Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Attack!!!
My body likes to attack itself. This I have learned. It began 11 years ago when an extremely bad stomach flu, during the first part of a pregnancy, did something unusual. As by body attacked the stomach flu, it also attacked the platelets in my body; To the point where I almost had to have a blood transfusion. It would have been scary if I would have been coherent enough to think about it. (Muddled mind, barely able to stay awake. Sores in my mouth similar to blood blisters. Yeah.) Then, 3 years later, after having another child.... I gain 10 pounds in 1 week. What is up with that?! I should be losing all the baby weight, right? Well, not when you get Hashimoto's disease and have antibodies that attack your thyroid. And, guess what? Those same antibodies decided to attack my cerebellum and cause depression. So, yup, my body is my own worst enemy at times.
So when it is suggested to me that I should look into Rheumatoid Arthritis, it just seems to fit. "An autoimmune disorder, rheumatoid arthritis occurs when your immune system mistakenly attacks your own body's tissues." Something else that wants to attack my body? BRING IT ON!
Keep your head up. God gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers.
If I would have written this post yesterday, I would have been wallowing in uncertainty and fighting off sorrow. I am not naive enough to think I won't have hard days. But that is not today. Today I will fight this battle, whatever it is that is asked of me. Today I will trust in God that I am strong enough to do this. My sweet husband prayed last night that we will be able to accept whatever it is that we find out. How blessed am I, to have a husband that will stand by my, one that has faith in a Father in Heaven to be our support.
So I begin to fight. I will Not let this beat me. I will climb that mountain. This week that mountain will be literal. We will be visiting a beautiful National Park in Southern Utah, called Zion. I have been waiting for my children to be old enough to hike this amazing hike called Angel's Landing. With my health concerns, I worried I wouldn't be able to do this. But I will not let it stop me. As I begin this journey, this is my starting off adventure. I want us to prove together that, as a family, we can traverse hard paths and come off conquers. And so it begins....
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Marissa's journey begins
It all started almost two years ago. Or, that is what I originally thought. About that time, I came down with Whooping cough. I know, don't they have vaccines for that? Yup. Turns out they expire and I was no longer protected. Hence, three painful months of coughing. And coughing. I was even recognized in the store by a friend who thought: "That sounds like Marissa's coughing." Sad.
Six months later I am at Disneyland when I get the flu. Full on body aches with fever. But, can I stop to take care of myself? Nope. That's what mom's do. They sacrifice their health for the happiness of their children. You pretend that everything is all right. When I get home, the coughing has begun. Again. And I still can't rest and take care of myself. My dear friend has just lost her life to Cancer. I am now grieving and trying to offer what help I can. My flu turns into Bronchitis, turns into pneumonia. Another few months of cough and damaged lungs.
Fast forward to now. My kids have learned to stay away from me when they start to get sick because they don't want mom coughing, again (their words and choice, not mine). I have been blessed to stay relatively healthy for 6 months. And then....
For the last two years I have held a position in my church that was in the Presidency for the women's organization. It was an amazing calling where I learned about the true power of unconditional love, of serving with all my heart, and giving more of myself than I ever thought possible. I was so connected to it. It was an extension of who I was. And I was happy, and at peace.
2 months ago I was released from that calling. My time was complete. I will admit, I spiraled into a depression for a few weeks. I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore without the mantle of this position. I knew I trusted God. This was the thing He needed from me at this time and it was someone else's turn to grow. But, during this time of depression I started to get sick again. My lungs were weak. It felt like I was constantly having an asthma attack, that oxygen was not getting where it was supposed to go. I was fatigued. I would have enough energy to do things and then, out of nowhere, felt I needed to sleep right then. Not a very exciting thought as I am driving kids to lessons.
I know that Dr.'s are busy and they do there best. I wasn't able to get into my regular doctor during this time, so had to be seen by the on-call doc. "Here's an antibiotic and an inhaler. Call us again if it's not better in a week." Really? I am trying to tell you by background, my history, and tell you I feel there is something more going on. And you don't even take the time to listen to my lungs! I'm sorry. This is just not what I was hoping for. In that time I decided I need to see a Pulminologist. Turns out, it takes at least two months to get into them. And then, last week, they reschedule on me and it's another month. When you are hoping for answers, this is such a blow. I hung up the phone and fought back the tears. When will I get answers.
Something I have learned about myself is I have a tendency to tell people what is wrong with me. I am not very good at keeping things inside. As I have told different people what I have been experiencing, they have each had different ideas.
