma Barker on their wedding day, with their parents, some siblings,

 and friends

May - Taking Care of You #davidsmission

Life rarely takes us on the path of least resistance. In fact, life is often filled with black diamond courses, difficult level hiking, and plummets made not for the faint of heart. Facing these daunting odds may make one feel inadequate for the tasks ahead.  How will I ever make it though to the other side of this ravine? How can I keep moving forward without changing the way I proceed?

I recently read an article in the April 2019 Ensign addressing sister Cecily Smith's struggle with depression.  I loved the section where she lays forth how she changes the way she proceeded forward with simplicity during those difficult times.  "I've learned to slow down my pace and.. care for myself so I can take care of my family.  I've sometimes had to miss important events, but the more I take care of myself, the quicker I recover." Quoting Elder Uchtdorf, she adds: "When stress levels rise, when distress appears, when tragedy strikes, too often we attempt to keep up the same frantic pace... There is beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity."

This month of service must needs be different for our family.  While traveling back from St. George recently, I was re-listening to general conference.  Sister Eubanks talk struck me when she said: "Part of this life in knowing what NOT to do." While there are many, many good things you can choose to do in life, there are times when you need to choose not to do them.  There are times when life needs to be simplified, the horses corralled and cared for, the spirit recharged and refreshed. That is this month for us.

What needs do you have?  What ways do you need to do things differently this month to take care of you first?  Never forget that giving service to yourself is no less important than giving service to others.

April - Serve the Babies #davidsmission

We are entering our 4th month of service.  What an incredible year this has been thus far.  I never imaged the variety of service opportunities that our family would be introduced to.  Many of the services we have done are ones that we plan to make traditions in our home.  Not only have these opportunities blessed those who we serve but it is bringing a myriad of people together and opening their lives to connections they never thought about before.

This next month is one I have been anxiously awaiting, as it has very personal meaning and is directly tied to our son, David.  In the hospital were we delivered there is a unique group of parent volunteers called the Parent to Parent group.  Its members consist of parents who have lost little ones at birth and desire to give back to help support those who must face the same tragedy.  After David passed a group member came in and spent time with us taking pictures, making casts of his hands and feet, helping us dress him, and giving us cherished keepsakes that tied our memories to something good.  These keepsakes still bring back fond memories of service given, right along the memories of the time we had with our baby.  I always intended to donate these same services back some day.

My favorite connection keepsake, a gold ring worn by David.  

If you ever see me wearing this necklace you know I am needing connection to him that day.

Although I had made an outfit and quilt for David to be buried in, many parents do not have the foreknowledge that their child will be passing.  It is from donations of caring individuals that they are able to cloth their child and cuddle them, giving them the dignity they deserve.  This month I, along with anyone who cares to join me, will be making Angel Gowns and blankets for parents and babies in need.

Angel gowns

You need not be a seamstress to contribute to this service.  Fabric could be donated and I will do the sewing. 😊  Another beautiful way to contribute:  An unused wedding dress can be repurposed into many, many angel gowns.  Here are some other ways to Serve the Babies this month:

~Blankets for the cribs in the NICU

~Offer photography services to parents who lost a baby

~Clean the headstones of babies in local cemetery

~Put flowers on the graves of babies

~Ask if your local NICU has a cuddle program, where you go in an cuddle babies in need

~Serve a meal at the Ronald McDonald house

March - Serve the Family #davidsmission

Two months into our mission.  What have these first few months shown us? First, there are so many service opportunities out there that we never really thought of before.  A bit of searching can bring more opportunities that  you could ever fulfill. That's okay.  We don't need to do it all.  Even small things, even done once, can make a big difference.  Second, we see that there are some things that are great fits for our family that we could do again and again, and there are some things that were great to do once but probably won't be revisited.  Again, that's okay.  The service was still given and the audience was still blessed.  Third, I had to think through my reasons behind posted the activities on social media.  Am I advertising our 'great deeds' for all the world to see? I really struggled with this. I struggle to post service activities because I don't want it to take away from the spirit of what was actually done. What I learned about this thought exercise was this:  As I mentioned earlier, there are many opportunities of service that I never thought about before.  I want to show others what is available to them. Then, if something pricks their heart, they too can now reach out in a way they never thought about before.  I want to show others the joy of the receivers.

With that, I want to introduce you to this next theme: Serve the family.  What does that mean to you?  Don't we already do that each and every day, especially as parents?  I am reminded of a talk given in general conference recently were a dear sister did great service by helping those around the world.  As she was driving home from her latest service opportunity the spirit spoke to her and said "Now go and serve your neighbor."  In essence, the Lord was guiding her to those closest to her and letting here know we don't have to reach far beyond our scope of influence to make our service meaningful.  So this month we are pulling it in, we are focusing on the core unit in our lives.

Family means something different to each of us.  You may be single, you may be a young married couple or empty nesters, or you may have 10 children and lots of cousins. Family may mean those 'extra' children that come into your home, those friends who eat dinner at your table numerous times a week.  Family is really those people who are in your sphere of love on a consistent basis.

This months invitation is two fold.  Let me give one bit of background before I explain. 

Five years ago, at the end of February, I lost a cousin to a tragic adventure activity.  She had only been married two weeks and her life was cut short.  As I attended her funeral I was reminded of two things about her. First, that she had a great love of doing humanitarian work.  Her life, outside of living adventurously, was filled with giving of herself.  Second, there were many people at her funeral from a variety of walks of life.  She made everyone 'family'.  This month as we serve the family, we are striving to emulate and honor her through serving and loving as she did.

The invitations: 1. Find a way to honor a family member that has past, by doing an act of service in their name. 2. Find ways to serve your earthly family in different ways than  you usually do.

