Attack the Anxiety

When I started high school, I remember the attacks beginning.  It wasn't until much later that I saw them for what they were, anxiety or panic attacks.  Since they were strange in the way they manifested themselves, it was hard to gain an understanding of what they were.  I vividly remember one of the first days of high school, in what must have been my junior year.  I had parked the car near the seminary building and, as I got out, I was overcome with nausea.  I had to run to a nearby bush to find a safe place to expel the contents of that upset stomach.  For the rest of the day I felt fine.  Nothing, it seemed, had brought on that upset.  I wasn't nervous about school beginning, though I may have been overwhelmed with thoughts of wanting to succeed.  I was not dealing with an illness.  It was very unclear to me what had brought it on.

It's almost embarrassing to share how these attacks continued to manifest themselves.  But, in a sense of vulnerability and honesty, I will share.  It seemed I could never go on a date without the accompanying nausea.  There were many a times I had to have my date pull over, or I'd stick my head out the car window, or find a nearby trashcan.  As a teenager this was mortifying.  It didn't seem to matter what I did to try and prevent it, or how good of friends I was with the guy who I was going out with; those nerve attacks seemed to come out of nowhere and overtake me.  This was a really tough thing for me.  I'm positive that I was not asked on second dates because of this.  That was heart wrenching. 

I'm grateful to parents that were sensitive to how much it affected me to constantly be expelling my stomach contents on these dates.  In a very close family, where joking was often a way to alleviate stressful situations, I remember my mom being very gentle.  She often reminded me to turn to the Lord; even if the trial wasn't removed, strength would be given and understanding would eventually come.   At times we did make light of it by saying I would know the man I was going to marry because I wouldn't throw up on dates with him.  (Incidentally, this turned out to be truth😂). 

Here's me, in all my Jr. Year glory. 😁

In another way I experienced what would be seen as a typical anxiety attack.  My heart would skip beats and race.  My breath would become shallow.  I would feel I had no control of my own body.  The interesting thing about these attacks is they would generally come after some big stressful event.   I would be able to make it through whatever I was dealing with, but then a few days later I would have an attack.  Strange, I know.   

Fast forward to the last few years.  For the most part, throughout my adult life I've learned to recognize my anxiety attacks for what they were and known how to calm myself, or allow them to work through my system.  All that changed when I went through the teenage years with my oldest daughter, Ada.  While there is much going on in the body that brings on anxiety, a lack of feeling control is one aspect.  While I didn't think I was trying to control her life, I was trying to control the outcome.  I was seeing all the possibilities of things that could go wrong.  I had fear; a fear of the unknown. 

There was one night, when I learned of something damaging that my daughter was choosing to do, that one of these attacks overcame me.  I tossed and turned in bed.  My heart raced.  I was overcome with nausea, but my body would not relieve itself.  I didn't sleep at all that night.  No amount of prayer seemed to make a difference.  When you are in these attacks, your body has taken over and it is extremely difficult to come out of it.  I stayed on the couch downstairs, hoping to let my husband sleep, hoping relief would come with the light of day.  In the early morning hours, I noticed my neighbor getting ready to go to to work.  He had no idea of the situation, but I needed his help.  I approached him and asked him for a priesthood blessing.  I knew that the only power that could help me was the power from God, used through man, to calm my troubled heart.  While I won't go into the details of that prayer, the results were immediate.  After the blessing, I laid down on couch and was able to finally sleep. 

I knew I needed to find a way to cope with these major attacks in the future.  I couldn't let them take over my life like this.  I knew I had to find a way to cope before the attack and not in the midst of one.  We had much ahead of us with this child, and three more up and coming teenagers to follow.  I am so grateful I chose to schedule myself a session with Ada's counselor.  In the session she helped me to understand where my thinking was flawed.  She gave me practical tools to cope and ways to talk to myself to work through these attacks.  Part of that teaching was a list of "Worry-list Questions".  The premise of these questions is that they should be done ahead of time, when your heart and mind are in a calm place. Write the answers down, have a plan of attack laid out before the anxiety can attack you. These made all the difference for me in being able to manage an attack before it came on. 

1. What is the worst that could happen?  Resolve the "what ifs".

2.  How likely is it to happen?

3.  If that does happen, what do I want to do to handle it?
I get to choose or create how I want to be  (Isn't that empowering! I get to choose my reaction, not my body!)

