Guest Post - Grief

This weeks post is a little different.  My oldest daughter also has a blog where she shares her thoughts.  With her permission, I share her post this week.  It's a beautifully written post about her understanding of grief, something that I know can help many people.

Grief

When I was little I only associated the word grief with death. I knew people grieved when a loved one died, and that’s about as far as my understanding of the concept went. On May 13, 2017, I most both the best and worst decision of my life; I bought a puppy. When I held this tiny puppy and knew that she was mine, it was like every broken part of myself fell into place. I had something to take care of that needed me, and depended on me for life. She was so tiny, yet I could almost physically feel her healing the broken pieces of my soul. The love I felt for her when I held her close and kissed her soft, tiny head, was incomparable to anything I’d ever felt in my life.

Unfortunately, I had bought her without the permission of my parents, knowing full well that they had explicitly forbade me. Yet somehow I thought I could make it work. I thought I had found a loophole, a way to have a puppy and not inconvenience my parents. Instead of inconveniencing my parents, however, I inconvenienced several people who helped me out. My friend and her family had agreed to let the puppy sleep at their house at night time until I found more permanent arrangements. The arrangements I had been hoping for were that she live almost exclusively at my then boyfriend’s house, until that didn’t work out. My parents had at that time told me that the puppy was not allowed in their house, because I had deliberately disobeyed them, so my loophole of only having the puppy at my house during the day went under as well. I should have known better.

I was in the middle of this mess of my own creation when my parents approached me with a deal. If I sold the puppy, to a better home and family that could love and care for it, they would buy me another dog down the road when I would be more financially stable. You see, I was moving three hours away to college that August, and had already registered my bird as an emotional support animal. There was absolutely zero chance I would be able to take the puppy with me to college. I should’ve known better.

Well, I took their suggestion and fell to my knees, asking God with all the sincerity I could muster if this was the right choice to make. After I got my answer, I numbly created an ad on KSL for my beloved, and asked my parents if the puppy could stay at our house until I was able to sell her. They agreed, mostly (or completely) out of pity.

On May 29, 2017, my dad drove me to meet the family-to-be of my darling puppy. After the meeting was over, I watched as they drove away with the only thing I’d truly ever loved at this point in my life. I didn’t even have the emotional strength to feel heartbroken at the time, only numb. It wasn’t until later that I broke down and held my bunny in my arms, only to sell him the next day to a loving family, as I knew it would be unfair to ask my family to care for him while I went away to college. A week later, I broke up with my first boyfriend.

It was at this point in my life that my knowledge of grief was challenged. Why was I feeling such a tremendous burden on my soul? My puppy and bunny had not died, just simply gone to live with other families. Why did I feel like my entire world was coming down around me and suffocating me? I would almost have rather died than live the rest of my life like that.

A few months later I was in a relationship with a guy almost 8 years older than me. I knew we weren’t going to last, but he was a rebound and I didn’t want to be single. I moved away to go to college, leaving behind the only life I’d ever really known. It may have only been three hours away, but it may as well have been on the other side of the country for as far removed as I felt. Again, my view of grief was challenged. I felt so empty and alone, sitting in a room that for all intents and purposes, belonged to me now. My pet bird sat on my dresser like she always had, and yet nothing felt the same. None of my old friends contacted me, so I contacted them, only to receive no response.

I began to be bullied by my then boyfriend’s “friends,” one of whom was a girl who had an immense crush on him. They would message me over Facebook, nasty messages with foul language and threats. I told my boyfriend, who was pretty nonchalant about it. When he accused me of messaging this one particular girl when he had told me to block her and ignore her, I tried to defend myself and he would question me constantly, never believing me. I was in tears on my bed because the one person who was supposed to be on my side in that situation was instead accusing me and threatening to block my number. I found out that the girl’s friend had stolen my profile picture and cover picture and made them her own, and had even changed her name to mine. I assume the girl and her friend had conspired to message each other and make it look like I was sending nasty messages to her, and then sent the screenshots to my boyfriend. He believed them, and not me.

I eventually got the courage to break up with him, only to get back with him a couple days later. When he began flirting with one of my friends on Facebook and I called him out on it, he “defended himself” by calling her fat and ugly. I broke it off for good that time, and blocked him so I wouldn’t even be tempted. But ever since then, the sound of the Facebook Messenger app still chill my blood and makes me feel nauseous.

