Hair Affair

I want to admit something:  I have loved my hair most of my adult life.  I know, that can be taken as shallow, but there it is.  I have loved the color, I love the thickness, I love that it grows fast and is generally healthy.  And I like it long.  I like to curl it. I like to put it in two braids on a hot summer day. I like to throw it into a ponytail and forget about it.  I guess maybe I feel younger and prettier with long hair.

So imagine the difficult decision it was to cut it all off today.  First, let me show you a couple of pictures:

My hair was long! But it was also unhealthy and so much thinner than it's ever been in my life.

The second photo it to show you the state of my hair. Notice the short hair and frizz?  Since my health took a turn for the worse a few years ago, I am still coming to realize all the different aspects of my body that it has affected.  My hair falls out like crazy!  At any moment I can run my fingers through my hair and find my fingers filled with stray hair.  Because of the malnourishment in my body, it pulled in on itself and sent the needed vitamins to the vital functions of my body.  My hair was not one of those.  So, now that I am working toward better health, my hair is growing back in.  I have a lot of frizz and short hairs.

Why do I mention all this on my health journey blog?  I want you to think about your health as a whole.  My hair is actually another symbol of this journey.

We all want to be happy and content in life.  We may really like the life we have, feeling at peace with the way things are going.  And then something happens that knocks you off your axis.  You try desperately to keep it all together, to cling to every aspect of your life that you can still control.  Like my hair:  My hair was 'fine', right?  I'm not saying it is wrong to keep hold of things that you still find joy in, that still help you to feel there is some normalcy about your life. We all have to figure out these different aspects in our own way.

For me, this was one of the steps I needed to take.  It was the next thing I needed to do to bring further healing to by body as a whole.  If I want my hair healthy, I needed to cut it off and let it 'heal'.  For me it is a symbol:  What am I willing to do to bring about what I truly want?  

What I want?  I want to be here for my kids, fully engaged in their lives.  I want to travel with my husband.  I want to have energy to serve the Lord in the way I know He needs me to.  I want to hike, to waterski, to enjoy the world around me.  I want to be present.  And I want to be healthy.  To do all these things that are important, really important, to me, I have learned to sacrifice some unessential things for things that are essential for my body.  I loved homemade wheat bread, but it was not for my body.  I loved popcorn, but my body says no.  These are not essential for my body to live.  I have found other things that bring the health I desire.  It's okay to let things go.

That is why my hair is a symbol.  I am willing to let go of something I love for something in the future that could be even better for me.  Besides, it's just hair, right? 😏

 

What Is My Health Worth?

I've been to a lot of doctor appointments over the past few years.  I've had a lot of tests done.  More often than a few times, I prayed with gratitude for having good health insurance, that I was able to have the cost mostly covered for these appointments and test.  These things took a lot of time.  But it's worth it, right, if I can find answers and get results.

But I didn't find results.  Not in the typical way I was raised to find results  Growing up, if we were sick or hurt, we went to the doctor.  "Ear infection?  Here's an antibiotic."  You know the drill.  The doctor was the only answer.  In fact, we were a little leery of anything homeopathic.  These people were just... weird?  different?  not modernized?  I don't fault my parents for jading my thinking.  That was just the way was at this time; antibiotics were new and readily available, and we used them.

I want all of you to know, I have a great respect for doctors and nurses.  They have dedicated their careers to trying their best to help people to heal and find comfort.  I now have a son-in-law that is studying to become a doctor, and I fully support him.  What I want to share is what I have learned.  Crazy thought:  Doctors are human.  Doctors have limits.  And, sometimes, they don't have all the answers.  It's not to say they aren't trying their best, because they are.  But they are on this earth, learning and progressing along the path, same as us.

Here's another revolutionary notion:  we are the stewards over our own bodies.  If we are in tune enough, relying on prayer and internal evaluation, we can learn what is best for us personally.  And sometimes that might be different than what the medical community thinks is best.  I have a niece in Primary childrens hospital right now who's parents can attest to that fact.  I just heard two other situations where the doctors were sure the patients had no hope and needed to be taken off life support, but these parents opted to trust in God and their children live.  But, I digress.  Thoughts for a different time...