4.  How much control/influence do I have in this situation?

5.  What possible positive outcomes are there?

I want to give a practical example.  It will seem to be extreme, but I want it to be seen that it really can be done in any situation.  If it sounds callous and cold in some places, remember, you are doing this out of a sense of love and trust.  You love yourself and need to treat yourself with kindness, and you trust in the faith you have that God can use anything for good.  Not just for us, but for those who make poor decisions that affect themselves and those around them. 

1.What is the worst that could happen?  
My child is going to kill himself.  (We are resolving the "what ifs".  What if my child decides to take his own life? What if we have to deal with the after affects of his actions? etc)

2.  How likely is it to happen?
It's highly possible.  I feel like I know my child.  Sometimes he gets into dark places.  The depression sets in and he says he wishes he could check out of life.  So, yes, even though we love him and have provided him with every opportunity to get help, he has shown tendencies toward that solution.  (Does this scare you?  It's OK.  Work through that now before it happens.)

3.  If that does happen, what do I want to do to handle it? 
If it does happen I want to respond from a place of love, not self centeredness.  Yes, I know it will be difficult for those left behind, but I want to respond with love for this child, with love for myself for doing all that I knew I could, and love for a God that cares more about my child than anyone.  I don't want to break down and lose myself.  I want to be a place of peace for my husband and children.  I will grieve, but I want to know that my testimony is firm in the knowledge of eternal families.

4.  How much control/influence do I have in this situation?
I have no control over the situation.  None.  I could do everything that I felt "right" and he can still use his agency to end his life.  (It's OK to admit that you have no control.  So much fear and anxiety can be removed when we take that burden off ourselves.)

5.  What possible positive outcomes are there?
He could feel relief from the trials of this world and go to a place where healing is possible for him, healing he couldn't find on this earth.  We could unify as a family in a way that no other situation could have unified us.  It could bring awareness to those around us of the struggles that teenagers go through in this day and age.  It could give the ward members an opportunity to give unconditional love through service, and lead them to be more aware of the youth in our ward and their needs. 

These questions could be worked for any situation, whether it be infidelity of a spouse to a life threatening illness. 

Anxiety does not need to control me.  That is a choice I make.

Lovability

Ponder with me a moment the following questions:
What makes someone lovable?

Is it the things they say?  How much they love other people?  Is it what they do, their actions?

Now ponder the opposite:
What makes someone unloveable?

Is it because they are unkind?  Or controlling, annoying, angry all the time?  Is it because they don't like other people and let everyone know that they don't?

And a final question:
If they love me are they more lovable?

Really ponder those questions for a moment.




As I have thought recently about the subject of lovability, I have had a shift in my thinking.  Guess what:  What makes someone lovable is that you choose to love them!  That's it. It isn't about them, it's about you!  Love is a choice.  Wow!  Isn't that empowering?

Our brains are really good as seeing what we don't like.  They have to be to help us survive.  We need to know what dangers there might be; we need protection from something that would kill us or cause us hurt.  It's much harder for our brains to look for things that we like.  So it's easy for our brains to go to that place of annoyance with other people, in seeing things in them that bother us.  It's easy for us to feel negative emotions and much harder for us to see the good.  But not impossible!  In fact we are told that "Men are that they might have joy."  We would never be told that if it wasn't possible to find joy every single day.  What I'm trying to say is that none of the negative emotions we feel will ever feel as good as love feels.  You have the choice, and you can always choose love. 

I know what you are thinking.  Sure, in theory that is great, but what about in practice?  Is it possible to really love every person?  What about that person who betrayed my trust over and over again?  What about that authority figure who abused their position and violated many individuals?  Is it really possible to love them?  Are they really lovable? 

The short answer, YES!  Every person on the planet is 100% lovable!  Exactly as they are.  They don't need to change, or repent, in order for you to love them.  If I'm not loving them it is me not being able to let go of my expectations of how I think they should be. We can't say, well, I will love them more when they repent. Or when they stop using drugs.  Or when they are kind back to me.   It is up to us to drop how we feel other people should be and just feel love.  Guess what?  Not loving someone else doesn't punish them, it punishes us.  And, Loving someone else rewards us, not them.  Isn't that a crazy thought?  I will receive the reward just by loving someone. 

Loving them doesn't mean we don't protect ourselves or have consequences or condone their behavior.  Just because I love them doe not make their abuse right, does not mean the killer does not have to receive consequences for the choices they make.  Loving someone is an act within myself that brings peace to my life, understanding to my soul.  Love is the closest thing we can do to becoming like God, to having a heart of understanding like His. 