Some ideas for you to ponder on this month:

• Plan an event that brings your family together. (We are throwing our Dad/Grandpa a 90th bday party!)
• Do a surprise house cleaning for a sibling
• Mend a relationship
• Invite a family to dinner and game night
• Send snail mail letters to family that lives far away
• Complete a project for a family member that you have been putting off (We will be painting our youngest sons room)
• On March 17th, let someone know that you are "Lucky to have them" in your life
• Leave treats on doorsteps for your neighborhood family (Something my cousin Amber loved to do)
• Be a peacemaker in your home this month.  Seek to show more love.

I am excited about this month, to find ways each day to serve those I love most in the way that Christ would want me to serve them.

February - Serve the Elderly #davidsmission

Aging is a reality for every person on earth. From the moment we are born, we began to "grow old." Different cultures have varying attitudes and perspectives on the elderly in their countries. In China there is an actual law that allows elderly parents to sue their children if they feel they are not getting the emotional and financial respect due to them. Employees are also required to give time off to their workers, allowing them time to visit their parents.

In Japan, appreciation for elderly in ingrained into the family, making this one of the kindest places for seniors.  Many families often have multiple generations living under one roof, attributing much to the happiness and longevity of the elderly that blossoms from these strong bonds. 

Unfortunately in America seniors are often the subject of prejudice, stereotyping, and the subject of jokes, with many elderly feeling a great lack of respect from the young people.  More often than not our elderly are placed in assisted living homes, a practice that is not common in other cultures.  (please to take this as judgement on my part for I know that everyone's situation is unique and, I'm sure, is prayerfully considered).

As we have had some recent happenings in our family with an aging parent I have had cause to pause and reflect on my own views of aging in our society. The older I personally become the greater love I have for those who have forged the path ahead of me.  I see the wisdom gained from their life experiences and seek to learn from what they can impart.  I see what  a great blessing it is to have my father-in-law in our home, to have our children help with his care and see that we make sacrifices for those we love because they deserve it.  What I sense the elderly would like us to know is that they want to be included, but don't want to feel like a burden; they know when you are doing it out of obligation and not love.  They want to feel valued and useful. They want to spend time with us and for us to not put a time limit and rush out of there. They value youthful interactions, along with time with their 'old pals.' 

In light of all that I've been pondering, we are choosing the theme of 'Serve the Elderly' for the month of February.  We are still scheduling the events that we will sponsor this month, so look for details to come.  We are looking at planning an afternoon of game playing, with youth visiting a retirement home.  We are also wanting to hold a night of musical entertainment at the same location. (Music friends, start preparing some old time favorites 😊).  A few other events will include some junior high students making birthday cards to be given to the elderly, along with elementary students making spring-time pictures to decorate the doors of the elderly. 

 I would love to hear other ideas that you might have for this month.  This is a service that spans the distance and is available to all ages.  Here are some ideas for you to ponder:

• Help give caregivers a break by staying with their elderly parents to they can go out
• Volunteer to deliver meals with meals on wheels
• Go have lunch with an elderly neighbor
• Listen to their stories, write them down, input them on FamilySearch
• Paint their nails for them
• Send them a card in the mail
• Take flowers to the seniors in your community and sit down for a visit
• Read to them
• Find a housekeeping project you can help them with

I hope this month stretches us all to be more respectful, more full of love, and united in created strong bonds with those in their twilight years.

10 Changes: A Year in Review

I'm sure I am just like the majority of you.  The new year brings a time of reflection. Did I accomplish what I set off to accomplish this year?  What changes do I want to make for the coming year? As I reflect I wanted to share 10 things that I did this year. Each of these have taught me how to take accountability for my health and given me the hope I needed regarding answers I personally needed.

• I Changed My Thought Process
• This is huge!  (For anyone who doesn't know about thought work, I highly recommend to study it for yourself.)  I no longer see myself as a victim of circumstance.  I see the influence of positive energy.  I know that I will be accountable to God for both my thoughts and my actions, so what am I doing with both? 
• I Started Bringing Natural Products Into My Home
• The more I've learned about health, to more I realize how everything interacts.  We have need of not just changing what we eat, but what we put on our body.  After all, what we put on also goes in through the skin, through our airway, etc.  It is not cheap, but it is worth it.  I'm taking one product at a time, I started with medicine, and I'm evaluating what the total influence of that product is for me and my family.  My next step is cleaning products and makeup.
• I Buy Organic Produce
• If we are worried about what we put on our body and into our body then we should also be worried about what our food in grown in and what is brought into their "bodies".  I've come to see a taste difference in the produce, including organic meat when I can purchase it.  
• I've Started Practicing Self-care
• Take time for yourself!  You deserve it, and it is not something that is important only after everything else on the to-do list is done.
• I've Learned that Mental Health is as Important as Physical
• I do mental checks often.  Why am I feeling down?  Why am I feeling impatient and irritable?  In other words, I talk to myself often because I know it's good for me.
• I've Learned to Listen to my Body
• When my body it telling me to slow down, I slow down.  Whether the project is done or not.  If that means I take my sheets off the bed but need to lay down for half hour before I put clean ones on, then that's what I do.  I honor my body and it's need instead of powering ahead just to get through.
• I've Placed a Major Focus on Spiritual Health
• I prioritize my time in the scriptures and time in prayer above all else in my day.  I have set out a pattern of Weekly Temple services as well.  That is what my time on this earth is meant for.  It is not a sacrifice.
• I Have Sought out Great Products
• I've started searching for great quality products that will help me reach the desired health I long for.  With each produce I research, I take it to the Lord for confirmation to make sure it is right for my body.  Two companies I began using are Juuva and Young Living.  Yes, there are other good products out there, but these are what's right for my family.
• I Started to Share my Story
• What good is all this information if I keep it to myself? 😂 I began writing a book this past year and know it is what my mission is at this time.
• Above All, I Trusted God
• I trusted that this was exactly the journey I needed to take to get me where I need to be.  It's been a good journey. Here's to continuing the learning this year....