"Maybe you just need time to let your body heal and become stronger. Allow yourself that time."
"Maybe it's your heart. Whooping cough can cause heart problems."
"Let me find the name of an Internal Medicine Doctor, so he can help you figure out all the issues together."
"Remember when you were a kid and they thought you had Rheumatoid arthritis? Maybe you should read about that and talk to your doctor about that possibility."
All well meaning friends, and my dear mom, and I am so thankful that they want to help me. I have had many thoughts this week concerning all of these suggestions. I have much to say about what I have researched and how I feel that RA is the most likely possibility, knowing all my symptoms. A life-long disease. I can't even begin..... Tomorrow.
So, why am I starting this blog? Because I need a place to write my thoughts. Every time I think about finding a friend to help me with what I feel I will be faced with, I become overwhelmed. For them. I don't even want to burden my husband with all my pains, as I know he will have to carry much in the future. No one needs to carry by burden all the time. I have already found One who has done that for me. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be my support. I will trust Him. Always.
I dedicate this blog to my Sweet Friend, Alyssa. It is because of her and her journey with cancer that I decided to do this. I think she found much healing though the written word. I miss you friend.
Six months later I am at Disneyland when I get the flu. Full on body aches with fever. But, can I stop to take care of myself? Nope. That's what mom's do. They sacrifice their health for the happiness of their children. You pretend that everything is all right. When I get home, the coughing has begun. Again. And I still can't rest and take care of myself. My dear friend has just lost her life to Cancer. I am now grieving and trying to offer what help I can. My flu turns into Bronchitis, turns into pneumonia. Another few months of cough and damaged lungs.
Fast forward to now. My kids have learned to stay away from me when they start to get sick because they don't want mom coughing, again (their words and choice, not mine). I have been blessed to stay relatively healthy for 6 months. And then....
For the last two years I have held a position in my church that was in the Presidency for the women's organization. It was an amazing calling where I learned about the true power of unconditional love, of serving with all my heart, and giving more of myself than I ever thought possible. I was so connected to it. It was an extension of who I was. And I was happy, and at peace.
2 months ago I was released from that calling. My time was complete. I will admit, I spiraled into a depression for a few weeks. I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore without the mantle of this position. I knew I trusted God. This was the thing He needed from me at this time and it was someone else's turn to grow. But, during this time of depression I started to get sick again. My lungs were weak. It felt like I was constantly having an asthma attack, that oxygen was not getting where it was supposed to go. I was fatigued. I would have enough energy to do things and then, out of nowhere, felt I needed to sleep right then. Not a very exciting thought as I am driving kids to lessons.
I know that Dr.'s are busy and they do there best. I wasn't able to get into my regular doctor during this time, so had to be seen by the on-call doc. "Here's an antibiotic and an inhaler. Call us again if it's not better in a week." Really? I am trying to tell you by background, my history, and tell you I feel there is something more going on. And you don't even take the time to listen to my lungs! I'm sorry. This is just not what I was hoping for. In that time I decided I need to see a Pulminologist. Turns out, it takes at least two months to get into them. And then, last week, they reschedule on me and it's another month. When you are hoping for answers, this is such a blow. I hung up the phone and fought back the tears. When will I get answers.
Something I have learned about myself is I have a tendency to tell people what is wrong with me. I am not very good at keeping things inside. As I have told different people what I have been experiencing, they have each had different ideas.
"Maybe you just need time to let your body heal and become stronger. Allow yourself that time."
"Maybe it's your heart. Whooping cough can cause heart problems."
"Let me find the name of an Internal Medicine Doctor, so he can help you figure out all the issues together."
"Remember when you were a kid and they thought you had Rheumatoid arthritis? Maybe you should read about that and talk to your doctor about that possibility."
All well meaning friends, and my dear mom, and I am so thankful that they want to help me. I have had many thoughts this week concerning all of these suggestions. I have much to say about what I have researched and how I feel that RA is the most likely possibility, knowing all my symptoms. A life-long disease. I can't even begin..... Tomorrow.
So, why am I starting this blog? Because I need a place to write my thoughts. Every time I think about finding a friend to help me with what I feel I will be faced with, I become overwhelmed. For them. I don't even want to burden my husband with all my pains, as I know he will have to carry much in the future. No one needs to carry by burden all the time. I have already found One who has done that for me. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be my support. I will trust Him. Always.
I dedicate this blog to my Sweet Friend, Alyssa. It is because of her and her journey with cancer that I decided to do this. I think she found much healing though the written word. I miss you friend.
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