Years ago I had an experience that change me through my very core.  I was having a conversation with someone who's actions had hurt me tremendously.  Those actions had affected every aspect of my life.  I was working through the healing process, working through forgiveness at the time of this conversation.  This individual was once again sharing how their weakness had taken over, how they had failed themselves and me once again.  At that moment I was blessed with a gift.  I was able to see this individual as Christ saw them, with all their flaws and weaknesses, with all the hurt they were feeling for their own sins. And I saw how Christ was able to love this individual with a deep understanding of all of it, and because of all of it.  I was filled with that same love.  I was able to love this individual for who they were exactly as they were.   I loved them for how far they had come, for what the eternities held for them.  I say the whole picture.  I saw how all their weaknesses made them who they were. I saw how this was what taught them how to use the atonement and come to love Christ in a personal way.  And I loved them!  Despite the immense pain I had within myself, I loved them! 

There is so much more to other peoples stories than we will ever understand.  But Christ understands it all and loves them.  And He asks us to do our best to do the same.  Every person's journey to Christ is so personal.  We don't understand how Christ is using their weaknesses or struggles to help them understand Him and His atonement.  We don't understand that person's internal struggles and how far they might have come.  Yes, even the sexual predator down the street.  We don't understand their heart and their struggle to overcome.  But Christ does,  and I trust Him.  And if He tells me to love all man, I will do what I can to obey that command.

One more thought.  If every person on this planet is lovable, that has to mean one more thing: You are 100% lovable.  Exactly as you are.  It has nothing to do with other people.  It has nothing to do with how much your parents loved you while you were growing up or how they treated you.  It has everything to do with a Loving God whose child you are.  Your worth is infinite and has nothing to do with the skills or talents you acquire in this world.  You are lovable simply because you are you.  By simply making the choice to believe I'm 100% lovable, I will feel loved.  No one else can make me feel loved but me, by my choice to feel it.  Even when I ask my Heavenly Father if He loves me, it is my choice to feel it or not. 

I testify that every person you come in contact with is 100% lovable.  Even that child who rebels against your teachings and leaves the standards you instilled in them.  Even the crazy neighbor next door who keeps you up all hours of the night with their noise.  They are lovable.  You have the power within you to choose to love them.  If we approach the world with love, how much different would the world be?  If we approached each individual with the thought "What would love choose?", then we will always know the right answer on how to behave.

I have one more challenge:  When you are in a situation where you have to interact often with someone you struggle with, don't leave that relationship until you love that person.  Why?  Because the people who challenge your ability to love increase our ability to love.  It is not for them, it's for you. By no means am I'm not saying to stay in an abusing relationship until you love them.  You still need to protect yourself from harm.  Maybe a better way to say it is complete Healing of the soul only comes when love is in place. 

I love you all!

Self-care is Not Selfish

I used to believe that self-care was one of those "fads", something that new age groupies touted as the revolutionary new way to heal all our ailments.  Guess what?  I am now one of those "groupies." Not that I believe it heals everything, but I have wholeheartedly jumped on board and embraced self-care as a very important aspect of the healing process.  I used to believe that I could give everything of myself to others, that wearing out in the service of God was the key to eternal happiness.  I've come to learn that that approach is far from what the Lord means when He asks us to give of ourselves.

I want you to look at the title of this post and ask yourself:  "Is self-care not selfish?  I'm thinking about myself, doing things for myself, and focusing on me; how is that not selfish? Doesn't God teach us to forget ourselves and think of others above all else?"

Self-care is about love.  I love my family to infinity and beyond.  I love my neighbors and ward members as if they are my family.  Because I love them, I want to give them the best me that I can give.  The best gift I can give them is to be a wife and mother who takes care of herself.  Kids want and need a mom who takes care of herself.  A mom who knows how to be present; who finds joy in the small moments; who allows herself the space she needs to process negative emotions; who doesn't create drama around the mistakes she makes; who loves her body and understands her value as a woman and daughter of God.  In the end, these gifts will have so much more impact on our kids than anything else we do - any grand vacation we take them on, any amazing school they go to, etc.  These same gifts apply to all the people we associate with.  Image how much more gentle and kind our interactions would be if no one was overwhelmed with emotions because they knew how to process them, if no one was consumed with never completed to-do lists because they value being enough, if no one dwelt on playing the victim of everyone else's problems because they have learned ownership and forgiveness of self. 

Self-care is not Selfish!

