Homebody?

For those who know me now, it might come as a surprise to know that I was once a shy, insecure child.  I didn't know how to initiate conversation.  I was intimidated by others, feeling they were so much better than me and feeling like they would just see me as stupid and strange.  In Jr High I was looked at as a snob, someone who did really well in school but didn't talk to those sitting next to me in class.

This has been one of my biggest struggles.  I remember crying to my mom, in about 5th grade that I wanted friends and didn't know how to do it.  I had siblings that were very outgoing, who made friends easily and always seemed to be going out and having fun.  Even my mom could talk to just about anyone, in any situation.  I dreamed of being different.  At that time, when I cried to my mom, I remember vividly her guidance to pray to the Lord; He wants to help us with any struggles we have.  She testified that God would help me.  So I prayed.  I prayed for help to make friends, to have true friends who saw me for me and still liked me.  I don't think I ever wanted popularity, but I just didn't want to be lonely. 

It took time, and many years of praying.  In high school I gained an amazing group of girl friends and had a lot of fun times.  At that time, I don't think I realized that my prayers had been answered, because high school is the time of dating, the time of boys.  And I didn't date.  A new weakness had shown up, that I didn't know how to have friendships with boys without them thinking I had a crush on them, even if I didn't.  So they would avoid me, I felt.  My prayers changed during those years, that I might be able to date. 

It took years of prayers, small changes here and there, and going away to college for me to start
emerging into who I am today.  I now feel very confident in any situation.  I talk to people in line at the grocery story.  I can go to a function on my own and feel comfortable finding another person to talk to.  I have close friends that I cherish.  I feel my prayers have been answered 10 fold.  I've learned that I'm an extrovert who draws strength and energy from my associations with others.  In my adult years I have become a very social person.  I love to show up at my friends doorsteps for a surprise visit.  I enjoy going out to lunch and spending a few hours in friend therapy.  I love talking on the phone to my sister and mom.  I enjoy travel and doing fun outdoor activities with my kids and husband. 

Now, because of my health, all that has changed.  I'm becoming a homebody and I'm having a hard time being okay with that.  It's hard to have the energy, to engage like I used to.  My head often hurts, and I can't think clearly.  Shopping is so draining that I avoid it as much as I can.  (Hurray for the blessing of Amazon!)  And this is difficult for me.  I understand there is beauty in simplicity of life.  But what do you do when the thing that gives you life, gives you satisfaction and feeds your soul, is no longer available to you in the way it used to be?  I've become a homebody and most days I'm not okay with it.  I miss who I once was, who I worked and prayed so hard to become.  I miss being able to get excited about traveling, about going on an outing.  Instead I worry about how I will feel and if I will ruin the day for my family because of my lack of energy, or how I will feel the day after.  I have to plan on days of rest and calm after a big outing.  I guess you could say the grieving process is cycling through right now.  I feel I have to keep rediscovering who I am.  Today, who am I?