Again, I grieved. I still was convinced that I had done something wrong to cause my ex-boyfriend to mistrust me. I was still convinced that I was in the wrong in that situation, because he made me believe that I was under suspicion and had to prove myself. I grieved the loss of my surety in myself, I grieved the loss of a relationship that I hadn’t even expected to last in the first place. I was 100% better off without him, and yet I still grieved.

It was shortly after that I started hanging out with the man who I eventually married. When we got married and moved in together, I realized that I would no longer be moving up north for the summer, nor would I be visiting home as often as I had been. Then, a harsh thought struck me. Up north was no longer my home. As happy as I was being newly married, and as much as I love my husband, I grieved yet again for the loss of my place in my family. I no longer knew where I fit in with them, and the first family party I attended with my husband left me feeling so left out. My cousins treated me differently, and I desperately wished to talk to them the way I used to be able to. I left that party feeling depressed and lonely, and most of all, out of place. The wonderfulness of being married will always outweigh the grief I feel at being separated from my family, but it does not lessen the grief when I visit my family and cannot even sleep in the same house as them.

Now, living down here at college, I thought that things were going well. My husband I had both had good jobs, could easily pay rent and bills and take care of our birds, and attend school to get our degrees. And I loved my job! I worked as a CNA, taking care of residents whom I grew to love. That all came crashing down when I lost my job, due to negligence on my part. After coming out of the meeting with my now ex-boss, I got into the car and sobbed into my husband’s arms. I cried all the way home, and my hands felt heavy as I texted my mom and told her I no longer had a job. I cried into my husband’s arms and said “I’ll never get to see my residents ever again...” as I felt the weight of all of my mistakes come crashing down on me. I felt like my grief would overtake me. Nevertheless, I picked myself up and attended my next class, and had to act as if nothing had happened, as if I hadn’t just had a piece of myself ripped out. My mom commended me on not lashing out in anger, but I was too sad to be angry. I had just been fired from the only job I actually ever liked, and the sadness was overwhelming.

I have come to realize throughout these past two years that grief is not about death. Grief is about loss. Loss of a pet, loss of two pets, loss of two relationships, loss of comfort, loss of friends, loss of confidence, loss of dependence, loss of familiarity, loss of a job. When I sold my puppy and felt all those mended broken pieces shatter all over again, I thought that my grief would heal with time. It’s been almost two years, and I can say that I know the grief will never truly go away. Whenever I look at one of the few pictures I have of her, my heart aches inside my chest. As I sit home alone when I would have been at work, I think of my residents and how I’ll never see them again, and the coworkers I’ll never work with again, and I weep. I grieve, because grief is loss. And while I don’t have much hope I’ll ever be rid of this grief, I can only hope that it’ll make me stronger. Someday.

Social Media

A few weeks ago, in the women's session of General Conference, President Nelson gave 4 challenges to the women of the Church, the first being a 10 day fast from social media and other media that brings negative thoughts or wounds the spirit.  I knew immediately that I would accept the Prophets invitation, but over the course of that 10 days I have pondered much on why that would be the first challenge given.

My social media use has waxed and waned over the years, even going through a time when I had deleted my facebook account.  I recently reactivated by account so as to receive information from my daughters team, all the while vowing I wouldn't spend my time mindlessly scrolling through other pages.  Needless to say, my weakness took over much of the time.  I'd sit down to rest and thoughtlessly open my social media apps and begin wasting time.  How timely this invitation was for me.  As I closed my accounts one last time that Saturday night, I promised the Lord I would give this challenge my whole heart and discover the reasons why I personally needed it.

The prophets second challenge was to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, marking every instance where Christ is mentioned.  I believe that is one reason why the 10 day fast was mentioned first.  The prophet knew that we would need to take away the distractions in our lives, to give our full attention to this invitation, to fully immerse ourselves in being able to feel the Spirit to its fullest.  Over the course of conference weekend it was testified to me over and over again that I needed to rely on the Lord's views, not on man's views.  What better way to learn the Lord's views than by reading His words?  While there are things about social media that are uplifting, even ways of staying informed about the world, I believe the Lord is telling us we need to take a huge step back and learn to rely on Him in everything, first and foremost.  Man's opinions and insights are so limited compared to His.  If He wants us to know something, He will guide us to where we need to go to find that information.

