Grieving and Acceptance

Grief comes from many different circumstances.  We grieve when a loved one dies.  We grieve when a friend becomes lost to us.  We grieve when a child go astray.  It wasn't until recently that I realized you also work through the steps of grief when you lose the life you thought you would have.  When a lifelong illness strikes, you mourn the life you once had and you mourn the life you  hoped to have in the future.  That grief is real.  And it is part of life and part of the testing we go through.

Yesterday marked the seventeenth year since the birth, and death, of our son.  Even with the knowledge and testimony I have of God's great eternal plan, I still grieved.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  It doesn't diminish my testimony to grieve.  It is perfectly normal, and in fact healthy, to go through grief.  It is cleansing and it is healing.  As I grieved during this time,  I wanted to understand the process it takes to grieve.  Studies have been done, and scientists have identified steps that we naturally go through in this process.

It is perfectly normal to bounce between these steps.  You could be to acceptance and still have a trigger set you off that takes you back to depression for a time.  That's ok!  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  There is no set time frame.  It could last a few days to a few years.  The thing to realize is that it is personal!

A few months ago I was depressed.  And I didn't realize I was going through the grieving process.  I had been working so hard to do everything I could for my health, and it just wasn't getting better,  as I had hoped it would. I thought my friends were avoiding me because they were tired of hearing what I was dealing with, and I wasn't able to give them the time they deserved because I was too tired.  None of this was true, but depression pulls you to thoughts that are self-defeating.  To keep things real, I want to share a few paragraphs from my journal at that time:

         This entry is going to be real, and it's going to be raw, and might even be a bit ugly.
I hate this trial I'm going through.  This is hard.  This is painful.  And I often feel little hope of it ever getting better.  It has been going on so long and, in the midst of all my health struggles, other extremely difficult trials have occurred or continue. At times I feel broken, hopeless, and sad.
       This is one of those times.  I know I am grieving. Still.  I'm grieving for food I once enjoyed and can no longer have.  I'm grieving as more and more foods are taken away from me, and the fact that I find very little enjoyment in eating anymore.  Nothing, or rarely anything, is tasting good to me.  I eat to live, and that's about it.  And sometimes I even force myself to do that; eat the food that I know is right for me.

Yes, it was a difficult time.  I had priesthood blessing that helped, and time at the temple that was rejuvenating, but I still struggled.  I did not want to accept that I could not longer be the person I once was.  I liked that person.  I had been happy. 

It was one morning during my prayers that I heard clearly: "Accept this Trial."  It had never occurred to me before this moment that I was fighting the Lord.  I thought the person I was before was pretty great.  But the Lord has so much more in mind for me.  And so I prayed and told him I accept this trial.  I gave my life over to him, to let Him make of me what he will.  I am trying to humble myself and present myself to Him, to do what He needs to do, to use me where He needs me in His work. 

The last paragraph in my journal entry from the day I accepted this trial:
I have never thought before of how much can change within me when I choose to accept the Lord's will and His ways.  I already feel different.  I feel more empowered and a greater strength to face this.
How can we feel empowered when we are accepting the Lord's will and His ways, instead of our own?  I invite you to ponder that with me. 

Any questions on grief and the grief process, I would love to hear your comments.