It is so much more than taking a break, or having balance, or enjoying a girls night out.  I want to tell you:  You deserve to take care of yourself.  Do you want to know another thing? It's also your responsibility,  to yourself and the people around you.  Self-care leads to being better able to take care of your loved ones.  You can not give from an empty vessel.  How can that be selfish?  I self-care because I love.  I love myself enough to give myself the time I need.  And I love my family and friends enough to take care of myself, so I can better be present in their lives, so I can be more available to serve and fill others needs. 

Here's the thing:  Everyone of us has needs that must be met.  We can try to meet those needs externally, or you can learn the art of self-care and fulfill them internally.  When our needs aren't met, we often turn to some artificial way of hopefully filling those needs.  Food. Social media and all our devices. Drugs and other addictive behaviors.  Even somethings that you wouldn't think would be artificial could be covering up the deeper need that you have; things like a relationship that is abusive, or having a baby to try to find happiness within yourself, or buying a new pet because you think they will bring you the peace you lack.  The best thing we can do for ourselves is to learn how to have a healthy, compassionate relationship with ourselves first and foremost.  Tell yourself: I love myself and that is why I am doing this.  It takes courage to do this.  To love and accept yourself is the ultimate act of courage.  

I'm sure you are wondering how to go about learning self-care.  I'd like to offer a few ideas.  I first had to discover what my needs were that I felt were not being met.  I am someone who thrives on connections with others and feel very fulfilled from those interactions.  I need to serve, to feel like I'm helping make someone's live better and feel like I am helping the kingdom of God.  I need to feel accomplished, that I have done something meaningful with my day.  I need to be intellectually challenged, to study and expand my understanding of the world around me and the truths God has given.   I also need to relax, to be still, to say "no" to others when my body needs rest.  (That is one I didn't realize I had neglected for too many years.)  After discovering some of my needs, I evaluated how they were best met.  I pray and study a lot in the mornings.  I listen to podcasts from an LDS lifecoach.  I read. A lot!  I go to lunch often with friends and I speak to people in the grocery line, because I love to make connections. But the challenge came to me when I could no longer meet those needs in the way I used to.  I had to make a few changes to ways I filled those needs.  I have now learned that those needs can always be met, even when I have no energy. 

What does my self-care look like?  Most summer mornings finds me eating breakfast outside, and most evenings finds me outside again as I read my book and listen to the crickets chirp.  I've learned that I need nature-therapy to ground myself and clear my energy.  It is the way for me to Be Still, to let my body heal, and to recharge.  I take hot showers, where I end the shower by sitting on the floor as the water cascades and massages.  I have started  using "I am" statements as I use this time to meditate.  "I am enough.  I am at peace.  I am healing. I am connected to God."  And I truly believe these statements as I say them.  In this way, I find myself being more gentle with the mistakes I have made that day.  I forgive myself more readily.  I realize what I did accomplish was enough.  And I realize that healing happens slowly, and am at peace with the process.  Self-care is sometimes me saying "no" to activities I used to love, because I know it won't be the best thing in the long run for my family or the calling I'm trying to fulfill.  It helps me prioritize.  Self-care is learning what I can and can't eat, what provides the most energy for me to perform my duties.  It is learning how to be mindful of my body.  It is sending my kids back to school so I could continue to heal. 

Self-care will be personal to each of us.  I want each of you to know, You can have what you truly want in life.  Believe in yourself.  Empower yourself. Give yourself the gift of the care you need, so that you can fulfill the other roles you have in life.  Love yourself enough to give yourself what you need.

"Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves."  Brene Brown  

The Gift of Healing and the Faith to be Healed

A few weeks ago our church class had a discussion about spiritual gifts.  Two that were discussed at length were the gift of healing and the gift to be healed.  I have pondered much on these gifts since then and even discussed with others what their thoughts were, especially regarding my own health struggles.  One thought that coursed through my mind was how these gifts are different than other spiritual gifts.  These gifts rely on God's will for our lives; His timetable and His knowledge of what is best for His children.  Someone might possess the gift to heal, but it may be that the person they want to heal has reached their appointed time of death.  I may have the faith to be healed, but that healing may not be immediate or even in this lifetime.  These gifts take an immense amount of trust in God's will.  It takes trust in knowing there are times when healing doesn't happen in your way, or even in a perceived miraculous way.  It takes faith to realize that sometimes healing comes when this life is complete. That faith, in and of itself, is a spiritual gift that must be developed.

As I was discussing this with my mom, I commented that I felt I had the faith to be healed, but I was struggling to understand if that was the Lord's will for me. Of course I want to have a return of complete health, a return to complete strength to do what I once was able to do.  Discussing it with her, she indicated that she HAS seen a miracle of healing in me.  I am so much better than I was two years ago.  I look better, I eat better, I can do so much more.  In her eyes, I have healed and continue to heal.