I believe another reason for this challenge was to help us disengage from the shallow and work on the depth of ministering.  I used to think that social media would help me do better at ministering.  I could learn about people and what is going on in their lives, I could connect with them by making comments or "liking" their posts, I could reach a broader audience.  But I realized something.  The Lord's work moved forward, even before the invention of Facebook.  And it was through the guidance of the Spirit that that was able to happen.  Using Facebook, I learned, was an easy out.  I could post an uplifting thought and feel good that I had done my duty.  Where I know this does have it's place, I feel I was missing an important component.  I was forgetting the prayer and the purpose behind it.  Was I praying first to know who needed to feel loved that day?  Was I connecting with individuals on a more personal level?  Instead of a post on Facebook, would a personal text or email be more meaningful, or better yet a visit on their doorstep?  Was I thinking more about the person to be loved, or the item on the checklist needing to be checked off?

When I got back on 10 days later I realized I didn't miss it. As I sat there scrolling I was dissatisfied and so unfulfilled with the time I spent "catching up."  I thought I needed this tool to stay connected with people I loved or people a long distance away.  I thought I needed it to help move my book forward, as the publishers encouraged me to do, by created an author page.  But the truth is, all I need is the Spirit.  He will guide me to those who need me.  If my book is to move forward, the Lord will help me know how to do that in the right way for me.

One thing more than anything that I learned from this conference is that the work is moving forward so quickly, and we don't have time to waste on frivolous things. This thought was not overwhelming to me but instead filled me with excitement.  I want to be a part of it!  I want to be about the Lord's work!  And I believe now is the time to decide if we are going to be on board.  All I know is that I don't want to be held accountable if I have chosen to neglect His work in the pursuit of these frivolous things, when I could have been doing so much more to help my children or others gain a personal relationship with the Savior.

P.S.  I get the irony of my posting this blog link on Social Media. 😜  It is what it is.

I Am Enough

One man wryly wrote: "I would love to run a marathon. I think it would be a great accomplishment. But that's not enough. Oh, I could take my body to the starting line and command it sternly: 'All right body!  Here we go. Twenty-six miles, three hundred eighty-five yards. Do it!'" He chuckle ruefully. "My body would roll on the ground, howling with laughter, and say, 'Who are you talking to, sir?'"

I get a bit of a chuckle when I read this. I picture my body doing the same thing, laughing at me for even thinking that I could run a marathon. After picking my son up from school one day last week, we passed the cross country team practicing. He commented that it seemed like every girl his age liked to run. I, too, have felt those same sentiments. It seems like all the women around my age go running each morning, or have run in numerous marathons. For a long time, I felt there was something wrong with me. Was I missing something?  Was there some inborn desire given to women that said marathons are a right of passage into the next life, and I was deficient in the gene? I had no desire to run and even less of a desire to train for a 26 mile marathon. It was just not on my bucket list.  That didn't mean I didn't go through feelings of inadequacy, though.  Shouldn't I want to achieve something so glorious as training for a marathon? 

This past Saturday I awoke early to participate in a 5K. But not to run. Our local Junior High fine arts program was doing a fundraiser and I had volunteered as photographer. As I milled around the runners prepping to run, I was not in the least bit envious. I was not feeling any feelings of not being good enough either. I am not a runner. I have come to accept that and know it is okay. I am enough just the way I am, having succeeded in so many other areas in life. I was there as a photographer, one who has taken classes, one who has practiced and practiced over the years, one who has purchased the good equipment for task I was to perform.  I have put time and energy and learning into my skill, just like a runner has purchased the right equipment and practiced hours to prepare for running marathons and 5k's.  We are both enough. 

My junior photographer in training

My short message to everyone this week is You Are Enough!  You don't have to be like everyone else.  You have to be like you.  And that is perfect, and enough. 