January - Serve the Homeless #davidsmission

January.

The beginning of a new year.  A time when we often reflect on the year previous and look for ways that we desire to do be, to be better in the year to come.  A number of years ago I changed the way I approach the new year, letting go of the traditional goal setting that often was abandoned by the end of the first month.  I, instead, started choosing a one word focus, one that deepened the meaning of the changes I hoped to make.  Last year I focused on a concept: Come to better know Jesus Christ.  Through this, all my "goals" focused on ways to know Him better.  I asked myself questions such as, How is my physical health getting in the way with my relationship with Him?  What ways can I purify physical self to be more receptive of that relationship?  I love the opportunity this affords me to give a more eternal focus to the changes I hope to make for the year.

This year I will also have a concept: Minister as the Savior would minister.

To begin that goal, I decided that the first month of David's mission we would Serve the Homeless. I thought it would be best to start where I feel my weakness lies.  I will be the first to admit that I have often been judgmental and lacking in understanding for these individuals.  I would pass them as I traveled around Temple square, doing my best to avoid eye contact. I would see them with signs, begging for money on the side of the road, while just down the block was a help-wanted sign.  My thoughts were often not thoughts of compassion, seeing as Christ sees them.  As I have recognized this in myself, I have tried to do better these last few years to have a more Christlike heart toward all of God's children.  Why did I avoid eye contact?  Was is discomfort? Fear? Not knowing what I could do?  A bit of yes to all of these.  I hope in this month we all can bridge the gap between that fear, that discomfort, that unknown and find a way that we can stretch ourselves to Love in a deeper way.

My daughter is involved with the handbell choir in her school.  Each year they take a tour of different locations and perform throughout Salt Lake city.  As this is one of my favorite Christmas activities, I always choose to chaperone this tour.  Last year the choir teacher took them to a location we had never been to before: the Salt Lake County library.  For anyone who has never been here before, this public space is filled with homeless individuals seeking a quiet place to rest, to get warmth, and to find a place of normalcy where they can continue to learn.  As our group performed their music, the homeless listened.  It struck me then that the homeless have lost more than their homes.  Many have lost meaningful connections and the feeling of love from their fellow men.  They have lost opportunities, such as this, where their hearts can be filled with music, where they can enjoy simple entertainment and not have think about the cares of the world.  Their daily life is about survival. They don't often get a break from that burden.  I was so, so grateful that this young group of musicians were able to come and give them back something they had lost.

What can we do?  More than we think.

"If we find we cannot help others, the least we can do is desist from harming them" - Dalai Lama

We can change our thought work, the way we think about these individuals.  We can ask the Lord to help us see with an understanding heart, to know we don't see the whole picture to understand why they are in the situation they are in.  We can take the time to make eye contact, to smile at them and ask them their names and a bit about themselves.  Shake their hands, place a comforting hand on their shoulders, send forth love through your words.

Our activity this month will be collecting food and making up sack lunches for the preschool children in the family Homeless shelter in Midvale, Utah.  For any locals who would like to contribute time or food to this event, please follow this link: Serve

There will also be a donate button on my author Facebook page for those who live out of state and want to contribute monetarily.  Marissa Allen. Look for the Shop-now button. I am also still pondering and researching the idea of having an entertainment night at the Salt Lake County Library near the end of the month. (please leave a message if you would be interested in performing).  

There is so much more we can do, if we just get creative.  Here are some ideas that you could ponder and pray about with your family to find a way you can help in your area:

• Gather a group to serve dinner at your local soup kitchen
• Donate bedding, hygiene supplies, coats, etc (lists can often be found online for your local shelter)
• Volunteer at the shelter - do crafts with the youth, work the front desk, help with laundry
• Make up "care-kits" that you keep in your car and hand out throughout the month.
• For hairstylist:  offer free haircuts
• For dog groomers:  offer to bath and groom their pets
• For anyone: Show respect.  They are God's children, too.  
• Pray for them.  Any time a pass a panhandler in my car and don't have cash, I send a prayer heavenward in their behalf.

I would love to hear what you choose to do this month!  Don't forget to include #davidsmission.  If you would like to keep your service quiet, that is understandable; I would still love a personal message, and possibly pictures, to include in my personal records.

Happy New Year to you all!  May this year be filled with good things, especially for those we reach out to.

David's Mission

It was January, 18 years ago, that we received the sad news.  During a routine ultrasound we learned that our second child, a son, would not live once he was born.  Due to both of his kidney's being filled with cysts, his little body was not compatible with life outside the womb.  That is devastating news for a parent to hear.  In that very moment you grieve the life that you have already lost, the life you thought you would have had with this precious child.

That grieving continues, not just after the initial incident passes, but at various moments over the years.  Milestone events that should have been joyous moments, such as the first day of school, become times of reflections and times of pulled heartstrings.  In our religion there are many milestone moments that we celebrate: the choice to be baptized; entering into the youth program, and receiving the priesthood for boys; and, as a young adult, the choice to fulfill a full time mission, to name a few.

That final example is the milestone facing us this year.  David would have been 18 years old this coming May.  At 18 years for boys, and 19 years for girls, our young people have the opportunity to put their world on hold and serve the Lord for a time.  Why do they do this?  It is not to gain numbers in our congregations, it is not to inform others that their religious choices are 'wrong', and it's not to make their resumes look good.  Our members love the Lord with all their hearts.  They know the Savior, and they know the joy that knowledge has brought them. It is all about LOVE.  Our young people choose to sacrifice those few years of their life by taking that message of love to others, in the hopes that others might come to know the Savior personally as well, that they might find the joy and peace that we feel in our lives when we have the Savior in our hearts.

