I have waited 3 months to get in to see the pulminologist. I often wonder, had I been able to get in right away when my lungs were giving me the most trouble, if the diagnosis would have been different. As of now, my lungs sound normal. Really? They don't feel normal. They burn when I take deep breaths, they struggle when I try to exercise.
I have told my friend that on my deathbed the doctors will still not be able to find out what is wrong with me. My headstone will read: All the tests came back normal.
In fairness to the Pulminologist, she is trying to be very thorough. She didn't just look me over and send me on my way. More tests have been ordered (yippee?), one such test being an ultrasound on my heart. Could it be my heart that is causing all this anguish? At this point I expect it to come back normal like everything else.
What they don't understand it this is not normal FOR ME. The tests may say that, but it is not my normal. I understand that doctors are human, that they don't have all the answers. I am just not sure where else to go. And so I continue forth, with a prayer in my heart that soon I will understand this journey I have been asked to travel.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Monday, July 11, 2016
Nevertheless, I went forth....
It has been a while since my appointment with my family doctor. He listened to my concerns, but gave no answers. He ordered a full panel of blood tests to see if that showed anything. He also ordered an EKG and the wearing of a heart monitor for 24 hours to see if they could discover why I was getting heart palpitations. The Answers: Nothing. Everything is in the normal range. According to the tests thus far there is no indication of anything being wrong with me.
At this I could choose to be frustrated. But I realized something. I have been praying for answers and these are answers. They are answers for things that I do not have. I don't have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I don't have heart disease. I don't have cancer showing up. My thyroid is working as it should with the medicine I take. So where do I go from here?
Today I am getting pulminary function tests done to see how my lungs are working. And on Wednesday, after a 3 month wait, I finally get to see the pulminologist. So I go forth, not knowing where this next step will lead, but trusting that eventually I will get answers somewhere.
At this I could choose to be frustrated. But I realized something. I have been praying for answers and these are answers. They are answers for things that I do not have. I don't have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I don't have heart disease. I don't have cancer showing up. My thyroid is working as it should with the medicine I take. So where do I go from here?
Today I am getting pulminary function tests done to see how my lungs are working. And on Wednesday, after a 3 month wait, I finally get to see the pulminologist. So I go forth, not knowing where this next step will lead, but trusting that eventually I will get answers somewhere.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
The Day
Today is the day. My appointment with the doctor is this morning. What will it bring, I wonder? Will I find the answers I need? At this point, I am ready for whatever it is I must deal with. I just need answers so I can move forward.
As I studied and pondered the words of the Lord this morning, I am armed with hope. A great truth of eternity is that God Loves me. He loves ME, with all His heart, might, mind, and strength. And because He loves me so completely, He will not leave me to do this alone.
"No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character [to do so]... He will [always] stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them. " ~George Q. Cannon
I am grateful that the Lord loves me so completely that He wants me to be pure enough to see Him again some day. And because of that love I will Keep loving, I will keep trying, I will keep trusting, I will keep believing, and I will keep growing. Heaven is cheering me on; how can I let them down? (inspiration taken from Elder Jeffery R. Holland)
As I studied and pondered the words of the Lord this morning, I am armed with hope. A great truth of eternity is that God Loves me. He loves ME, with all His heart, might, mind, and strength. And because He loves me so completely, He will not leave me to do this alone.
"No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character [to do so]... He will [always] stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them. " ~George Q. Cannon
I am grateful that the Lord loves me so completely that He wants me to be pure enough to see Him again some day. And because of that love I will Keep loving, I will keep trying, I will keep trusting, I will keep believing, and I will keep growing. Heaven is cheering me on; how can I let them down? (inspiration taken from Elder Jeffery R. Holland)
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Angel's Landing
Angel's Landing Hike! Wow!
Knowing that my health might limit me in the future, I wanted one thing to be a representative of the journey before me. As a family, I wanted to tackle something difficult and come off triumphant. This amazing, difficult, scary hike is what I chose.
Zion National Park is an incredibly beautiful park, nestled in the canyons of southwestern Utah. I spent many vacations in my youth hiking through this beautiful vista. Angel's landing in one such hike that my parents took us on. This is a 5 Mile round trip hike with many switchbacks, steep ascents, and sheer drop offs. But it is an incredible view once you reach the top, the place where angels land.