Attack the Anxiety

When I started high school, I remember the attacks beginning.  It wasn't until much later that I saw them for what they were, anxiety or panic attacks.  Since they were strange in the way they manifested themselves, it was hard to gain an understanding of what they were.  I vividly remember one of the first days of high school, in what must have been my junior year.  I had parked the car near the seminary building and, as I got out, I was overcome with nausea.  I had to run to a nearby bush to find a safe place to expel the contents of that upset stomach.  For the rest of the day I felt fine.  Nothing, it seemed, had brought on that upset.  I wasn't nervous about school beginning, though I may have been overwhelmed with thoughts of wanting to succeed.  I was not dealing with an illness.  It was very unclear to me what had brought it on.

It's almost embarrassing to share how these attacks continued to manifest themselves.  But, in a sense of vulnerability and honesty, I will share.  It seemed I could never go on a date without the accompanying nausea.  There were many a times I had to have my date pull over, or I'd stick my head out the car window, or find a nearby trashcan.  As a teenager this was mortifying.  It didn't seem to matter what I did to try and prevent it, or how good of friends I was with the guy who I was going out with; those nerve attacks seemed to come out of nowhere and overtake me.  This was a really tough thing for me.  I'm positive that I was not asked on second dates because of this.  That was heart wrenching. 

I'm grateful to parents that were sensitive to how much it affected me to constantly be expelling my stomach contents on these dates.  In a very close family, where joking was often a way to alleviate stressful situations, I remember my mom being very gentle.  She often reminded me to turn to the Lord; even if the trial wasn't removed, strength would be given and understanding would eventually come.   At times we did make light of it by saying I would know the man I was going to marry because I wouldn't throw up on dates with him.  (Incidentally, this turned out to be truth😂). 

Here's me, in all my Jr. Year glory. 😁

In another way I experienced what would be seen as a typical anxiety attack.  My heart would skip beats and race.  My breath would become shallow.  I would feel I had no control of my own body.  The interesting thing about these attacks is they would generally come after some big stressful event.   I would be able to make it through whatever I was dealing with, but then a few days later I would have an attack.  Strange, I know.   

Fast forward to the last few years.  For the most part, throughout my adult life I've learned to recognize my anxiety attacks for what they were and known how to calm myself, or allow them to work through my system.  All that changed when I went through the teenage years with my oldest daughter, Ada.  While there is much going on in the body that brings on anxiety, a lack of feeling control is one aspect.  While I didn't think I was trying to control her life, I was trying to control the outcome.  I was seeing all the possibilities of things that could go wrong.  I had fear; a fear of the unknown. 

There was one night, when I learned of something damaging that my daughter was choosing to do, that one of these attacks overcame me.  I tossed and turned in bed.  My heart raced.  I was overcome with nausea, but my body would not relieve itself.  I didn't sleep at all that night.  No amount of prayer seemed to make a difference.  When you are in these attacks, your body has taken over and it is extremely difficult to come out of it.  I stayed on the couch downstairs, hoping to let my husband sleep, hoping relief would come with the light of day.  In the early morning hours, I noticed my neighbor getting ready to go to to work.  He had no idea of the situation, but I needed his help.  I approached him and asked him for a priesthood blessing.  I knew that the only power that could help me was the power from God, used through man, to calm my troubled heart.  While I won't go into the details of that prayer, the results were immediate.  After the blessing, I laid down on couch and was able to finally sleep. 

I knew I needed to find a way to cope with these major attacks in the future.  I couldn't let them take over my life like this.  I knew I had to find a way to cope before the attack and not in the midst of one.  We had much ahead of us with this child, and three more up and coming teenagers to follow.  I am so grateful I chose to schedule myself a session with Ada's counselor.  In the session she helped me to understand where my thinking was flawed.  She gave me practical tools to cope and ways to talk to myself to work through these attacks.  Part of that teaching was a list of "Worry-list Questions".  The premise of these questions is that they should be done ahead of time, when your heart and mind are in a calm place. Write the answers down, have a plan of attack laid out before the anxiety can attack you. These made all the difference for me in being able to manage an attack before it came on. 

1. What is the worst that could happen?  Resolve the "what ifs".

2.  How likely is it to happen?

3.  If that does happen, what do I want to do to handle it?
I get to choose or create how I want to be  (Isn't that empowering! I get to choose my reaction, not my body!)