Not long after David's short stay on earth, I knew I wanted to honor this future milestone for him in some way.  Now that this time has arrived for us, I want to introduce to you our family's plan. David is still very much a part of our family and very near to us often. He is currently fulfilling a mission for the Lord, just in a different way than we would have imagined. He is bringing hearts to the Savior in his own way and we want to honor David's mission on the other side by fulfilling the mission for him here that he would have served had he lived.  We could not think of a better way to honor David than to serve and love God's children.  We invite you to join us on this mission, a mission to bring hearts to the Savior.  It is our hope that this influence to spread across the world.

Each month, for the next year, we will be picking a theme of service.  Along with that theme, we will choose one larger scale service activity to do.  For example, the theme for one month could be "Serve the Homeless", with an activity being the making and serving of lunch to the homeless one afternoon.  But that is not all.  Throughout that month we would turn our hearts to serving that group in other ways we see needed, such as stopping to talk to someone in that situation, looking them in the eyes and really paying attention to them, and offering them love.

It's hard to express in words the vision of this and the feelings of the heart that lead us here. What I do know it that I hope this influence to be more than just our family; I hope it spreads, much that way the Church's Light the World initiative does. Our 'mission' will be year long, and will hopefully change lives in the same way. We invite anyone who would like to join to take note of the following things:

1.  You don't have to participate every month and in every activity.  Choose ones that speak to you. Remember, even one small thing can make a big difference.
2.  Use the hashtag #davidsmission to share this mission with others.
3.  Please share your ideas for themes and services that you see a need for in your area, so that we might prayerfully consider the best ideas for this coming year.
4.  Each month, a facebook event will be created that you can choose to participate in.
5.  Spread the news!  Please share this post on your social media accounts.  Invite others to follow our family and to spread Christ's love, for that is ultimately the reason behind David's mission.

It's Christmastime

When my kids ask me what my favorite holiday is, I teasing reply that it is not Christmas.  They are fully aware of the fact that I hate shopping.  Hate it.  One of the greatest inventions in the world is Amazon, where I can shop from the comfort of my home and have it delivered to my door.  I don't have to waste time going from store to store, finding the best deal, competing with other shoppers for the closest parking space or waiting in long checkout lines.  My time is precious to me and I would much rather spend it doing other things.  So, I will pay the few extra dollars instead of shopping sales and I will deal with the plethora of amazon boxes that must be recycled.  It saddens me that so much of Christmas is centered around the gifts.  I would much rather buy the clothes my kids need throughout the year instead of having to wait for a holiday to give it to them.  Then a gift given at Christmas could be simple and more meaningful, from the heart.  Maybe some day I can change that...

In truth, there is much I love about this time of year.  I love the excitement of decorating my home, of placing on the tree each ornament that has a unique memory.  I love, love, love the music of the season.  My private in-car or in-home, or in-shower, solo performances triple this time of year.  I love the time my family spends together doing Christmas puzzles or watching Christmas movies, singing around the tree or attending recitals, making treats or coloring or any number of things we dream up for that year.  I have to admit to my most favorite part of Christmas, though:  The feeling of love we have for our fellow man.  There is something about this time of year that draws our hearts to others.  With all the planning and prepping, there is always at the top of my list "Who needs to feel Christ's love this year?"

Each year, since our sons brief visit to earth before he returned to heaven, we have chosen a service to do at Christmastime to honor him.  It is the perfect way for our family to focus on serving those in need all while drawing us to our loved ones on the other side.  It reinforces our testimonies that, because of Christ, we are able to see our loved ones again someday.  It add extra depth to celebrating Christ's birth.  What better way to honor His birth than to do work in His name? 

In recent years, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints has implemented a program that leads others to do just this.  The Light the world campaign gives us the opportunity to serve in the way we choose, by giving ideas of needs in the world.  This year each week has a theme, with the first week being Light The World where you can reach out and serve those across the globe.  Next week is Light Your Community, where we can find ways closer to home to serve.  And then it gets even closer, as the third week we find ways to Light Our Family, with the final week being one of Lighting your Faith.  Do you feel drawn to Light the World ?

Even with all the worldly things that surround this holiday, there is much of it that can point back to the Savior and His ministry.  In my perfect world, the season would be filled with service and filled with love.  In my small way I try to do my part to #lighttheworld, and pray that He will fill all our hearts with an extra measure of love this season.

I want to share one more thing.  I have something exciting that I will be starting next year, a way in which I will honor our son David all year long.  And I want you all to be a part of it.  Look for a post coming soon that will introduce my ideas. 💓

David's first ornament 

Given with Love from Aunt Cortney and Uncle Steve

Guest Post - Grief

This weeks post is a little different.  My oldest daughter also has a blog where she shares her thoughts.  With her permission, I share her post this week.  It's a beautifully written post about her understanding of grief, something that I know can help many people.

Grief

When I was little I only associated the word grief with death. I knew people grieved when a loved one died, and that’s about as far as my understanding of the concept went. On May 13, 2017, I most both the best and worst decision of my life; I bought a puppy. When I held this tiny puppy and knew that she was mine, it was like every broken part of myself fell into place. I had something to take care of that needed me, and depended on me for life. She was so tiny, yet I could almost physically feel her healing the broken pieces of my soul. The love I felt for her when I held her close and kissed her soft, tiny head, was incomparable to anything I’d ever felt in my life.