I really appreciated the reminder of how far I have come from where I was a short time ago and that it truly has been a miracle.  At times it's hard to see the whole picture when the baby steps are so minute.  As I was recently going through pictures on my phone, reflecting on the summer we have had, I do see a miracle.  I have had so many good days, days were we have been able to play and build memories.  I am not in bed, struggling to take care of simple needs of my family.  Healing has happened.  I am not the same person I was two years ago.

So what does that mean in regards to the faith to be healed?  Spiritual gifts are interesting, beautiful things.  At baptism, we are given the first gift, the gift of the Holy Ghost.  In that blessing, the Lord also bestows on us other spiritual gifts.  We may not feel them at that time, and it may be only under certain circumstances that we are able to access them.  But every saint is given a spiritual gift.  The beautiful thing is, we are not limited to that one gift and spiritual gifts are not limited to a select few who have leadership in the church.  "Any man who will seek for the power of God can obtain it,"  George Q Cannon has taught.  In D&C 46:8 we are even invited to seek after spiritual gifts beyond that which we have initially been blessed with.  The main prerequisite of obtaining spiritual gifts is our standing before the Lord.  Harold B Lee tells us "We shall never be given more of the gifts of the Spirit until we demonstrate our ability to use those He has already given us."  There is a responsibility that comes with each gift.  We must use it as the Lord wants us to.  It is not for sign seeking, not for status, not to satisfy our own curiosity.

As I've studied and pondered this month, I also realized another thing.  Sometimes the gift to heal is a knowledge of how to heal ourselves.  And the Lord graciously granted me that gift.  I have studying much about health, I have implemented changes in my life, I have given my body time to adjust, and I have healed.  It may not be complete and it may not be perfect restoration, but it is still a work in progress.  I've also learned that with each spiritual gift we have responsibilities that correspond with them.  My responsibility is now to share what I have learned about healing.  It is my duty.  It is my way of showing the Lord how grateful I am for this gift and that it will not be wasted.

I want to share a miracle with you.  For my birthday, all I wanted from my parents was a trip to the lake and a chance to water ski.  I had that opportunity a few days ago.  As I strapped on the life jacket, pulled on the ski gloves and slipped into the ski, I admit that I my nerves were starting to get the best of me.  I've been a water skier for nearly 30 years and my comfort level in doing so usually overcomes any nervousness to be felt. My legs were shaking with the anticipation of possible struggle.  I had no idea how my muscles would respond to the strain and how I would perform if I did manage to pull myself up.  As I slide into the chilly water, my family in the boat cheered me on:  "You can do this!  Even if it's for a short time, that is success!"  I took a few deep, calming breaths and told myself: "You CAN do this!  You WILL Succeed!  Look at how far you have come."

I may not be as graceful or as daring as a once was.  But I take this video as proof of a miracle.  I have succeeded.  Success comes in telling myself I will never stop trying.  It comes in knowing I have done everything I can to facilitate the healing the Lord has granted me.  He expects us to take part.  Miracles often happen through work on our part.  I look back and see all the things I would have missed learning if I would have had immediate healing.  Would I really want to give that back?  Would you all want me to?  I feel part of that learning was to do what I am doing now, teaching and inspiring others in their own healing journey.  I hope to continue to do that.

My Daughters Story, part 2

Just the other night, my daughters was asking when I was going to continue writing her story.  I told her it was about her, so doesn't she already know it. 😆  She said she wants to hear it from my point of view.  Truth is, that was really a few of the hardest years of our lives; for my husband and I, and for our daughter.  It's really hard to want to purposely think about it.  In starting this blog, though, I knew I needed to be honest about all the things that have happened along my health journey.  Mental and emotional and spiritual health are such huge pieces of the puzzle.  I would not be painting an honest picture if I didn't include them in this journey.  Sharing is part of the healing.  So here goes:  Part 2.

As Ada was about to enter high school, some circumstances changed in our lives.  We decided to pull the younger three kids out of public school and homeschool them.  Since Ada was entering 10th grade and only had a few years left, we opted not to homeschool her.  All my research and studying up to this point was regarding teaching younger grades, not high school.  I felt it was already going to be a difficult adjustment and I didn't want to get in over my head.

