Self-care is Not Selfish

I used to believe that self-care was one of those "fads", something that new age groupies touted as the revolutionary new way to heal all our ailments.  Guess what?  I am now one of those "groupies." Not that I believe it heals everything, but I have wholeheartedly jumped on board and embraced self-care as a very important aspect of the healing process.  I used to believe that I could give everything of myself to others, that wearing out in the service of God was the key to eternal happiness.  I've come to learn that that approach is far from what the Lord means when He asks us to give of ourselves.

I want you to look at the title of this post and ask yourself:  "Is self-care not selfish?  I'm thinking about myself, doing things for myself, and focusing on me; how is that not selfish? Doesn't God teach us to forget ourselves and think of others above all else?"

Self-care is about love.  I love my family to infinity and beyond.  I love my neighbors and ward members as if they are my family.  Because I love them, I want to give them the best me that I can give.  The best gift I can give them is to be a wife and mother who takes care of herself.  Kids want and need a mom who takes care of herself.  A mom who knows how to be present; who finds joy in the small moments; who allows herself the space she needs to process negative emotions; who doesn't create drama around the mistakes she makes; who loves her body and understands her value as a woman and daughter of God.  In the end, these gifts will have so much more impact on our kids than anything else we do - any grand vacation we take them on, any amazing school they go to, etc.  These same gifts apply to all the people we associate with.  Image how much more gentle and kind our interactions would be if no one was overwhelmed with emotions because they knew how to process them, if no one was consumed with never completed to-do lists because they value being enough, if no one dwelt on playing the victim of everyone else's problems because they have learned ownership and forgiveness of self. 

Self-care is not Selfish!

It is so much more than taking a break, or having balance, or enjoying a girls night out.  I want to tell you:  You deserve to take care of yourself.  Do you want to know another thing? It's also your responsibility,  to yourself and the people around you.  Self-care leads to being better able to take care of your loved ones.  You can not give from an empty vessel.  How can that be selfish?  I self-care because I love.  I love myself enough to give myself the time I need.  And I love my family and friends enough to take care of myself, so I can better be present in their lives, so I can be more available to serve and fill others needs. 

Here's the thing:  Everyone of us has needs that must be met.  We can try to meet those needs externally, or you can learn the art of self-care and fulfill them internally.  When our needs aren't met, we often turn to some artificial way of hopefully filling those needs.  Food. Social media and all our devices. Drugs and other addictive behaviors.  Even somethings that you wouldn't think would be artificial could be covering up the deeper need that you have; things like a relationship that is abusive, or having a baby to try to find happiness within yourself, or buying a new pet because you think they will bring you the peace you lack.  The best thing we can do for ourselves is to learn how to have a healthy, compassionate relationship with ourselves first and foremost.  Tell yourself: I love myself and that is why I am doing this.  It takes courage to do this.  To love and accept yourself is the ultimate act of courage.  

I'm sure you are wondering how to go about learning self-care.  I'd like to offer a few ideas.  I first had to discover what my needs were that I felt were not being met.  I am someone who thrives on connections with others and feel very fulfilled from those interactions.  I need to serve, to feel like I'm helping make someone's live better and feel like I am helping the kingdom of God.  I need to feel accomplished, that I have done something meaningful with my day.  I need to be intellectually challenged, to study and expand my understanding of the world around me and the truths God has given.   I also need to relax, to be still, to say "no" to others when my body needs rest.  (That is one I didn't realize I had neglected for too many years.)  After discovering some of my needs, I evaluated how they were best met.  I pray and study a lot in the mornings.  I listen to podcasts from an LDS lifecoach.  I read. A lot!  I go to lunch often with friends and I speak to people in the grocery line, because I love to make connections. But the challenge came to me when I could no longer meet those needs in the way I used to.  I had to make a few changes to ways I filled those needs.  I have now learned that those needs can always be met, even when I have no energy. 

What does my self-care look like?  Most summer mornings finds me eating breakfast outside, and most evenings finds me outside again as I read my book and listen to the crickets chirp.  I've learned that I need nature-therapy to ground myself and clear my energy.  It is the way for me to Be Still, to let my body heal, and to recharge.  I take hot showers, where I end the shower by sitting on the floor as the water cascades and massages.  I have started  using "I am" statements as I use this time to meditate.  "I am enough.  I am at peace.  I am healing. I am connected to God."  And I truly believe these statements as I say them.  In this way, I find myself being more gentle with the mistakes I have made that day.  I forgive myself more readily.  I realize what I did accomplish was enough.  And I realize that healing happens slowly, and am at peace with the process.  Self-care is sometimes me saying "no" to activities I used to love, because I know it won't be the best thing in the long run for my family or the calling I'm trying to fulfill.  It helps me prioritize.  Self-care is learning what I can and can't eat, what provides the most energy for me to perform my duties.  It is learning how to be mindful of my body.  It is sending my kids back to school so I could continue to heal. 