4.  How much control/influence do I have in this situation?

5.  What possible positive outcomes are there?

I want to give a practical example.  It will seem to be extreme, but I want it to be seen that it really can be done in any situation.  If it sounds callous and cold in some places, remember, you are doing this out of a sense of love and trust.  You love yourself and need to treat yourself with kindness, and you trust in the faith you have that God can use anything for good.  Not just for us, but for those who make poor decisions that affect themselves and those around them. 

1.What is the worst that could happen?  
My child is going to kill himself.  (We are resolving the "what ifs".  What if my child decides to take his own life? What if we have to deal with the after affects of his actions? etc)

2.  How likely is it to happen?
It's highly possible.  I feel like I know my child.  Sometimes he gets into dark places.  The depression sets in and he says he wishes he could check out of life.  So, yes, even though we love him and have provided him with every opportunity to get help, he has shown tendencies toward that solution.  (Does this scare you?  It's OK.  Work through that now before it happens.)

3.  If that does happen, what do I want to do to handle it? 
If it does happen I want to respond from a place of love, not self centeredness.  Yes, I know it will be difficult for those left behind, but I want to respond with love for this child, with love for myself for doing all that I knew I could, and love for a God that cares more about my child than anyone.  I don't want to break down and lose myself.  I want to be a place of peace for my husband and children.  I will grieve, but I want to know that my testimony is firm in the knowledge of eternal families.

4.  How much control/influence do I have in this situation?
I have no control over the situation.  None.  I could do everything that I felt "right" and he can still use his agency to end his life.  (It's OK to admit that you have no control.  So much fear and anxiety can be removed when we take that burden off ourselves.)

5.  What possible positive outcomes are there?
He could feel relief from the trials of this world and go to a place where healing is possible for him, healing he couldn't find on this earth.  We could unify as a family in a way that no other situation could have unified us.  It could bring awareness to those around us of the struggles that teenagers go through in this day and age.  It could give the ward members an opportunity to give unconditional love through service, and lead them to be more aware of the youth in our ward and their needs. 

These questions could be worked for any situation, whether it be infidelity of a spouse to a life threatening illness. 

Anxiety does not need to control me.  That is a choice I make.

Lovability

Ponder with me a moment the following questions:
What makes someone lovable?

Is it the things they say?  How much they love other people?  Is it what they do, their actions?

Now ponder the opposite:
What makes someone unloveable?

Is it because they are unkind?  Or controlling, annoying, angry all the time?  Is it because they don't like other people and let everyone know that they don't?

And a final question:
If they love me are they more lovable?

Really ponder those questions for a moment.




As I have thought recently about the subject of lovability, I have had a shift in my thinking.  Guess what:  What makes someone lovable is that you choose to love them!  That's it. It isn't about them, it's about you!  Love is a choice.  Wow!  Isn't that empowering?

Our brains are really good as seeing what we don't like.  They have to be to help us survive.  We need to know what dangers there might be; we need protection from something that would kill us or cause us hurt.  It's much harder for our brains to look for things that we like.  So it's easy for our brains to go to that place of annoyance with other people, in seeing things in them that bother us.  It's easy for us to feel negative emotions and much harder for us to see the good.  But not impossible!  In fact we are told that "Men are that they might have joy."  We would never be told that if it wasn't possible to find joy every single day.  What I'm trying to say is that none of the negative emotions we feel will ever feel as good as love feels.  You have the choice, and you can always choose love. 

I know what you are thinking.  Sure, in theory that is great, but what about in practice?  Is it possible to really love every person?  What about that person who betrayed my trust over and over again?  What about that authority figure who abused their position and violated many individuals?  Is it really possible to love them?  Are they really lovable? 

The short answer, YES!  Every person on the planet is 100% lovable!  Exactly as they are.  They don't need to change, or repent, in order for you to love them.  If I'm not loving them it is me not being able to let go of my expectations of how I think they should be. We can't say, well, I will love them more when they repent. Or when they stop using drugs.  Or when they are kind back to me.   It is up to us to drop how we feel other people should be and just feel love.  Guess what?  Not loving someone else doesn't punish them, it punishes us.  And, Loving someone else rewards us, not them.  Isn't that a crazy thought?  I will receive the reward just by loving someone. 