Unfortunately, I had bought her without the permission of my parents, knowing full well that they had explicitly forbade me. Yet somehow I thought I could make it work. I thought I had found a loophole, a way to have a puppy and not inconvenience my parents. Instead of inconveniencing my parents, however, I inconvenienced several people who helped me out. My friend and her family had agreed to let the puppy sleep at their house at night time until I found more permanent arrangements. The arrangements I had been hoping for were that she live almost exclusively at my then boyfriend’s house, until that didn’t work out. My parents had at that time told me that the puppy was not allowed in their house, because I had deliberately disobeyed them, so my loophole of only having the puppy at my house during the day went under as well. I should have known better.

I was in the middle of this mess of my own creation when my parents approached me with a deal. If I sold the puppy, to a better home and family that could love and care for it, they would buy me another dog down the road when I would be more financially stable. You see, I was moving three hours away to college that August, and had already registered my bird as an emotional support animal. There was absolutely zero chance I would be able to take the puppy with me to college. I should’ve known better.

Well, I took their suggestion and fell to my knees, asking God with all the sincerity I could muster if this was the right choice to make. After I got my answer, I numbly created an ad on KSL for my beloved, and asked my parents if the puppy could stay at our house until I was able to sell her. They agreed, mostly (or completely) out of pity.

On May 29, 2017, my dad drove me to meet the family-to-be of my darling puppy. After the meeting was over, I watched as they drove away with the only thing I’d truly ever loved at this point in my life. I didn’t even have the emotional strength to feel heartbroken at the time, only numb. It wasn’t until later that I broke down and held my bunny in my arms, only to sell him the next day to a loving family, as I knew it would be unfair to ask my family to care for him while I went away to college. A week later, I broke up with my first boyfriend.

It was at this point in my life that my knowledge of grief was challenged. Why was I feeling such a tremendous burden on my soul? My puppy and bunny had not died, just simply gone to live with other families. Why did I feel like my entire world was coming down around me and suffocating me? I would almost have rather died than live the rest of my life like that.

A few months later I was in a relationship with a guy almost 8 years older than me. I knew we weren’t going to last, but he was a rebound and I didn’t want to be single. I moved away to go to college, leaving behind the only life I’d ever really known. It may have only been three hours away, but it may as well have been on the other side of the country for as far removed as I felt. Again, my view of grief was challenged. I felt so empty and alone, sitting in a room that for all intents and purposes, belonged to me now. My pet bird sat on my dresser like she always had, and yet nothing felt the same. None of my old friends contacted me, so I contacted them, only to receive no response.

I began to be bullied by my then boyfriend’s “friends,” one of whom was a girl who had an immense crush on him. They would message me over Facebook, nasty messages with foul language and threats. I told my boyfriend, who was pretty nonchalant about it. When he accused me of messaging this one particular girl when he had told me to block her and ignore her, I tried to defend myself and he would question me constantly, never believing me. I was in tears on my bed because the one person who was supposed to be on my side in that situation was instead accusing me and threatening to block my number. I found out that the girl’s friend had stolen my profile picture and cover picture and made them her own, and had even changed her name to mine. I assume the girl and her friend had conspired to message each other and make it look like I was sending nasty messages to her, and then sent the screenshots to my boyfriend. He believed them, and not me.

I eventually got the courage to break up with him, only to get back with him a couple days later. When he began flirting with one of my friends on Facebook and I called him out on it, he “defended himself” by calling her fat and ugly. I broke it off for good that time, and blocked him so I wouldn’t even be tempted. But ever since then, the sound of the Facebook Messenger app still chill my blood and makes me feel nauseous.

Again, I grieved. I still was convinced that I had done something wrong to cause my ex-boyfriend to mistrust me. I was still convinced that I was in the wrong in that situation, because he made me believe that I was under suspicion and had to prove myself. I grieved the loss of my surety in myself, I grieved the loss of a relationship that I hadn’t even expected to last in the first place. I was 100% better off without him, and yet I still grieved.

It was shortly after that I started hanging out with the man who I eventually married. When we got married and moved in together, I realized that I would no longer be moving up north for the summer, nor would I be visiting home as often as I had been. Then, a harsh thought struck me. Up north was no longer my home. As happy as I was being newly married, and as much as I love my husband, I grieved yet again for the loss of my place in my family. I no longer knew where I fit in with them, and the first family party I attended with my husband left me feeling so left out. My cousins treated me differently, and I desperately wished to talk to them the way I used to be able to. I left that party feeling depressed and lonely, and most of all, out of place. The wonderfulness of being married will always outweigh the grief I feel at being separated from my family, but it does not lessen the grief when I visit my family and cannot even sleep in the same house as them.

Now, living down here at college, I thought that things were going well. My husband I had both had good jobs, could easily pay rent and bills and take care of our birds, and attend school to get our degrees. And I loved my job! I worked as a CNA, taking care of residents whom I grew to love. That all came crashing down when I lost my job, due to negligence on my part. After coming out of the meeting with my now ex-boss, I got into the car and sobbed into my husband’s arms. I cried all the way home, and my hands felt heavy as I texted my mom and told her I no longer had a job. I cried into my husband’s arms and said “I’ll never get to see my residents ever again...” as I felt the weight of all of my mistakes come crashing down on me. I felt like my grief would overtake me. Nevertheless, I picked myself up and attended my next class, and had to act as if nothing had happened, as if I hadn’t just had a piece of myself ripped out. My mom commended me on not lashing out in anger, but I was too sad to be angry. I had just been fired from the only job I actually ever liked, and the sadness was overwhelming.

I have come to realize throughout these past two years that grief is not about death. Grief is about loss. Loss of a pet, loss of two pets, loss of two relationships, loss of comfort, loss of friends, loss of confidence, loss of dependence, loss of familiarity, loss of a job. When I sold my puppy and felt all those mended broken pieces shatter all over again, I thought that my grief would heal with time. It’s been almost two years, and I can say that I know the grief will never truly go away. Whenever I look at one of the few pictures I have of her, my heart aches inside my chest. As I sit home alone when I would have been at work, I think of my residents and how I’ll never see them again, and the coworkers I’ll never work with again, and I weep. I grieve, because grief is loss. And while I don’t have much hope I’ll ever be rid of this grief, I can only hope that it’ll make me stronger. Someday.