As stewards, we have every responsibiltiy to study, to research, to learn what our bodies need.  I have striven to do that.  I include in this research visits to doctors and learning from them.  What I learned is bits here, pieces there.  I have celiac.  Learned that from a doctor.  But I didn't get the complete solution from any of them, or even all their pieces put together.  Until I went home and took the research upon myself, it was then I started to heal.  I now use essential oils, structured silver, and other supplements.  I now eat organic and steer clear of processed foods and inflammatory foods.

What does this have to do with my blog title today?

I was resistant to "going natural".  Why?  Because it is different.  Because it has a cost. Because it makes me responsible and, let's be honest, we don't like to be responsible when bad things happen.  With doctors and medical tests the financial cost was minimal.  Insurance covered it.  It was awesome!  Right?  Organic food is more expensive.  Oils do cost more than medicine.  Supplements are taken daily and must be bought often.  And none of this is covered by health insurance.  (a political argument for another day 😉) 

One day I was talking out these financial frustrations with a friend.  She said "You can't put a price on your health."  It really made me think.  I was more than willing to take chemicals into my body in the hopes of healing, because they were cheap!  But I was fighting against putting good, amazing stuff into my body that not only heals but prevents, all because I wasn't willing to sacrifice my personal fun money to pay for it.  All because of a price tag.  But was I really saving anything? What was my time at the doctors costing me?  What was my ill health costing my family, in regards to time away from them and fostering relationships?  The spiritual loss could be so much more damaging than any financial cost ever could be. If I'm really a steward over by body, and will be accountable to God someday for what I have done with my body, would I want to tell him that I turned away from His natural creations for something manmade?  That I'd rather have more fabric to feed my hobby than to buy food that would heal my body?  What was a trusting more:  God, or man?

Again, I know this is controversial.  I reiterate, there must be a balance in all things.  God gave us knowledge, gave us technology, gave man the means to gain medical knowledge.  He leads doctors in their work.  But!!! We cannot neglect the natural world.  And that is the journey I now pursue. 

Well then, that took a different course than I originally set out to write. 😂  But here it stays, and here you read what was meant to be written all along. 

P.S.  For readers of last weeks entry... my daughter has given me permission to share her story.  If you will be patient a few weeks, I will share the miracle of her life these last years.  I want to be respectful and honor her as a person, so the entry will take time.  Much love to you, my few readers. 

Miracles

I believe in Miracles.

Tomorrow my oldest daughter will be getting married in one of the temples of our church.  A year ago, she was in quiet a different place than she is today.  Because her story is personal to her, I will not share the details.  But I want to say that, indeed, a miracle has occurred.  It is a miracle to see where she is at today, different than where she was a year ago, to be with a different man who adores her and respects her.  To see her happy and filled with love are the greatest miracles of all. 

I, too, have experienced a miracle.  In January I started a healthy lifestyle change.  I will go into more detail on a later post, but I will say it has been a miracle in my life to be where I am now from where I was even 6 months ago.  I have continually gained energy back.  I have been more mindful of my body and it's needs for rest, recovery, and refueling.  I have been able to plan this wedding with very few hitches in my health.  That is a miracle.  I am at peace with where I am at in the journey right now.

So, Yes, I believe in miracles.  They are real.  They are gifts from God.  All we need do is open our eyes to see that they are available to all of us.  Tomorrow will be a beautiful day.

Grieving and Acceptance

Grief comes from many different circumstances.  We grieve when a loved one dies.  We grieve when a friend becomes lost to us.  We grieve when a child go astray.  It wasn't until recently that I realized you also work through the steps of grief when you lose the life you thought you would have.  When a lifelong illness strikes, you mourn the life you once had and you mourn the life you  hoped to have in the future.  That grief is real.  And it is part of life and part of the testing we go through.

Yesterday marked the seventeenth year since the birth, and death, of our son.  Even with the knowledge and testimony I have of God's great eternal plan, I still grieved.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  It doesn't diminish my testimony to grieve.  It is perfectly normal, and in fact healthy, to go through grief.  It is cleansing and it is healing.  As I grieved during this time,  I wanted to understand the process it takes to grieve.  Studies have been done, and scientists have identified steps that we naturally go through in this process.