Loving them doesn't mean we don't protect ourselves or have consequences or condone their behavior.  Just because I love them doe not make their abuse right, does not mean the killer does not have to receive consequences for the choices they make.  Loving someone is an act within myself that brings peace to my life, understanding to my soul.  Love is the closest thing we can do to becoming like God, to having a heart of understanding like His. 

Years ago I had an experience that change me through my very core.  I was having a conversation with someone who's actions had hurt me tremendously.  Those actions had affected every aspect of my life.  I was working through the healing process, working through forgiveness at the time of this conversation.  This individual was once again sharing how their weakness had taken over, how they had failed themselves and me once again.  At that moment I was blessed with a gift.  I was able to see this individual as Christ saw them, with all their flaws and weaknesses, with all the hurt they were feeling for their own sins. And I saw how Christ was able to love this individual with a deep understanding of all of it, and because of all of it.  I was filled with that same love.  I was able to love this individual for who they were exactly as they were.   I loved them for how far they had come, for what the eternities held for them.  I say the whole picture.  I saw how all their weaknesses made them who they were. I saw how this was what taught them how to use the atonement and come to love Christ in a personal way.  And I loved them!  Despite the immense pain I had within myself, I loved them! 

There is so much more to other peoples stories than we will ever understand.  But Christ understands it all and loves them.  And He asks us to do our best to do the same.  Every person's journey to Christ is so personal.  We don't understand how Christ is using their weaknesses or struggles to help them understand Him and His atonement.  We don't understand that person's internal struggles and how far they might have come.  Yes, even the sexual predator down the street.  We don't understand their heart and their struggle to overcome.  But Christ does,  and I trust Him.  And if He tells me to love all man, I will do what I can to obey that command.

One more thought.  If every person on this planet is lovable, that has to mean one more thing: You are 100% lovable.  Exactly as you are.  It has nothing to do with other people.  It has nothing to do with how much your parents loved you while you were growing up or how they treated you.  It has everything to do with a Loving God whose child you are.  Your worth is infinite and has nothing to do with the skills or talents you acquire in this world.  You are lovable simply because you are you.  By simply making the choice to believe I'm 100% lovable, I will feel loved.  No one else can make me feel loved but me, by my choice to feel it.  Even when I ask my Heavenly Father if He loves me, it is my choice to feel it or not. 

I testify that every person you come in contact with is 100% lovable.  Even that child who rebels against your teachings and leaves the standards you instilled in them.  Even the crazy neighbor next door who keeps you up all hours of the night with their noise.  They are lovable.  You have the power within you to choose to love them.  If we approach the world with love, how much different would the world be?  If we approached each individual with the thought "What would love choose?", then we will always know the right answer on how to behave.

I have one more challenge:  When you are in a situation where you have to interact often with someone you struggle with, don't leave that relationship until you love that person.  Why?  Because the people who challenge your ability to love increase our ability to love.  It is not for them, it's for you. By no means am I'm not saying to stay in an abusing relationship until you love them.  You still need to protect yourself from harm.  Maybe a better way to say it is complete Healing of the soul only comes when love is in place. 

I love you all!

Self-care is Not Selfish

I used to believe that self-care was one of those "fads", something that new age groupies touted as the revolutionary new way to heal all our ailments.  Guess what?  I am now one of those "groupies." Not that I believe it heals everything, but I have wholeheartedly jumped on board and embraced self-care as a very important aspect of the healing process.  I used to believe that I could give everything of myself to others, that wearing out in the service of God was the key to eternal happiness.  I've come to learn that that approach is far from what the Lord means when He asks us to give of ourselves.

I want you to look at the title of this post and ask yourself:  "Is self-care not selfish?  I'm thinking about myself, doing things for myself, and focusing on me; how is that not selfish? Doesn't God teach us to forget ourselves and think of others above all else?"

Self-care is about love.  I love my family to infinity and beyond.  I love my neighbors and ward members as if they are my family.  Because I love them, I want to give them the best me that I can give.  The best gift I can give them is to be a wife and mother who takes care of herself.  Kids want and need a mom who takes care of herself.  A mom who knows how to be present; who finds joy in the small moments; who allows herself the space she needs to process negative emotions; who doesn't create drama around the mistakes she makes; who loves her body and understands her value as a woman and daughter of God.  In the end, these gifts will have so much more impact on our kids than anything else we do - any grand vacation we take them on, any amazing school they go to, etc.  These same gifts apply to all the people we associate with.  Image how much more gentle and kind our interactions would be if no one was overwhelmed with emotions because they knew how to process them, if no one was consumed with never completed to-do lists because they value being enough, if no one dwelt on playing the victim of everyone else's problems because they have learned ownership and forgiveness of self. 