A few days before school started, Ada came to us and asked if she could homeschool as well.  We discussed why she desired this and what that would mean.  She has a lot of anxiety, both social anxiety and performance anxiety.  She gets overwhelmed with so many people in the same environment, such as the high school setting.  She is also a perfectionist who doesn't do well with failure.  This is a struggle she has had since she was young.  In many instances she would not try anything new because she was afraid she wouldn't be good at it right away.  Failure was filled with anxiety.  She did not see it as a growth opportunity, something that could help her to learn and progress.  For these reason, she was hoping to homeschool.

I told her we needed to take it to the Lord, that we both needed to pray about it and decide what was best.  What we decided to do was dual enrollment, part of the day at public school doing classes such as math, seminary, and choir, and part of the day at home doing her other classes at her own pace online.  She would not be graduating with a degree or walking at graduation with her graduating class, because I would be writing up her transcripts.  She informed us that she was okay with this arrangement and that the Lord had told her this would be the best option for her at this time.

The questions still remain:  were we giving in to her anxiety, feeding it and allowing it to control her life?  Were we neglecting to teach her how to cope with it, because situations will always arise in her future life where she will have to confront the anxiety head on?  We live in a world with other people; we have to learn how to cope and survive.  I still don't know the answer to those questions.  I trusted the Lord that we were doing the right thing and we moved forward with it.  It's possible that all along, we all needed this homeschool experience together, to strengthen our family bonds to have that extra measure of spirituality I was able to provide in a home situation that they didn't get at school.  We had much that we were faced with in the next few years; we needed that strong family bond that this opportunity brought to us. 

It was during the next few years that Ada's struggles became overwhelming, to both her and to us.  The behaviors she chose, her ways to cope with life, started to take control of her life. Without her realizing it, it controlled how she interacted with every person, it controlled her moods, it took away her peace.  Those who struggle with addictive coping struggles don't understand how much their actions effect others.  They bully.  They are mean.  They push family and friends away without realizing it.  Their guilt causes them to isolate themselves more and more.  And they turn to these behaviors to cope with the way they behave, to have the release that brings them temporary fulfillment.  Then the cycle continues.  These struggles change personalities.  Living a life contrary to her value system caused her more depression and more anxiety. 

The sad thing is, it's really hard to be around people who are angry and mean all the time.  It is like you are allowing someone to beat you up each and every day.  Because, emotionally, that's what they are doing.  I understand addiction.  I understand the person who deals with it.  I have studied it quite a bit.  I have seen loved ones struggle, and triumph.  Because of that, all I knew to do was to continue to love her, even when she was mean.  No matter what choices she made, even if we knew they were contrary to what would bring her ultimate happiness, we chose to love her.  What good would it do any of us if we pushed her away?  She already had a low self esteem.  She already felt unlovable and not good enough.  She needed to know that, as her parents, that love would never leave.  Ever.

Ada's little sister, Mae, got the brunt of a lot of her anger through these years.  And yet, Mae still loved her.  She had this amazing, resilient love, a gift that I'm sure was given to her.  She tried so hard to always show her love to Ada, even when Ada would push her away.  Yet, she stilled tried.  I don't think Ada ever realized how much her siblings loved her through this.  Even at young ages, they knew she was hurting, that she needed an extra measure of love.  They would give it any way they could, and never ask for it in return.  They prayed for her, they served her, they tried to include her.  I know her littlest brother, Ry, was one of the only ones who could make a difference sometime.  With his gentle love, and his affectionate personality, he was the only one that could reach through her tough exterior with the simple act of giving her a hug.  Truly, families are gifts from God, and each family member has unique gifts for helping each other through lives biggest trials.

That isn't to say it was always easy for the younger kids, though.  Kids need boundaries, but each kid is unique.  What works for one of my kids didn't necessarily work for Ada.  We had very unique circumstances with her, mental illness issues that influences the way we raised her.  The younger kids would often ask why she didn't have to do certain things that they did have to do.  It wasn't fair, in their eyes.  In truth, it probably wasn't.  There are times that we were just tired of the fight, tired of having to pick our battles, battles that we fought every single day.  But, as parents, we also had a unique understanding of what would be best for Ada.  So the boundaries were unique to her.  Did we mess up at times?  Absolutely!  But I will never deny that we did our best. 

It's hard to know how much to share, and how to break this up into part 3.  A lot of what happened during her high school years were the foundation for what happened her senior year, the most difficult year of all. As she reads this, some things might be difficult to read. I hope I share enough, especially for her to know, that she was loved.  Even with how difficult things were, there was so much spiritual growth, so many spiritual miracles that happened, that I would never want to give those back.  With each measure of difficulty we addressed an extra measure of love from God was given. 

I will just touch on a few more things. 