Self-care will be personal to each of us.  I want each of you to know, You can have what you truly want in life.  Believe in yourself.  Empower yourself. Give yourself the gift of the care you need, so that you can fulfill the other roles you have in life.  Love yourself enough to give yourself what you need.

"Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves."  Brene Brown  

The Gift of Healing and the Faith to be Healed

A few weeks ago our church class had a discussion about spiritual gifts.  Two that were discussed at length were the gift of healing and the gift to be healed.  I have pondered much on these gifts since then and even discussed with others what their thoughts were, especially regarding my own health struggles.  One thought that coursed through my mind was how these gifts are different than other spiritual gifts.  These gifts rely on God's will for our lives; His timetable and His knowledge of what is best for His children.  Someone might possess the gift to heal, but it may be that the person they want to heal has reached their appointed time of death.  I may have the faith to be healed, but that healing may not be immediate or even in this lifetime.  These gifts take an immense amount of trust in God's will.  It takes trust in knowing there are times when healing doesn't happen in your way, or even in a perceived miraculous way.  It takes faith to realize that sometimes healing comes when this life is complete. That faith, in and of itself, is a spiritual gift that must be developed.

As I was discussing this with my mom, I commented that I felt I had the faith to be healed, but I was struggling to understand if that was the Lord's will for me. Of course I want to have a return of complete health, a return to complete strength to do what I once was able to do.  Discussing it with her, she indicated that she HAS seen a miracle of healing in me.  I am so much better than I was two years ago.  I look better, I eat better, I can do so much more.  In her eyes, I have healed and continue to heal.

I really appreciated the reminder of how far I have come from where I was a short time ago and that it truly has been a miracle.  At times it's hard to see the whole picture when the baby steps are so minute.  As I was recently going through pictures on my phone, reflecting on the summer we have had, I do see a miracle.  I have had so many good days, days were we have been able to play and build memories.  I am not in bed, struggling to take care of simple needs of my family.  Healing has happened.  I am not the same person I was two years ago.

So what does that mean in regards to the faith to be healed?  Spiritual gifts are interesting, beautiful things.  At baptism, we are given the first gift, the gift of the Holy Ghost.  In that blessing, the Lord also bestows on us other spiritual gifts.  We may not feel them at that time, and it may be only under certain circumstances that we are able to access them.  But every saint is given a spiritual gift.  The beautiful thing is, we are not limited to that one gift and spiritual gifts are not limited to a select few who have leadership in the church.  "Any man who will seek for the power of God can obtain it,"  George Q Cannon has taught.  In D&C 46:8 we are even invited to seek after spiritual gifts beyond that which we have initially been blessed with.  The main prerequisite of obtaining spiritual gifts is our standing before the Lord.  Harold B Lee tells us "We shall never be given more of the gifts of the Spirit until we demonstrate our ability to use those He has already given us."  There is a responsibility that comes with each gift.  We must use it as the Lord wants us to.  It is not for sign seeking, not for status, not to satisfy our own curiosity.

As I've studied and pondered this month, I also realized another thing.  Sometimes the gift to heal is a knowledge of how to heal ourselves.  And the Lord graciously granted me that gift.  I have studying much about health, I have implemented changes in my life, I have given my body time to adjust, and I have healed.  It may not be complete and it may not be perfect restoration, but it is still a work in progress.  I've also learned that with each spiritual gift we have responsibilities that correspond with them.  My responsibility is now to share what I have learned about healing.  It is my duty.  It is my way of showing the Lord how grateful I am for this gift and that it will not be wasted.

I want to share a miracle with you.  For my birthday, all I wanted from my parents was a trip to the lake and a chance to water ski.  I had that opportunity a few days ago.  As I strapped on the life jacket, pulled on the ski gloves and slipped into the ski, I admit that I my nerves were starting to get the best of me.  I've been a water skier for nearly 30 years and my comfort level in doing so usually overcomes any nervousness to be felt. My legs were shaking with the anticipation of possible struggle.  I had no idea how my muscles would respond to the strain and how I would perform if I did manage to pull myself up.  As I slide into the chilly water, my family in the boat cheered me on:  "You can do this!  Even if it's for a short time, that is success!"  I took a few deep, calming breaths and told myself: "You CAN do this!  You WILL Succeed!  Look at how far you have come."

I may not be as graceful or as daring as a once was.  But I take this video as proof of a miracle.  I have succeeded.  Success comes in telling myself I will never stop trying.  It comes in knowing I have done everything I can to facilitate the healing the Lord has granted me.  He expects us to take part.  Miracles often happen through work on our part.  I look back and see all the things I would have missed learning if I would have had immediate healing.  Would I really want to give that back?  Would you all want me to?  I feel part of that learning was to do what I am doing now, teaching and inspiring others in their own healing journey.  I hope to continue to do that.