Self-care is not Selfish!

It is so much more than taking a break, or having balance, or enjoying a girls night out.  I want to tell you:  You deserve to take care of yourself.  Do you want to know another thing? It's also your responsibility,  to yourself and the people around you.  Self-care leads to being better able to take care of your loved ones.  You can not give from an empty vessel.  How can that be selfish?  I self-care because I love.  I love myself enough to give myself the time I need.  And I love my family and friends enough to take care of myself, so I can better be present in their lives, so I can be more available to serve and fill others needs. 

Here's the thing:  Everyone of us has needs that must be met.  We can try to meet those needs externally, or you can learn the art of self-care and fulfill them internally.  When our needs aren't met, we often turn to some artificial way of hopefully filling those needs.  Food. Social media and all our devices. Drugs and other addictive behaviors.  Even somethings that you wouldn't think would be artificial could be covering up the deeper need that you have; things like a relationship that is abusive, or having a baby to try to find happiness within yourself, or buying a new pet because you think they will bring you the peace you lack.  The best thing we can do for ourselves is to learn how to have a healthy, compassionate relationship with ourselves first and foremost.  Tell yourself: I love myself and that is why I am doing this.  It takes courage to do this.  To love and accept yourself is the ultimate act of courage.  

I'm sure you are wondering how to go about learning self-care.  I'd like to offer a few ideas.  I first had to discover what my needs were that I felt were not being met.  I am someone who thrives on connections with others and feel very fulfilled from those interactions.  I need to serve, to feel like I'm helping make someone's live better and feel like I am helping the kingdom of God.  I need to feel accomplished, that I have done something meaningful with my day.  I need to be intellectually challenged, to study and expand my understanding of the world around me and the truths God has given.   I also need to relax, to be still, to say "no" to others when my body needs rest.  (That is one I didn't realize I had neglected for too many years.)  After discovering some of my needs, I evaluated how they were best met.  I pray and study a lot in the mornings.  I listen to podcasts from an LDS lifecoach.  I read. A lot!  I go to lunch often with friends and I speak to people in the grocery line, because I love to make connections. But the challenge came to me when I could no longer meet those needs in the way I used to.  I had to make a few changes to ways I filled those needs.  I have now learned that those needs can always be met, even when I have no energy. 

What does my self-care look like?  Most summer mornings finds me eating breakfast outside, and most evenings finds me outside again as I read my book and listen to the crickets chirp.  I've learned that I need nature-therapy to ground myself and clear my energy.  It is the way for me to Be Still, to let my body heal, and to recharge.  I take hot showers, where I end the shower by sitting on the floor as the water cascades and massages.  I have started  using "I am" statements as I use this time to meditate.  "I am enough.  I am at peace.  I am healing. I am connected to God."  And I truly believe these statements as I say them.  In this way, I find myself being more gentle with the mistakes I have made that day.  I forgive myself more readily.  I realize what I did accomplish was enough.  And I realize that healing happens slowly, and am at peace with the process.  Self-care is sometimes me saying "no" to activities I used to love, because I know it won't be the best thing in the long run for my family or the calling I'm trying to fulfill.  It helps me prioritize.  Self-care is learning what I can and can't eat, what provides the most energy for me to perform my duties.  It is learning how to be mindful of my body.  It is sending my kids back to school so I could continue to heal. 

Self-care will be personal to each of us.  I want each of you to know, You can have what you truly want in life.  Believe in yourself.  Empower yourself. Give yourself the gift of the care you need, so that you can fulfill the other roles you have in life.  Love yourself enough to give yourself what you need.

"Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves."  Brene Brown  

The Gift of Healing and the Faith to be Healed

A few weeks ago our church class had a discussion about spiritual gifts.  Two that were discussed at length were the gift of healing and the gift to be healed.  I have pondered much on these gifts since then and even discussed with others what their thoughts were, especially regarding my own health struggles.  One thought that coursed through my mind was how these gifts are different than other spiritual gifts.  These gifts rely on God's will for our lives; His timetable and His knowledge of what is best for His children.  Someone might possess the gift to heal, but it may be that the person they want to heal has reached their appointed time of death.  I may have the faith to be healed, but that healing may not be immediate or even in this lifetime.  These gifts take an immense amount of trust in God's will.  It takes trust in knowing there are times when healing doesn't happen in your way, or even in a perceived miraculous way.  It takes faith to realize that sometimes healing comes when this life is complete. That faith, in and of itself, is a spiritual gift that must be developed.

As I was discussing this with my mom, I commented that I felt I had the faith to be healed, but I was struggling to understand if that was the Lord's will for me. Of course I want to have a return of complete health, a return to complete strength to do what I once was able to do.  Discussing it with her, she indicated that she HAS seen a miracle of healing in me.  I am so much better than I was two years ago.  I look better, I eat better, I can do so much more.  In her eyes, I have healed and continue to heal.

I really appreciated the reminder of how far I have come from where I was a short time ago and that it truly has been a miracle.  At times it's hard to see the whole picture when the baby steps are so minute.  As I was recently going through pictures on my phone, reflecting on the summer we have had, I do see a miracle.  I have had so many good days, days were we have been able to play and build memories.  I am not in bed, struggling to take care of simple needs of my family.  Healing has happened.  I am not the same person I was two years ago.

So what does that mean in regards to the faith to be healed?  Spiritual gifts are interesting, beautiful things.  At baptism, we are given the first gift, the gift of the Holy Ghost.  In that blessing, the Lord also bestows on us other spiritual gifts.  We may not feel them at that time, and it may be only under certain circumstances that we are able to access them.  But every saint is given a spiritual gift.  The beautiful thing is, we are not limited to that one gift and spiritual gifts are not limited to a select few who have leadership in the church.  "Any man who will seek for the power of God can obtain it,"  George Q Cannon has taught.  In D&C 46:8 we are even invited to seek after spiritual gifts beyond that which we have initially been blessed with.  The main prerequisite of obtaining spiritual gifts is our standing before the Lord.  Harold B Lee tells us "We shall never be given more of the gifts of the Spirit until we demonstrate our ability to use those He has already given us."  There is a responsibility that comes with each gift.  We must use it as the Lord wants us to.  It is not for sign seeking, not for status, not to satisfy our own curiosity.

As I've studied and pondered this month, I also realized another thing.  Sometimes the gift to heal is a knowledge of how to heal ourselves.  And the Lord graciously granted me that gift.  I have studying much about health, I have implemented changes in my life, I have given my body time to adjust, and I have healed.  It may not be complete and it may not be perfect restoration, but it is still a work in progress.  I've also learned that with each spiritual gift we have responsibilities that correspond with them.  My responsibility is now to share what I have learned about healing.  It is my duty.  It is my way of showing the Lord how grateful I am for this gift and that it will not be wasted.

I want to share a miracle with you.  For my birthday, all I wanted from my parents was a trip to the lake and a chance to water ski.  I had that opportunity a few days ago.  As I strapped on the life jacket, pulled on the ski gloves and slipped into the ski, I admit that I my nerves were starting to get the best of me.  I've been a water skier for nearly 30 years and my comfort level in doing so usually overcomes any nervousness to be felt. My legs were shaking with the anticipation of possible struggle.  I had no idea how my muscles would respond to the strain and how I would perform if I did manage to pull myself up.  As I slide into the chilly water, my family in the boat cheered me on:  "You can do this!  Even if it's for a short time, that is success!"  I took a few deep, calming breaths and told myself: "You CAN do this!  You WILL Succeed!  Look at how far you have come."

I may not be as graceful or as daring as a once was.  But I take this video as proof of a miracle.  I have succeeded.  Success comes in telling myself I will never stop trying.  It comes in knowing I have done everything I can to facilitate the healing the Lord has granted me.  He expects us to take part.  Miracles often happen through work on our part.  I look back and see all the things I would have missed learning if I would have had immediate healing.  Would I really want to give that back?  Would you all want me to?  I feel part of that learning was to do what I am doing now, teaching and inspiring others in their own healing journey.  I hope to continue to do that.