Self-care is Not Selfish

I used to believe that self-care was one of those "fads", something that new age groupies touted as the revolutionary new way to heal all our ailments.  Guess what?  I am now one of those "groupies." Not that I believe it heals everything, but I have wholeheartedly jumped on board and embraced self-care as a very important aspect of the healing process.  I used to believe that I could give everything of myself to others, that wearing out in the service of God was the key to eternal happiness.  I've come to learn that that approach is far from what the Lord means when He asks us to give of ourselves.

I want you to look at the title of this post and ask yourself:  "Is self-care not selfish?  I'm thinking about myself, doing things for myself, and focusing on me; how is that not selfish? Doesn't God teach us to forget ourselves and think of others above all else?"

Self-care is about love.  I love my family to infinity and beyond.  I love my neighbors and ward members as if they are my family.  Because I love them, I want to give them the best me that I can give.  The best gift I can give them is to be a wife and mother who takes care of herself.  Kids want and need a mom who takes care of herself.  A mom who knows how to be present; who finds joy in the small moments; who allows herself the space she needs to process negative emotions; who doesn't create drama around the mistakes she makes; who loves her body and understands her value as a woman and daughter of God.  In the end, these gifts will have so much more impact on our kids than anything else we do - any grand vacation we take them on, any amazing school they go to, etc.  These same gifts apply to all the people we associate with.  Image how much more gentle and kind our interactions would be if no one was overwhelmed with emotions because they knew how to process them, if no one was consumed with never completed to-do lists because they value being enough, if no one dwelt on playing the victim of everyone else's problems because they have learned ownership and forgiveness of self. 

Self-care is not Selfish!

It is so much more than taking a break, or having balance, or enjoying a girls night out.  I want to tell you:  You deserve to take care of yourself.  Do you want to know another thing? It's also your responsibility,  to yourself and the people around you.  Self-care leads to being better able to take care of your loved ones.  You can not give from an empty vessel.  How can that be selfish?  I self-care because I love.  I love myself enough to give myself the time I need.  And I love my family and friends enough to take care of myself, so I can better be present in their lives, so I can be more available to serve and fill others needs. 

Here's the thing:  Everyone of us has needs that must be met.  We can try to meet those needs externally, or you can learn the art of self-care and fulfill them internally.  When our needs aren't met, we often turn to some artificial way of hopefully filling those needs.  Food. Social media and all our devices. Drugs and other addictive behaviors.  Even somethings that you wouldn't think would be artificial could be covering up the deeper need that you have; things like a relationship that is abusive, or having a baby to try to find happiness within yourself, or buying a new pet because you think they will bring you the peace you lack.  The best thing we can do for ourselves is to learn how to have a healthy, compassionate relationship with ourselves first and foremost.  Tell yourself: I love myself and that is why I am doing this.  It takes courage to do this.  To love and accept yourself is the ultimate act of courage.  

I'm sure you are wondering how to go about learning self-care.  I'd like to offer a few ideas.  I first had to discover what my needs were that I felt were not being met.  I am someone who thrives on connections with others and feel very fulfilled from those interactions.  I need to serve, to feel like I'm helping make someone's live better and feel like I am helping the kingdom of God.  I need to feel accomplished, that I have done something meaningful with my day.  I need to be intellectually challenged, to study and expand my understanding of the world around me and the truths God has given.   I also need to relax, to be still, to say "no" to others when my body needs rest.  (That is one I didn't realize I had neglected for too many years.)  After discovering some of my needs, I evaluated how they were best met.  I pray and study a lot in the mornings.  I listen to podcasts from an LDS lifecoach.  I read. A lot!  I go to lunch often with friends and I speak to people in the grocery line, because I love to make connections. But the challenge came to me when I could no longer meet those needs in the way I used to.  I had to make a few changes to ways I filled those needs.  I have now learned that those needs can always be met, even when I have no energy. 

What does my self-care look like?  Most summer mornings finds me eating breakfast outside, and most evenings finds me outside again as I read my book and listen to the crickets chirp.  I've learned that I need nature-therapy to ground myself and clear my energy.  It is the way for me to Be Still, to let my body heal, and to recharge.  I take hot showers, where I end the shower by sitting on the floor as the water cascades and massages.  I have started  using "I am" statements as I use this time to meditate.  "I am enough.  I am at peace.  I am healing. I am connected to God."  And I truly believe these statements as I say them.  In this way, I find myself being more gentle with the mistakes I have made that day.  I forgive myself more readily.  I realize what I did accomplish was enough.  And I realize that healing happens slowly, and am at peace with the process.  Self-care is sometimes me saying "no" to activities I used to love, because I know it won't be the best thing in the long run for my family or the calling I'm trying to fulfill.  It helps me prioritize.  Self-care is learning what I can and can't eat, what provides the most energy for me to perform my duties.  It is learning how to be mindful of my body.  It is sending my kids back to school so I could continue to heal. 

Self-care will be personal to each of us.  I want each of you to know, You can have what you truly want in life.  Believe in yourself.  Empower yourself. Give yourself the gift of the care you need, so that you can fulfill the other roles you have in life.  Love yourself enough to give yourself what you need.

"Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves."  Brene Brown