Her friendships:  I mentioned that because of her anxiety, because of her coping behaviors, she would pull into herself and hide out in her room.  That was her "safe" place.  But, because of that, she didn't reach out to build friendships.  She will contradict me and say that she did, but that they rejected her.  And to some extent they did.  Teenager's mental abilities are very immature.  They don't look at the whole picture of someone's life and circumstances and judge from there on how to behave.  They push people away, they don't give their friends the love that they need; in a word, they are self-serving most of the time.  It's just the truth about this age of growth.  We noticed that the type of friends Ada made at this time were, how do I say this, a bit broken.  They all had situations in their lives, choices that they made, that made them unhappy a lot of the time.  Ada was drawn to them.  I believe there are a few reasons for this.  I think it made her feel good to realize there were people like her that felt broken, but also that she wasn't quite as broken as them.  I also think she felt she could help rescue them, the way she would have wanted to be rescued. 

And lastly, I want to touch on things that I think I could have done better during this time, and things that I felt I did well:  I feel like we could have done better her whole life in teaching her that she could succeed at doing hard things.  In our desire to teach and correct behavior, I believe she felt she could never do anything right.  So by the time she was in high school, by the time we tried extra hard to build her self esteem, it fell on deaf ears.  She wouldn't believe us.  We tried to give honest praise, filled with love, but she rejected it.  I wish I would have been more excited for the things that she loved in her life, even if they were very different from things that I loved.  I wish I would have given more hugs every day, given her gentle caressing touches, even when the porcupine attitude came out. 

But what did I do right?  Maybe she will have to help me with this.  I would have to say that what I did right was to rely on the Lord.  I prayed, oh so much, for her.  I studied ways to understand her and love her in the way she needed.  I went to the temple WEEKLY, because it was there that peace would come and I would be filled with the love of an Eternal Father who understands what it's like to have children with struggles.  And I gave myself permission to honor her agency, while still setting boundaries in our home. 

I know these posts are long, and that a lot was unsaid of these few years of her life.  I felt this is what needed to be written, though. I hope, by sharing my story, that it reaches the heart of even one person who needed to hear it.

The Can-Can List

I'm a doer.

My friend once told me that I get more done on my "down" days than most people get done on their good days.  I come from farmer ancestors with a work-hard mentality: you get up and get your work done, no matter how you feel; others are in your care and the work must be done.  For me to go from doing, doing, doing to having days where I couldn't get out of bed for long, was extremely hard for me.  I've had to learn, though, the importance of self-care and finding a balance between 'doing' and 'resting' and how both are important. Even the Savior took time to go by Himself, to pray and connect with the Father in a personal way, and to take care of rejuvenating Himself.  Why do we think we are stronger than Him, that we don't need to moments of peace, solitude, and stillness?

Still, there have been days where I struggle with the fact that I can't do as much as I once did.  Emotions are complicated things.  One minute you feel peace with what life has dealt you, the next you are filled with sadness for the things you miss.  It was in one of these sad moments for me that I listened to General Conference, I believe it was April of 2017.  A story was told of a lady with a debilitating illness.  Though confined to a wheelchair, she strives to be grateful for things and adds to her "Can Can List":  a list of things she CAN do.  For me this was an answer and a testimony that, despite the things I can no longer do, there is much I CAN still do.  Mindset can change everything. 

Immediately after that talk, I started my own Can Can list.  For the first while I wrote two things every day.  "I can take hot showers.  I can kiss my husband.  I can read.  I can get myself dressed.   I can text friends. I can pray for others.  I can be a friend."  And the list continued.  Much like counting our blessings can help us get through our trials, focusing on the things I was able to do really helped to draw me out of sadness each day.  While I'm not consistent now, there are times where I draw myself back to add to this list.  When I forget how blessed I am, how far I've come from two years ago, it's always good for me to refocus and remember how good the Lord has been. 

This past week, I started to feel the weight of sorrow coming on me again.  Satan is very good at feeding on our weaknesses and making us feel not enough.  One thing I've always hoped is to be able to serve in the Young Women's organization when one of my daughters was in there.  Well, one daughter is now past that and the other is there now.  But why would I ever get called there now, I ask?  How would I ever have the strength and stamina that these young, active girls need from their leaders?  I see how much those leaders do and I get saddened to think I could never be that for the youth if I got called.  I feel the bishop would never call me because he would see my health as a hindrance for what the young women would need.  Yes, I realize this is a lack of faith and if the Lord wanted me there, He would provide a way.  And, just to be clear, I am Not seeking for a calling!  It's not about status or position.  It's about where my heart longs to be and where my body gets in the way.  It's more of a sorrow for not being able to do as much as I would like, in any calling.  I honesty feel the weight of this for any calling that would come my way.  Maybe this makes no sense, I don't know.  There's always the answers "no service is too small" and "all calling are important and needed."  I know that.  What's hard is to feel "enough" when my spirit wants to give more and can't.  "The spirit is willing, but the flesh it weak" takes on a different meaning for me.  I feel I have so much to give and just can't do what I desire.