As I hiked I couldn't help but see the whole experience as a metaphor for the life I was experiencing.
What started off as a gentle walk along the riverside, quickly became a steady climb. Life is like that.... it's not meant to be easy and calm, it's meant to challenge us. This steady climb turns to tiring switchbacks, back and forth and you ascend to a greater height. Many breaks were needed to catch our breath. We could see the goal in mind, we just needed reprieve as we worked our way there at the best pace we could give. Just like this journey of mine... I can only give so much. I need to rest when I feel the need, regain peace and reprieve to tackle the next leg of the journey.
After these difficult switchbacks comes this amazingly calm canyon. It is about 10 degrees cooler and is a gentle climb once again. I feel that the Lord blesses our lives with periods of calm just like this one. He knows what we can handle and how hard to push us before we have this time of rest. My children wanted to stop and play here, wanting to end the hike. While it's okay to spend some time in this calm, it's not where we should stop. We have greater things ahead. We have received the rest we needed for the truly difficult task ahead. Walter's Wiggles. (yes, that is really what they call the next leg of the hike. :-) )
If we thought the switchbacks earlier were hard, these are something else. We could only go one or two switchbacks before having to rest and catch our breath. There was another group in the same boat as us and we were there to encourage each other along the way. I know that in my health journey I will also have the same experience; others will be on this path with me. We can give strength and help where needed. It was because of this, seeing that someone else was strong when I was weak, and visa versa, that I was able to continue this ascent.
When this difficult part is complete, you reach Scout's lookout, a place of rest. For some, this is the journey's end. It is a beautiful sight, with vista's on either side looking over the canyon. There is plenty of area to rest, to eat lunch, and to look back on the journey it took to get here. It is here that the question must be asked: "Am I going to stop? Is this good enough for me?" This was not the end I had in mind when I started this journey. While there would be no shame in finishing now, and some of my children wanted to, I knew there were greater things ahead. We must persevere.
The final ascent it a tedious, slow one. You are literally scaling rocks, sometimes on your hands and knees, with only a chain to hold to. Many places are one way paths where you have to take turns with those coming back down. As a youth I was not scared at all. Now, if I allowed it, I was filled with fear. I knew my strength and skill level had changed and I was afraid I might fail. This is what I learned from this leg of the hike:
Other's have gone before and are there to encourage and help. Their praise of our 8 year old is what kept him going through his tears. As we passed an especially difficult part, strangers hands reached out to assist. Those strangers became saviors in a time of need. Hands reached down to lift up, others were behind to hoist upward. We were all there to assist and give strength as needed. At times my children would comment about the newfound fear of heights they had just acquired. As much for them as for me I taught them to focus on the path. Don't get distracted by the fear that might surround us. Focus on what makes it easier and continue to climb. And, as a family, we did it! We reached the summit. And it was incredible! Beauty and peace beyond compare. Unlike Scout's lookout, there are few places to rest here. Only a small number are allowed to enjoy this beauty. Only those who knew there were greater things ahead and were not afraid to traverse the extremely difficult terrain to gain this blessing.
My oldest daughter is not a hiker. She does not enjoy it and has a slight fear of heights. I was worried that I would not be able to get her to join us for this. I decided to be honest with her. I told her my health concerns, letting her know this is my last hoorah before my life might change. I asked her to do this for me. How proud I am that she looked outside herself and chose to come. In fact, she was the only one who did not complain one bit. She even enjoyed to most difficult part, the scaling of the rocks, saying it was her favorite part.
How often to we look back and see that the most difficult things in life end up being the things that bring us the greatest joy, the greatest happiness, because it is true happiness gained through the blessings of a Loving God? I will not give up, no matter how hard the journey ahead will be. I know it will bring me to my knees often. I choose to succeed. I choose the beauty of the end goal, a place where Angel's land. I choose to see the goodness of God in all of this.
Knowing that my health might limit me in the future, I wanted one thing to be a representative of the journey before me. As a family, I wanted to tackle something difficult and come off triumphant. This amazing, difficult, scary hike is what I chose.
Zion National Park is an incredibly beautiful park, nestled in the canyons of southwestern Utah. I spent many vacations in my youth hiking through this beautiful vista. Angel's landing in one such hike that my parents took us on. This is a 5 Mile round trip hike with many switchbacks, steep ascents, and sheer drop offs. But it is an incredible view once you reach the top, the place where angels land.
