Marissa's journey begins

It all started almost two years ago.  Or, that is what I originally thought.  About that time, I came down with Whooping cough.  I know, don't they have vaccines for that?  Yup.  Turns out they expire and I was no longer protected.  Hence, three painful months of coughing. And coughing.  I was even recognized in the store by a friend who thought:  "That sounds like Marissa's coughing."  Sad.  

Six months later I am at Disneyland when I get the flu.  Full on body aches with fever.  But, can I stop to take care of myself?  Nope.  That's what mom's do.  They sacrifice their health for the happiness of their children.  You pretend that everything is all right.  When I get home, the coughing has begun.  Again.  And I still can't rest and take care of myself.  My dear friend has just lost her life to Cancer.  I am now grieving and trying to offer what help I can.  My flu turns into Bronchitis, turns into pneumonia. Another few months of cough and damaged lungs.

Fast forward to now.  My kids have learned to stay away from me when they start to get sick because they don't want mom coughing, again (their words and choice, not mine).  I have been blessed to stay relatively healthy for 6 months.  And then....

For the last two years I have held a position in my church that was in the Presidency for the women's organization.  It was an amazing calling where I learned about the true power of unconditional love, of serving with all my heart, and giving more of myself than I ever thought possible.  I was so connected to it.  It was an extension of who I was.  And I was happy, and at peace.

2 months ago I was released from that calling.  My time was complete.  I will admit, I spiraled into a depression for a few weeks.  I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore without the mantle of this position.  I knew I trusted God.  This was the thing He needed from me at this time and it was someone else's turn to grow.  But, during this time of depression I started to get sick again.  My lungs were weak.  It felt like I was constantly having an asthma attack, that oxygen was not getting where it was supposed to go.  I was fatigued.  I would have enough energy to do things and then, out of nowhere, felt I needed to sleep right then.  Not a very exciting thought as I am driving kids to lessons.

I know that Dr.'s are busy and they do there best.  I wasn't able to get into my regular doctor during this time, so had to be seen by the on-call doc.  "Here's an antibiotic and an inhaler.  Call us again if it's not better in a week."  Really?  I am trying to tell you by background, my history, and tell you I feel there is something more going on.  And you don't even take the time to listen to my lungs!  I'm sorry.  This is just not what I was hoping for.  In that time I decided I need to see a Pulminologist.  Turns out, it takes at least two months to get into them.  And then, last week, they reschedule on me and it's another month.  When you are hoping for answers, this is such a blow.  I hung up the phone and fought back the tears.  When will I get answers.

Something I have learned about myself is I have a tendency to tell people what is wrong with me. I am not very good at keeping things inside.  As I have told different people what I have been experiencing, they have each had different ideas.
"Maybe you just need time to let your body heal and become stronger.  Allow yourself that time."
"Maybe it's your heart.  Whooping cough can cause heart problems."
"Let me find the name of an Internal Medicine Doctor, so he can help you figure out all the issues together."
"Remember when you were a kid and they thought you had Rheumatoid arthritis?  Maybe you should read about that and talk to your doctor about that possibility."
All well meaning friends, and my dear mom,  and I am so thankful that they want to help me.  I have had many thoughts this week concerning all of these suggestions.  I have much to say about what I have researched and how I feel that RA is the most likely possibility, knowing all my symptoms.  A life-long disease.  I can't even begin.....  Tomorrow.

So, why am I starting this blog?  Because I need a place to write my thoughts.  Every time I think about finding a friend to help me with what I feel I will be faced with, I become overwhelmed.  For them.  I don't even want to burden my husband with all my pains, as I know he will have to carry much in the future.  No one needs to carry by burden all the time.  I have already found One who has done that for me.  My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be my support.  I will trust Him.  Always.

I dedicate this blog to my Sweet Friend, Alyssa.  It is because of her and her journey with cancer that I decided to do this.  I think she found much healing though the written word.  I miss you friend.