Social Media

A few weeks ago, in the women's session of General Conference, President Nelson gave 4 challenges to the women of the Church, the first being a 10 day fast from social media and other media that brings negative thoughts or wounds the spirit.  I knew immediately that I would accept the Prophets invitation, but over the course of that 10 days I have pondered much on why that would be the first challenge given.

My social media use has waxed and waned over the years, even going through a time when I had deleted my facebook account.  I recently reactivated by account so as to receive information from my daughters team, all the while vowing I wouldn't spend my time mindlessly scrolling through other pages.  Needless to say, my weakness took over much of the time.  I'd sit down to rest and thoughtlessly open my social media apps and begin wasting time.  How timely this invitation was for me.  As I closed my accounts one last time that Saturday night, I promised the Lord I would give this challenge my whole heart and discover the reasons why I personally needed it.

The prophets second challenge was to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, marking every instance where Christ is mentioned.  I believe that is one reason why the 10 day fast was mentioned first.  The prophet knew that we would need to take away the distractions in our lives, to give our full attention to this invitation, to fully immerse ourselves in being able to feel the Spirit to its fullest.  Over the course of conference weekend it was testified to me over and over again that I needed to rely on the Lord's views, not on man's views.  What better way to learn the Lord's views than by reading His words?  While there are things about social media that are uplifting, even ways of staying informed about the world, I believe the Lord is telling us we need to take a huge step back and learn to rely on Him in everything, first and foremost.  Man's opinions and insights are so limited compared to His.  If He wants us to know something, He will guide us to where we need to go to find that information.

I believe another reason for this challenge was to help us disengage from the shallow and work on the depth of ministering.  I used to think that social media would help me do better at ministering.  I could learn about people and what is going on in their lives, I could connect with them by making comments or "liking" their posts, I could reach a broader audience.  But I realized something.  The Lord's work moved forward, even before the invention of Facebook.  And it was through the guidance of the Spirit that that was able to happen.  Using Facebook, I learned, was an easy out.  I could post an uplifting thought and feel good that I had done my duty.  Where I know this does have it's place, I feel I was missing an important component.  I was forgetting the prayer and the purpose behind it.  Was I praying first to know who needed to feel loved that day?  Was I connecting with individuals on a more personal level?  Instead of a post on Facebook, would a personal text or email be more meaningful, or better yet a visit on their doorstep?  Was I thinking more about the person to be loved, or the item on the checklist needing to be checked off?

When I got back on 10 days later I realized I didn't miss it. As I sat there scrolling I was dissatisfied and so unfulfilled with the time I spent "catching up."  I thought I needed this tool to stay connected with people I loved or people a long distance away.  I thought I needed it to help move my book forward, as the publishers encouraged me to do, by created an author page.  But the truth is, all I need is the Spirit.  He will guide me to those who need me.  If my book is to move forward, the Lord will help me know how to do that in the right way for me.

One thing more than anything that I learned from this conference is that the work is moving forward so quickly, and we don't have time to waste on frivolous things. This thought was not overwhelming to me but instead filled me with excitement.  I want to be a part of it!  I want to be about the Lord's work!  And I believe now is the time to decide if we are going to be on board.  All I know is that I don't want to be held accountable if I have chosen to neglect His work in the pursuit of these frivolous things, when I could have been doing so much more to help my children or others gain a personal relationship with the Savior.

P.S.  I get the irony of my posting this blog link on Social Media. 😜  It is what it is.

I Am Enough

One man wryly wrote: "I would love to run a marathon. I think it would be a great accomplishment. But that's not enough. Oh, I could take my body to the starting line and command it sternly: 'All right body!  Here we go. Twenty-six miles, three hundred eighty-five yards. Do it!'" He chuckle ruefully. "My body would roll on the ground, howling with laughter, and say, 'Who are you talking to, sir?'"

I get a bit of a chuckle when I read this. I picture my body doing the same thing, laughing at me for even thinking that I could run a marathon. After picking my son up from school one day last week, we passed the cross country team practicing. He commented that it seemed like every girl his age liked to run. I, too, have felt those same sentiments. It seems like all the women around my age go running each morning, or have run in numerous marathons. For a long time, I felt there was something wrong with me. Was I missing something?  Was there some inborn desire given to women that said marathons are a right of passage into the next life, and I was deficient in the gene? I had no desire to run and even less of a desire to train for a 26 mile marathon. It was just not on my bucket list.  That didn't mean I didn't go through feelings of inadequacy, though.  Shouldn't I want to achieve something so glorious as training for a marathon? 

This past Saturday I awoke early to participate in a 5K. But not to run. Our local Junior High fine arts program was doing a fundraiser and I had volunteered as photographer. As I milled around the runners prepping to run, I was not in the least bit envious. I was not feeling any feelings of not being good enough either. I am not a runner. I have come to accept that and know it is okay. I am enough just the way I am, having succeeded in so many other areas in life. I was there as a photographer, one who has taken classes, one who has practiced and practiced over the years, one who has purchased the good equipment for task I was to perform.  I have put time and energy and learning into my skill, just like a runner has purchased the right equipment and practiced hours to prepare for running marathons and 5k's.  We are both enough. 

My junior photographer in training

My short message to everyone this week is You Are Enough!  You don't have to be like everyone else.  You have to be like you.  And that is perfect, and enough. 

