Rise

It has been almost two years since this journey has begun... At least according to this blog.  Like most journey's though, the first step begins long before we realize we are on the journey.  In truth, my path went down hill a few years previous to the first post.

I was living my life in a way I thought I should.  I was giving all I could to my family (I had started homeschooling). I was giving all that I thought I should to my calling (as a counselor in the Relief Society Presidency).  I was claiming to being able to find a balance in my life.  And, truthfully, I was on a spiritual high.  I had some incredible experiences during that time.

But there was something I was neglecting.  Part of this life is to learn stewardship.  We are given the care of things, such as our homes, our yards, our families, and our bodies, so that we might prove ourselves worthy to God.  Worthy to go back to His presence at the judgement day and say, yes, I took care of all you entrusted to me.  Worthy to someday be a God ourselves.  There is much more to this stewardship, more than I can include in this post.  But it is here that my path began to slide.

I was not a good steward of my body and my soul as a complete whole.  I kept telling myself that I was wearing myself out in the service of my God, that what I was doing was worthwhile, and that I would be blessed for my sacrifice.  And for a time I was.  I was sustained through some pretty severe illnesses that lasted for months.  I was sustained to fulfill my calling.  Until the day I was released.  The very next morning, after that mantle was taken from me, I could not get out of bed.  The Lord was telling me, "It is now time to take care of you."  I had no choice.  It was time.

But I still fought it.  I didn't want to admit that anything was wrong with me.  I'd grown up with the belief that I could work my way through anything, that I could still work through illnesses and be fine.  While that serves me well to a point, giving me the positivity and strength I need, I wasn't listening to the long term effects of my actions.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have had much testing.  I have exhausted my resources in the medical community.  While this has brought peace of mind, it has also left me with little hope at times.  Would I ever feel whole again?  Would I ever be able to serve in the way I longed to serve?  Would I be able to give to my children and husband the kind of mother they deserved?  Let's be honest, my actions were affecting them tremendously.

I hit a low point a month or so ago.  I was depressed.  I was grieving; grieving the life I had hoped to have; grieving the life I once had and wanted back again.  I was doing everything in my power to make the changes necessary to take care of my body and I was still not gaining my energy back.  (This, itself, has been a journey of seeking answers and finding help outside the medical field.  A journey of clean eating and natural healing.  A post for another day. 😊)  And then a day came when the Spirit whispered to me:  "Accept this trial."

What did that mean?  It meant that I had to turn my life over to God and accept what He was trying to do with it.  Accept who He wanted me to become, and the journey He needed me to take to get there.

And so I accepted.

And my life has been different from that day forward.

I am different.  I approach things different.  I take care of myself and I give myself permission to be a true steward over the health I have and want, over the body I have been entrusted with.  I accept this trial and I accept the person that Lord needs me to become.

As I was starting to walk the track today at our local rec. center, the first song that came on was a song titled "Rise" from Katy Perry.  Now, most would say, how could a Katy Perry song make you emotional?  But it did.  This song has been a theme, an anthem if you will, for me these past few years.  I will not give up.  I will not give in to the voices in my head that say you can't get through this, just accept your fate.  I will keep trying.  I will transform.  And I will rise.  Again, and again, and again. As long as the Lord needs me to.  And that is why I was emotional.  For me to even be there, with energy to be out of bed and walking, is a miracle.  With each step I took, I was proving that I would rise above this.  And that is reason to rejoice.

                                                              "Rise"                                                      

I won't just survive
Oh, you will see me thrive
Can't write my story
I'm beyond the archetype

I won't just conform
No matter how you shake my core
'Cause my roots—they run deep, oh

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I will not negotiate
I'll fight it, I'll fight it
I will transform

When, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise

I must stay conscious
Through the madness and chaos
So I call on my angels
They say

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in your veins
You know it, you know it
And you will not negotiate
Just fight it, just fight it
And be transformed

'Cause when, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise

Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You know it, you know it
Still rise
Just fight it, just fight it
Don't be surprised
I will still rise