It is perfectly normal to bounce between these steps.  You could be to acceptance and still have a trigger set you off that takes you back to depression for a time.  That's ok!  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  There is no set time frame.  It could last a few days to a few years.  The thing to realize is that it is personal!

A few months ago I was depressed.  And I didn't realize I was going through the grieving process.  I had been working so hard to do everything I could for my health, and it just wasn't getting better,  as I had hoped it would. I thought my friends were avoiding me because they were tired of hearing what I was dealing with, and I wasn't able to give them the time they deserved because I was too tired.  None of this was true, but depression pulls you to thoughts that are self-defeating.  To keep things real, I want to share a few paragraphs from my journal at that time:

         This entry is going to be real, and it's going to be raw, and might even be a bit ugly.
I hate this trial I'm going through.  This is hard.  This is painful.  And I often feel little hope of it ever getting better.  It has been going on so long and, in the midst of all my health struggles, other extremely difficult trials have occurred or continue. At times I feel broken, hopeless, and sad.
       This is one of those times.  I know I am grieving. Still.  I'm grieving for food I once enjoyed and can no longer have.  I'm grieving as more and more foods are taken away from me, and the fact that I find very little enjoyment in eating anymore.  Nothing, or rarely anything, is tasting good to me.  I eat to live, and that's about it.  And sometimes I even force myself to do that; eat the food that I know is right for me.

Yes, it was a difficult time.  I had priesthood blessing that helped, and time at the temple that was rejuvenating, but I still struggled.  I did not want to accept that I could not longer be the person I once was.  I liked that person.  I had been happy. 

It was one morning during my prayers that I heard clearly: "Accept this Trial."  It had never occurred to me before this moment that I was fighting the Lord.  I thought the person I was before was pretty great.  But the Lord has so much more in mind for me.  And so I prayed and told him I accept this trial.  I gave my life over to him, to let Him make of me what he will.  I am trying to humble myself and present myself to Him, to do what He needs to do, to use me where He needs me in His work. 

The last paragraph in my journal entry from the day I accepted this trial:
I have never thought before of how much can change within me when I choose to accept the Lord's will and His ways.  I already feel different.  I feel more empowered and a greater strength to face this.
How can we feel empowered when we are accepting the Lord's will and His ways, instead of our own?  I invite you to ponder that with me. 

Any questions on grief and the grief process, I would love to hear your comments.

More than a Journey

The Webster 1828 Dictionary defines journey as: "Passage from one place to another".
When I started this blog a few years ago, I titled it  Marissa's Journey.  But over time, I have realized it has become so much more than than.  I am not just passing through from one destination to the next.  It is so much more than. It is more than just the ups and downs of my health problems and life struggles.  I am passing from being one person to becoming a complete, more pure, more Christ-centered being.  It is More than a Journey.     

A few weeks ago I was visiting with a friend and talking to her about a text I had received. In this text, I was asked about my health journey, and I proceeded to respond with some things I had learned.  The friend I was visiting with said: "Have you ever thought that this might be your path, to now teach people what you have learned?"  In truth, I had thought briefly about it, but not much. 

Not more than a few days later I was at my sisters house and was talking with her and her mother-in-law about my health.  Near the end of the conversation, my sister asked if I ever thought about writing a book and sharing what I have learned.  I may have had fuzziness in my brain from my health issues but, with these two separate occurrences, I decided the Lord was trying to tell me something.  I have enough clarity to know when I should listen up and when I should take my questions to the Lord.  And that I did.

This will be the beginning of a new chapter for this blog.  And you are invited to join me.  As I prayed to know the Lord's will, He poured forth ideas into my mind of how He wants me to proceed.  I am not ready to write a book... yet.  For now, in this format, I invite you into my life.  (You are welcome to read previous posts to get a feel for where I have been on my journey.)  As we move forward, I welcome and encourage comments.  This is my journey - but one that is intertwined with the journeys of others.  I will be the first to admit that I am still learning, and I want to learn with you.  The Journey continues, with guests in tow. 😊

I will try to be posting weekly, on Tuesday's or Wednesday's.  You are welcome to Share this site with others who you feel might benefit.