Attack the Anxiety

When I started high school, I remember the attacks beginning.  It wasn't until much later that I saw them for what they were, anxiety or panic attacks.  Since they were strange in the way they manifested themselves, it was hard to gain an understanding of what they were.  I vividly remember one of the first days of high school, in what must have been my junior year.  I had parked the car near the seminary building and, as I got out, I was overcome with nausea.  I had to run to a nearby bush to find a safe place to expel the contents of that upset stomach.  For the rest of the day I felt fine.  Nothing, it seemed, had brought on that upset.  I wasn't nervous about school beginning, though I may have been overwhelmed with thoughts of wanting to succeed.  I was not dealing with an illness.  It was very unclear to me what had brought it on.

It's almost embarrassing to share how these attacks continued to manifest themselves.  But, in a sense of vulnerability and honesty, I will share.  It seemed I could never go on a date without the accompanying nausea.  There were many a times I had to have my date pull over, or I'd stick my head out the car window, or find a nearby trashcan.  As a teenager this was mortifying.  It didn't seem to matter what I did to try and prevent it, or how good of friends I was with the guy who I was going out with; those nerve attacks seemed to come out of nowhere and overtake me.  This was a really tough thing for me.  I'm positive that I was not asked on second dates because of this.  That was heart wrenching. 

I'm grateful to parents that were sensitive to how much it affected me to constantly be expelling my stomach contents on these dates.  In a very close family, where joking was often a way to alleviate stressful situations, I remember my mom being very gentle.  She often reminded me to turn to the Lord; even if the trial wasn't removed, strength would be given and understanding would eventually come.   At times we did make light of it by saying I would know the man I was going to marry because I wouldn't throw up on dates with him.  (Incidentally, this turned out to be truth😂). 

Here's me, in all my Jr. Year glory. 😁

In another way I experienced what would be seen as a typical anxiety attack.  My heart would skip beats and race.  My breath would become shallow.  I would feel I had no control of my own body.  The interesting thing about these attacks is they would generally come after some big stressful event.   I would be able to make it through whatever I was dealing with, but then a few days later I would have an attack.  Strange, I know.   

Fast forward to the last few years.  For the most part, throughout my adult life I've learned to recognize my anxiety attacks for what they were and known how to calm myself, or allow them to work through my system.  All that changed when I went through the teenage years with my oldest daughter, Ada.  While there is much going on in the body that brings on anxiety, a lack of feeling control is one aspect.  While I didn't think I was trying to control her life, I was trying to control the outcome.  I was seeing all the possibilities of things that could go wrong.  I had fear; a fear of the unknown. 

There was one night, when I learned of something damaging that my daughter was choosing to do, that one of these attacks overcame me.  I tossed and turned in bed.  My heart raced.  I was overcome with nausea, but my body would not relieve itself.  I didn't sleep at all that night.  No amount of prayer seemed to make a difference.  When you are in these attacks, your body has taken over and it is extremely difficult to come out of it.  I stayed on the couch downstairs, hoping to let my husband sleep, hoping relief would come with the light of day.  In the early morning hours, I noticed my neighbor getting ready to go to to work.  He had no idea of the situation, but I needed his help.  I approached him and asked him for a priesthood blessing.  I knew that the only power that could help me was the power from God, used through man, to calm my troubled heart.  While I won't go into the details of that prayer, the results were immediate.  After the blessing, I laid down on couch and was able to finally sleep. 

I knew I needed to find a way to cope with these major attacks in the future.  I couldn't let them take over my life like this.  I knew I had to find a way to cope before the attack and not in the midst of one.  We had much ahead of us with this child, and three more up and coming teenagers to follow.  I am so grateful I chose to schedule myself a session with Ada's counselor.  In the session she helped me to understand where my thinking was flawed.  She gave me practical tools to cope and ways to talk to myself to work through these attacks.  Part of that teaching was a list of "Worry-list Questions".  The premise of these questions is that they should be done ahead of time, when your heart and mind are in a calm place. Write the answers down, have a plan of attack laid out before the anxiety can attack you. These made all the difference for me in being able to manage an attack before it came on. 

1. What is the worst that could happen?  Resolve the "what ifs".

2.  How likely is it to happen?

3.  If that does happen, what do I want to do to handle it?
I get to choose or create how I want to be  (Isn't that empowering! I get to choose my reaction, not my body!)

4.  How much control/influence do I have in this situation?

5.  What possible positive outcomes are there?

I want to give a practical example.  It will seem to be extreme, but I want it to be seen that it really can be done in any situation.  If it sounds callous and cold in some places, remember, you are doing this out of a sense of love and trust.  You love yourself and need to treat yourself with kindness, and you trust in the faith you have that God can use anything for good.  Not just for us, but for those who make poor decisions that affect themselves and those around them. 

1.What is the worst that could happen?  
My child is going to kill himself.  (We are resolving the "what ifs".  What if my child decides to take his own life? What if we have to deal with the after affects of his actions? etc)

2.  How likely is it to happen?
It's highly possible.  I feel like I know my child.  Sometimes he gets into dark places.  The depression sets in and he says he wishes he could check out of life.  So, yes, even though we love him and have provided him with every opportunity to get help, he has shown tendencies toward that solution.  (Does this scare you?  It's OK.  Work through that now before it happens.)

3.  If that does happen, what do I want to do to handle it? 
If it does happen I want to respond from a place of love, not self centeredness.  Yes, I know it will be difficult for those left behind, but I want to respond with love for this child, with love for myself for doing all that I knew I could, and love for a God that cares more about my child than anyone.  I don't want to break down and lose myself.  I want to be a place of peace for my husband and children.  I will grieve, but I want to know that my testimony is firm in the knowledge of eternal families.

4.  How much control/influence do I have in this situation?
I have no control over the situation.  None.  I could do everything that I felt "right" and he can still use his agency to end his life.  (It's OK to admit that you have no control.  So much fear and anxiety can be removed when we take that burden off ourselves.)