And as I write I feel guilty because I know there are so many out there who can do so much less than me.  They have debilitating illnesses that keep them in bed and they can't even go to church.  And so I feel guilty for having my emotions, for having weaknesses.  Yes, emotions are complicated things.  It's as if you can't feel your emotions without feeling guilty for having those emotions. 

As I prayed one morning this week, seeking forgiveness for giving in to my weakness of desiring more and forgetting my blessings, I was impressed to remember I was not the only one to have felt this desire to serve in a greater capacity.  After completing my prayer, I opened the Book of Mormon to Alma chapter 29 verse 1:  "O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of my heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!"  He goes on to say that he is a man and does sin in his desire, that he should be content with the things the Lord has given him; because God will grant unto man the things they desire... and that might be destructive to them.  Seeing this, why should I desire more?  Why can't I trust in God that I am exactly where I should be and that I CAN still serve in the way He needs me to?  To desire more might actually be destructive to me.  Only the Lord knows, truly knows, what my body and spirit can handle.  If only I could learn to trust Him completely in all things.

And so, today, I add to my Can Can list.

Today, I can share my story.  And that is enough for now. 

Homebody?

For those who know me now, it might come as a surprise to know that I was once a shy, insecure child.  I didn't know how to initiate conversation.  I was intimidated by others, feeling they were so much better than me and feeling like they would just see me as stupid and strange.  In Jr High I was looked at as a snob, someone who did really well in school but didn't talk to those sitting next to me in class.

This has been one of my biggest struggles.  I remember crying to my mom, in about 5th grade that I wanted friends and didn't know how to do it.  I had siblings that were very outgoing, who made friends easily and always seemed to be going out and having fun.  Even my mom could talk to just about anyone, in any situation.  I dreamed of being different.  At that time, when I cried to my mom, I remember vividly her guidance to pray to the Lord; He wants to help us with any struggles we have.  She testified that God would help me.  So I prayed.  I prayed for help to make friends, to have true friends who saw me for me and still liked me.  I don't think I ever wanted popularity, but I just didn't want to be lonely. 

It took time, and many years of praying.  In high school I gained an amazing group of girl friends and had a lot of fun times.  At that time, I don't think I realized that my prayers had been answered, because high school is the time of dating, the time of boys.  And I didn't date.  A new weakness had shown up, that I didn't know how to have friendships with boys without them thinking I had a crush on them, even if I didn't.  So they would avoid me, I felt.  My prayers changed during those years, that I might be able to date. 

It took years of prayers, small changes here and there, and going away to college for me to start
emerging into who I am today.  I now feel very confident in any situation.  I talk to people in line at the grocery story.  I can go to a function on my own and feel comfortable finding another person to talk to.  I have close friends that I cherish.  I feel my prayers have been answered 10 fold.  I've learned that I'm an extrovert who draws strength and energy from my associations with others.  In my adult years I have become a very social person.  I love to show up at my friends doorsteps for a surprise visit.  I enjoy going out to lunch and spending a few hours in friend therapy.  I love talking on the phone to my sister and mom.  I enjoy travel and doing fun outdoor activities with my kids and husband. 

Now, because of my health, all that has changed.  I'm becoming a homebody and I'm having a hard time being okay with that.  It's hard to have the energy, to engage like I used to.  My head often hurts, and I can't think clearly.  Shopping is so draining that I avoid it as much as I can.  (Hurray for the blessing of Amazon!)  And this is difficult for me.  I understand there is beauty in simplicity of life.  But what do you do when the thing that gives you life, gives you satisfaction and feeds your soul, is no longer available to you in the way it used to be?  I've become a homebody and most days I'm not okay with it.  I miss who I once was, who I worked and prayed so hard to become.  I miss being able to get excited about traveling, about going on an outing.  Instead I worry about how I will feel and if I will ruin the day for my family because of my lack of energy, or how I will feel the day after.  I have to plan on days of rest and calm after a big outing.  I guess you could say the grieving process is cycling through right now.  I feel I have to keep rediscovering who I am.  Today, who am I?