As I hiked I couldn't help but see the whole experience as a metaphor for the life I was experiencing.
What started off as a gentle walk along the riverside, quickly became a steady climb. Life is like that.... it's not meant to be easy and calm, it's meant to challenge us. This steady climb turns to tiring switchbacks, back and forth and you ascend to a greater height. Many breaks were needed to catch our breath. We could see the goal in mind, we just needed reprieve as we worked our way there at the best pace we could give. Just like this journey of mine... I can only give so much. I need to rest when I feel the need, regain peace and reprieve to tackle the next leg of the journey.
After these difficult switchbacks comes this amazingly calm canyon. It is about 10 degrees cooler and is a gentle climb once again. I feel that the Lord blesses our lives with periods of calm just like this one. He knows what we can handle and how hard to push us before we have this time of rest. My children wanted to stop and play here, wanting to end the hike. While it's okay to spend some time in this calm, it's not where we should stop. We have greater things ahead. We have received the rest we needed for the truly difficult task ahead. Walter's Wiggles. (yes, that is really what they call the next leg of the hike. :-) )
If we thought the switchbacks earlier were hard, these are something else. We could only go one or two switchbacks before having to rest and catch our breath. There was another group in the same boat as us and we were there to encourage each other along the way. I know that in my health journey I will also have the same experience; others will be on this path with me. We can give strength and help where needed. It was because of this, seeing that someone else was strong when I was weak, and visa versa, that I was able to continue this ascent.
When this difficult part is complete, you reach Scout's lookout, a place of rest. For some, this is the journey's end. It is a beautiful sight, with vista's on either side looking over the canyon. There is plenty of area to rest, to eat lunch, and to look back on the journey it took to get here. It is here that the question must be asked: "Am I going to stop? Is this good enough for me?" This was not the end I had in mind when I started this journey. While there would be no shame in finishing now, and some of my children wanted to, I knew there were greater things ahead. We must persevere.
The final ascent it a tedious, slow one. You are literally scaling rocks, sometimes on your hands and knees, with only a chain to hold to. Many places are one way paths where you have to take turns with those coming back down. As a youth I was not scared at all. Now, if I allowed it, I was filled with fear. I knew my strength and skill level had changed and I was afraid I might fail. This is what I learned from this leg of the hike:
Other's have gone before and are there to encourage and help. Their praise of our 8 year old is what kept him going through his tears. As we passed an especially difficult part, strangers hands reached out to assist. Those strangers became saviors in a time of need. Hands reached down to lift up, others were behind to hoist upward. We were all there to assist and give strength as needed. At times my children would comment about the newfound fear of heights they had just acquired. As much for them as for me I taught them to focus on the path. Don't get distracted by the fear that might surround us. Focus on what makes it easier and continue to climb. And, as a family, we did it! We reached the summit. And it was incredible! Beauty and peace beyond compare. Unlike Scout's lookout, there are few places to rest here. Only a small number are allowed to enjoy this beauty. Only those who knew there were greater things ahead and were not afraid to traverse the extremely difficult terrain to gain this blessing.
My oldest daughter is not a hiker. She does not enjoy it and has a slight fear of heights. I was worried that I would not be able to get her to join us for this. I decided to be honest with her. I told her my health concerns, letting her know this is my last hoorah before my life might change. I asked her to do this for me. How proud I am that she looked outside herself and chose to come. In fact, she was the only one who did not complain one bit. She even enjoyed to most difficult part, the scaling of the rocks, saying it was her favorite part.
How often to we look back and see that the most difficult things in life end up being the things that bring us the greatest joy, the greatest happiness, because it is true happiness gained through the blessings of a Loving God? I will not give up, no matter how hard the journey ahead will be. I know it will bring me to my knees often. I choose to succeed. I choose the beauty of the end goal, a place where Angel's land. I choose to see the goodness of God in all of this.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Attack!!!
My body likes to attack itself. This I have learned. It began 11 years ago when an extremely bad stomach flu, during the first part of a pregnancy, did something unusual. As by body attacked the stomach flu, it also attacked the platelets in my body; To the point where I almost had to have a blood transfusion. It would have been scary if I would have been coherent enough to think about it. (Muddled mind, barely able to stay awake. Sores in my mouth similar to blood blisters. Yeah.) Then, 3 years later, after having another child.... I gain 10 pounds in 1 week. What is up with that?! I should be losing all the baby weight, right? Well, not when you get Hashimoto's disease and have antibodies that attack your thyroid. And, guess what? Those same antibodies decided to attack my cerebellum and cause depression. So, yup, my body is my own worst enemy at times.
