Attack the Anxiety

When I started high school, I remember the attacks beginning.  It wasn't until much later that I saw them for what they were, anxiety or panic attacks.  Since they were strange in the way they manifested themselves, it was hard to gain an understanding of what they were.  I vividly remember one of the first days of high school, in what must have been my junior year.  I had parked the car near the seminary building and, as I got out, I was overcome with nausea.  I had to run to a nearby bush to find a safe place to expel the contents of that upset stomach.  For the rest of the day I felt fine.  Nothing, it seemed, had brought on that upset.  I wasn't nervous about school beginning, though I may have been overwhelmed with thoughts of wanting to succeed.  I was not dealing with an illness.  It was very unclear to me what had brought it on.

It's almost embarrassing to share how these attacks continued to manifest themselves.  But, in a sense of vulnerability and honesty, I will share.  It seemed I could never go on a date without the accompanying nausea.  There were many a times I had to have my date pull over, or I'd stick my head out the car window, or find a nearby trashcan.  As a teenager this was mortifying.  It didn't seem to matter what I did to try and prevent it, or how good of friends I was with the guy who I was going out with; those nerve attacks seemed to come out of nowhere and overtake me.  This was a really tough thing for me.  I'm positive that I was not asked on second dates because of this.  That was heart wrenching. 

I'm grateful to parents that were sensitive to how much it affected me to constantly be expelling my stomach contents on these dates.  In a very close family, where joking was often a way to alleviate stressful situations, I remember my mom being very gentle.  She often reminded me to turn to the Lord; even if the trial wasn't removed, strength would be given and understanding would eventually come.   At times we did make light of it by saying I would know the man I was going to marry because I wouldn't throw up on dates with him.  (Incidentally, this turned out to be truth😂). 

Here's me, in all my Jr. Year glory. 😁

In another way I experienced what would be seen as a typical anxiety attack.  My heart would skip beats and race.  My breath would become shallow.  I would feel I had no control of my own body.  The interesting thing about these attacks is they would generally come after some big stressful event.   I would be able to make it through whatever I was dealing with, but then a few days later I would have an attack.  Strange, I know.   

Fast forward to the last few years.  For the most part, throughout my adult life I've learned to recognize my anxiety attacks for what they were and known how to calm myself, or allow them to work through my system.  All that changed when I went through the teenage years with my oldest daughter, Ada.  While there is much going on in the body that brings on anxiety, a lack of feeling control is one aspect.  While I didn't think I was trying to control her life, I was trying to control the outcome.  I was seeing all the possibilities of things that could go wrong.  I had fear; a fear of the unknown. 

There was one night, when I learned of something damaging that my daughter was choosing to do, that one of these attacks overcame me.  I tossed and turned in bed.  My heart raced.  I was overcome with nausea, but my body would not relieve itself.  I didn't sleep at all that night.  No amount of prayer seemed to make a difference.  When you are in these attacks, your body has taken over and it is extremely difficult to come out of it.  I stayed on the couch downstairs, hoping to let my husband sleep, hoping relief would come with the light of day.  In the early morning hours, I noticed my neighbor getting ready to go to to work.  He had no idea of the situation, but I needed his help.  I approached him and asked him for a priesthood blessing.  I knew that the only power that could help me was the power from God, used through man, to calm my troubled heart.  While I won't go into the details of that prayer, the results were immediate.  After the blessing, I laid down on couch and was able to finally sleep. 

I knew I needed to find a way to cope with these major attacks in the future.  I couldn't let them take over my life like this.  I knew I had to find a way to cope before the attack and not in the midst of one.  We had much ahead of us with this child, and three more up and coming teenagers to follow.  I am so grateful I chose to schedule myself a session with Ada's counselor.  In the session she helped me to understand where my thinking was flawed.  She gave me practical tools to cope and ways to talk to myself to work through these attacks.  Part of that teaching was a list of "Worry-list Questions".  The premise of these questions is that they should be done ahead of time, when your heart and mind are in a calm place. Write the answers down, have a plan of attack laid out before the anxiety can attack you. These made all the difference for me in being able to manage an attack before it came on. 

1. What is the worst that could happen?  Resolve the "what ifs".

2.  How likely is it to happen?

3.  If that does happen, what do I want to do to handle it?
I get to choose or create how I want to be  (Isn't that empowering! I get to choose my reaction, not my body!)

4.  How much control/influence do I have in this situation?

5.  What possible positive outcomes are there?

I want to give a practical example.  It will seem to be extreme, but I want it to be seen that it really can be done in any situation.  If it sounds callous and cold in some places, remember, you are doing this out of a sense of love and trust.  You love yourself and need to treat yourself with kindness, and you trust in the faith you have that God can use anything for good.  Not just for us, but for those who make poor decisions that affect themselves and those around them. 

1.What is the worst that could happen?  
My child is going to kill himself.  (We are resolving the "what ifs".  What if my child decides to take his own life? What if we have to deal with the after affects of his actions? etc)

2.  How likely is it to happen?
It's highly possible.  I feel like I know my child.  Sometimes he gets into dark places.  The depression sets in and he says he wishes he could check out of life.  So, yes, even though we love him and have provided him with every opportunity to get help, he has shown tendencies toward that solution.  (Does this scare you?  It's OK.  Work through that now before it happens.)

3.  If that does happen, what do I want to do to handle it? 
If it does happen I want to respond from a place of love, not self centeredness.  Yes, I know it will be difficult for those left behind, but I want to respond with love for this child, with love for myself for doing all that I knew I could, and love for a God that cares more about my child than anyone.  I don't want to break down and lose myself.  I want to be a place of peace for my husband and children.  I will grieve, but I want to know that my testimony is firm in the knowledge of eternal families.

4.  How much control/influence do I have in this situation?
I have no control over the situation.  None.  I could do everything that I felt "right" and he can still use his agency to end his life.  (It's OK to admit that you have no control.  So much fear and anxiety can be removed when we take that burden off ourselves.)

5.  What possible positive outcomes are there?
He could feel relief from the trials of this world and go to a place where healing is possible for him, healing he couldn't find on this earth.  We could unify as a family in a way that no other situation could have unified us.  It could bring awareness to those around us of the struggles that teenagers go through in this day and age.  It could give the ward members an opportunity to give unconditional love through service, and lead them to be more aware of the youth in our ward and their needs. 

These questions could be worked for any situation, whether it be infidelity of a spouse to a life threatening illness. 

Anxiety does not need to control me.  That is a choice I make.