The Can-Can List

I'm a doer.

My friend once told me that I get more done on my "down" days than most people get done on their good days.  I come from farmer ancestors with a work-hard mentality: you get up and get your work done, no matter how you feel; others are in your care and the work must be done.  For me to go from doing, doing, doing to having days where I couldn't get out of bed for long, was extremely hard for me.  I've had to learn, though, the importance of self-care and finding a balance between 'doing' and 'resting' and how both are important. Even the Savior took time to go by Himself, to pray and connect with the Father in a personal way, and to take care of rejuvenating Himself.  Why do we think we are stronger than Him, that we don't need to moments of peace, solitude, and stillness?

Still, there have been days where I struggle with the fact that I can't do as much as I once did.  Emotions are complicated things.  One minute you feel peace with what life has dealt you, the next you are filled with sadness for the things you miss.  It was in one of these sad moments for me that I listened to General Conference, I believe it was April of 2017.  A story was told of a lady with a debilitating illness.  Though confined to a wheelchair, she strives to be grateful for things and adds to her "Can Can List":  a list of things she CAN do.  For me this was an answer and a testimony that, despite the things I can no longer do, there is much I CAN still do.  Mindset can change everything. 

Immediately after that talk, I started my own Can Can list.  For the first while I wrote two things every day.  "I can take hot showers.  I can kiss my husband.  I can read.  I can get myself dressed.   I can text friends. I can pray for others.  I can be a friend."  And the list continued.  Much like counting our blessings can help us get through our trials, focusing on the things I was able to do really helped to draw me out of sadness each day.  While I'm not consistent now, there are times where I draw myself back to add to this list.  When I forget how blessed I am, how far I've come from two years ago, it's always good for me to refocus and remember how good the Lord has been. 

This past week, I started to feel the weight of sorrow coming on me again.  Satan is very good at feeding on our weaknesses and making us feel not enough.  One thing I've always hoped is to be able to serve in the Young Women's organization when one of my daughters was in there.  Well, one daughter is now past that and the other is there now.  But why would I ever get called there now, I ask?  How would I ever have the strength and stamina that these young, active girls need from their leaders?  I see how much those leaders do and I get saddened to think I could never be that for the youth if I got called.  I feel the bishop would never call me because he would see my health as a hindrance for what the young women would need.  Yes, I realize this is a lack of faith and if the Lord wanted me there, He would provide a way.  And, just to be clear, I am Not seeking for a calling!  It's not about status or position.  It's about where my heart longs to be and where my body gets in the way.  It's more of a sorrow for not being able to do as much as I would like, in any calling.  I honesty feel the weight of this for any calling that would come my way.  Maybe this makes no sense, I don't know.  There's always the answers "no service is too small" and "all calling are important and needed."  I know that.  What's hard is to feel "enough" when my spirit wants to give more and can't.  "The spirit is willing, but the flesh it weak" takes on a different meaning for me.  I feel I have so much to give and just can't do what I desire.

And as I write I feel guilty because I know there are so many out there who can do so much less than me.  They have debilitating illnesses that keep them in bed and they can't even go to church.  And so I feel guilty for having my emotions, for having weaknesses.  Yes, emotions are complicated things.  It's as if you can't feel your emotions without feeling guilty for having those emotions. 

As I prayed one morning this week, seeking forgiveness for giving in to my weakness of desiring more and forgetting my blessings, I was impressed to remember I was not the only one to have felt this desire to serve in a greater capacity.  After completing my prayer, I opened the Book of Mormon to Alma chapter 29 verse 1:  "O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of my heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!"  He goes on to say that he is a man and does sin in his desire, that he should be content with the things the Lord has given him; because God will grant unto man the things they desire... and that might be destructive to them.  Seeing this, why should I desire more?  Why can't I trust in God that I am exactly where I should be and that I CAN still serve in the way He needs me to?  To desire more might actually be destructive to me.  Only the Lord knows, truly knows, what my body and spirit can handle.  If only I could learn to trust Him completely in all things.

And so, today, I add to my Can Can list.

Today, I can share my story.  And that is enough for now.