So when it is suggested to me that I should look into Rheumatoid Arthritis, it just seems to fit. "An autoimmune disorder, rheumatoid arthritis occurs when your immune system mistakenly attacks your own body's tissues." Something else that wants to attack my body? BRING IT ON!
Keep your head up. God gives His hardest battles to His strongest soldiers.
If I would have written this post yesterday, I would have been wallowing in uncertainty and fighting off sorrow. I am not naive enough to think I won't have hard days. But that is not today. Today I will fight this battle, whatever it is that is asked of me. Today I will trust in God that I am strong enough to do this. My sweet husband prayed last night that we will be able to accept whatever it is that we find out. How blessed am I, to have a husband that will stand by my, one that has faith in a Father in Heaven to be our support.
So I begin to fight. I will Not let this beat me. I will climb that mountain. This week that mountain will be literal. We will be visiting a beautiful National Park in Southern Utah, called Zion. I have been waiting for my children to be old enough to hike this amazing hike called Angel's Landing. With my health concerns, I worried I wouldn't be able to do this. But I will not let it stop me. As I begin this journey, this is my starting off adventure. I want us to prove together that, as a family, we can traverse hard paths and come off conquers. And so it begins....
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Marissa's journey begins
It all started almost two years ago. Or, that is what I originally thought. About that time, I came down with Whooping cough. I know, don't they have vaccines for that? Yup. Turns out they expire and I was no longer protected. Hence, three painful months of coughing. And coughing. I was even recognized in the store by a friend who thought: "That sounds like Marissa's coughing." Sad.
Six months later I am at Disneyland when I get the flu. Full on body aches with fever. But, can I stop to take care of myself? Nope. That's what mom's do. They sacrifice their health for the happiness of their children. You pretend that everything is all right. When I get home, the coughing has begun. Again. And I still can't rest and take care of myself. My dear friend has just lost her life to Cancer. I am now grieving and trying to offer what help I can. My flu turns into Bronchitis, turns into pneumonia. Another few months of cough and damaged lungs.
Fast forward to now. My kids have learned to stay away from me when they start to get sick because they don't want mom coughing, again (their words and choice, not mine). I have been blessed to stay relatively healthy for 6 months. And then....
For the last two years I have held a position in my church that was in the Presidency for the women's organization. It was an amazing calling where I learned about the true power of unconditional love, of serving with all my heart, and giving more of myself than I ever thought possible. I was so connected to it. It was an extension of who I was. And I was happy, and at peace.
2 months ago I was released from that calling. My time was complete. I will admit, I spiraled into a depression for a few weeks. I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore without the mantle of this position. I knew I trusted God. This was the thing He needed from me at this time and it was someone else's turn to grow. But, during this time of depression I started to get sick again. My lungs were weak. It felt like I was constantly having an asthma attack, that oxygen was not getting where it was supposed to go. I was fatigued. I would have enough energy to do things and then, out of nowhere, felt I needed to sleep right then. Not a very exciting thought as I am driving kids to lessons.
I know that Dr.'s are busy and they do there best. I wasn't able to get into my regular doctor during this time, so had to be seen by the on-call doc. "Here's an antibiotic and an inhaler. Call us again if it's not better in a week." Really? I am trying to tell you by background, my history, and tell you I feel there is something more going on. And you don't even take the time to listen to my lungs! I'm sorry. This is just not what I was hoping for. In that time I decided I need to see a Pulminologist. Turns out, it takes at least two months to get into them. And then, last week, they reschedule on me and it's another month. When you are hoping for answers, this is such a blow. I hung up the phone and fought back the tears. When will I get answers.
Something I have learned about myself is I have a tendency to tell people what is wrong with me. I am not very good at keeping things inside. As I have told different people what I have been experiencing, they have each had different ideas.
"Maybe you just need time to let your body heal and become stronger. Allow yourself that time."
"Maybe it's your heart. Whooping cough can cause heart problems."
"Let me find the name of an Internal Medicine Doctor, so he can help you figure out all the issues together."