5.  What possible positive outcomes are there?
He could feel relief from the trials of this world and go to a place where healing is possible for him, healing he couldn't find on this earth.  We could unify as a family in a way that no other situation could have unified us.  It could bring awareness to those around us of the struggles that teenagers go through in this day and age.  It could give the ward members an opportunity to give unconditional love through service, and lead them to be more aware of the youth in our ward and their needs. 

These questions could be worked for any situation, whether it be infidelity of a spouse to a life threatening illness. 

Anxiety does not need to control me.  That is a choice I make.

Lovability

Ponder with me a moment the following questions:
What makes someone lovable?

Is it the things they say?  How much they love other people?  Is it what they do, their actions?

Now ponder the opposite:
What makes someone unloveable?

Is it because they are unkind?  Or controlling, annoying, angry all the time?  Is it because they don't like other people and let everyone know that they don't?

And a final question:
If they love me are they more lovable?

Really ponder those questions for a moment.




As I have thought recently about the subject of lovability, I have had a shift in my thinking.  Guess what:  What makes someone lovable is that you choose to love them!  That's it. It isn't about them, it's about you!  Love is a choice.  Wow!  Isn't that empowering?

Our brains are really good as seeing what we don't like.  They have to be to help us survive.  We need to know what dangers there might be; we need protection from something that would kill us or cause us hurt.  It's much harder for our brains to look for things that we like.  So it's easy for our brains to go to that place of annoyance with other people, in seeing things in them that bother us.  It's easy for us to feel negative emotions and much harder for us to see the good.  But not impossible!  In fact we are told that "Men are that they might have joy."  We would never be told that if it wasn't possible to find joy every single day.  What I'm trying to say is that none of the negative emotions we feel will ever feel as good as love feels.  You have the choice, and you can always choose love. 

I know what you are thinking.  Sure, in theory that is great, but what about in practice?  Is it possible to really love every person?  What about that person who betrayed my trust over and over again?  What about that authority figure who abused their position and violated many individuals?  Is it really possible to love them?  Are they really lovable? 

The short answer, YES!  Every person on the planet is 100% lovable!  Exactly as they are.  They don't need to change, or repent, in order for you to love them.  If I'm not loving them it is me not being able to let go of my expectations of how I think they should be. We can't say, well, I will love them more when they repent. Or when they stop using drugs.  Or when they are kind back to me.   It is up to us to drop how we feel other people should be and just feel love.  Guess what?  Not loving someone else doesn't punish them, it punishes us.  And, Loving someone else rewards us, not them.  Isn't that a crazy thought?  I will receive the reward just by loving someone. 

Loving them doesn't mean we don't protect ourselves or have consequences or condone their behavior.  Just because I love them doe not make their abuse right, does not mean the killer does not have to receive consequences for the choices they make.  Loving someone is an act within myself that brings peace to my life, understanding to my soul.  Love is the closest thing we can do to becoming like God, to having a heart of understanding like His. 

Years ago I had an experience that change me through my very core.  I was having a conversation with someone who's actions had hurt me tremendously.  Those actions had affected every aspect of my life.  I was working through the healing process, working through forgiveness at the time of this conversation.  This individual was once again sharing how their weakness had taken over, how they had failed themselves and me once again.  At that moment I was blessed with a gift.  I was able to see this individual as Christ saw them, with all their flaws and weaknesses, with all the hurt they were feeling for their own sins. And I saw how Christ was able to love this individual with a deep understanding of all of it, and because of all of it.  I was filled with that same love.  I was able to love this individual for who they were exactly as they were.   I loved them for how far they had come, for what the eternities held for them.  I say the whole picture.  I saw how all their weaknesses made them who they were. I saw how this was what taught them how to use the atonement and come to love Christ in a personal way.  And I loved them!  Despite the immense pain I had within myself, I loved them! 

There is so much more to other peoples stories than we will ever understand.  But Christ understands it all and loves them.  And He asks us to do our best to do the same.  Every person's journey to Christ is so personal.  We don't understand how Christ is using their weaknesses or struggles to help them understand Him and His atonement.  We don't understand that person's internal struggles and how far they might have come.  Yes, even the sexual predator down the street.  We don't understand their heart and their struggle to overcome.  But Christ does,  and I trust Him.  And if He tells me to love all man, I will do what I can to obey that command.

One more thought.  If every person on this planet is lovable, that has to mean one more thing: You are 100% lovable.  Exactly as you are.  It has nothing to do with other people.  It has nothing to do with how much your parents loved you while you were growing up or how they treated you.  It has everything to do with a Loving God whose child you are.  Your worth is infinite and has nothing to do with the skills or talents you acquire in this world.  You are lovable simply because you are you.  By simply making the choice to believe I'm 100% lovable, I will feel loved.  No one else can make me feel loved but me, by my choice to feel it.  Even when I ask my Heavenly Father if He loves me, it is my choice to feel it or not. 

I testify that every person you come in contact with is 100% lovable.  Even that child who rebels against your teachings and leaves the standards you instilled in them.  Even the crazy neighbor next door who keeps you up all hours of the night with their noise.  They are lovable.  You have the power within you to choose to love them.  If we approach the world with love, how much different would the world be?  If we approached each individual with the thought "What would love choose?", then we will always know the right answer on how to behave.

I have one more challenge:  When you are in a situation where you have to interact often with someone you struggle with, don't leave that relationship until you love that person.  Why?  Because the people who challenge your ability to love increase our ability to love.  It is not for them, it's for you. By no means am I'm not saying to stay in an abusing relationship until you love them.  You still need to protect yourself from harm.  Maybe a better way to say it is complete Healing of the soul only comes when love is in place. 

I love you all!