"Remember when you were a kid and they thought you had Rheumatoid arthritis? Maybe you should read about that and talk to your doctor about that possibility."
All well meaning friends, and my dear mom, and I am so thankful that they want to help me. I have had many thoughts this week concerning all of these suggestions. I have much to say about what I have researched and how I feel that RA is the most likely possibility, knowing all my symptoms. A life-long disease. I can't even begin..... Tomorrow.
So, why am I starting this blog? Because I need a place to write my thoughts. Every time I think about finding a friend to help me with what I feel I will be faced with, I become overwhelmed. For them. I don't even want to burden my husband with all my pains, as I know he will have to carry much in the future. No one needs to carry by burden all the time. I have already found One who has done that for me. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be my support. I will trust Him. Always.
I dedicate this blog to my Sweet Friend, Alyssa. It is because of her and her journey with cancer that I decided to do this. I think she found much healing though the written word. I miss you friend.
Six months later I am at Disneyland when I get the flu. Full on body aches with fever. But, can I stop to take care of myself? Nope. That's what mom's do. They sacrifice their health for the happiness of their children. You pretend that everything is all right. When I get home, the coughing has begun. Again. And I still can't rest and take care of myself. My dear friend has just lost her life to Cancer. I am now grieving and trying to offer what help I can. My flu turns into Bronchitis, turns into pneumonia. Another few months of cough and damaged lungs.
Fast forward to now. My kids have learned to stay away from me when they start to get sick because they don't want mom coughing, again (their words and choice, not mine). I have been blessed to stay relatively healthy for 6 months. And then....
For the last two years I have held a position in my church that was in the Presidency for the women's organization. It was an amazing calling where I learned about the true power of unconditional love, of serving with all my heart, and giving more of myself than I ever thought possible. I was so connected to it. It was an extension of who I was. And I was happy, and at peace.
2 months ago I was released from that calling. My time was complete. I will admit, I spiraled into a depression for a few weeks. I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore without the mantle of this position. I knew I trusted God. This was the thing He needed from me at this time and it was someone else's turn to grow. But, during this time of depression I started to get sick again. My lungs were weak. It felt like I was constantly having an asthma attack, that oxygen was not getting where it was supposed to go. I was fatigued. I would have enough energy to do things and then, out of nowhere, felt I needed to sleep right then. Not a very exciting thought as I am driving kids to lessons.
I know that Dr.'s are busy and they do there best. I wasn't able to get into my regular doctor during this time, so had to be seen by the on-call doc. "Here's an antibiotic and an inhaler. Call us again if it's not better in a week." Really? I am trying to tell you by background, my history, and tell you I feel there is something more going on. And you don't even take the time to listen to my lungs! I'm sorry. This is just not what I was hoping for. In that time I decided I need to see a Pulminologist. Turns out, it takes at least two months to get into them. And then, last week, they reschedule on me and it's another month. When you are hoping for answers, this is such a blow. I hung up the phone and fought back the tears. When will I get answers.
Something I have learned about myself is I have a tendency to tell people what is wrong with me. I am not very good at keeping things inside. As I have told different people what I have been experiencing, they have each had different ideas.
"Maybe you just need time to let your body heal and become stronger. Allow yourself that time."
"Maybe it's your heart. Whooping cough can cause heart problems."
"Let me find the name of an Internal Medicine Doctor, so he can help you figure out all the issues together."
"Remember when you were a kid and they thought you had Rheumatoid arthritis? Maybe you should read about that and talk to your doctor about that possibility."
All well meaning friends, and my dear mom, and I am so thankful that they want to help me. I have had many thoughts this week concerning all of these suggestions. I have much to say about what I have researched and how I feel that RA is the most likely possibility, knowing all my symptoms. A life-long disease. I can't even begin..... Tomorrow.
So, why am I starting this blog? Because I need a place to write my thoughts. Every time I think about finding a friend to help me with what I feel I will be faced with, I become overwhelmed. For them. I don't even want to burden my husband with all my pains, as I know he will have to carry much in the future. No one needs to carry by burden all the time. I have already found One who has done that for me. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be my support. I will trust Him. Always.
I dedicate this blog to my Sweet Friend, Alyssa. It is because of her and her journey with cancer that I decided to do this. I think she found much healing though the written word. I miss you friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)