The Webster 1828 Dictionary defines journey as: "Passage from one place to another".
When I started this blog a few years ago, I titled it Marissa's Journey. But over time, I have realized it has become so much more than than. I am not just passing through from one destination to the next. It is so much more than. It is more than just the ups and downs of my health problems and life struggles. I am passing from being one person to becoming a complete, more pure, more Christ-centered being. It is More than a Journey.
A few weeks ago I was visiting with a friend and talking to her about a text I had received. In this text, I was asked about my health journey, and I proceeded to respond with some things I had learned. The friend I was visiting with said: "Have you ever thought that this might be your path, to now teach people what you have learned?" In truth, I had thought briefly about it, but not much.
Not more than a few days later I was at my sisters house and was talking with her and her mother-in-law about my health. Near the end of the conversation, my sister asked if I ever thought about writing a book and sharing what I have learned. I may have had fuzziness in my brain from my health issues but, with these two separate occurrences, I decided the Lord was trying to tell me something. I have enough clarity to know when I should listen up and when I should take my questions to the Lord. And that I did.
This will be the beginning of a new chapter for this blog. And you are invited to join me. As I prayed to know the Lord's will, He poured forth ideas into my mind of how He wants me to proceed. I am not ready to write a book... yet. For now, in this format, I invite you into my life. (You are welcome to read previous posts to get a feel for where I have been on my journey.) As we move forward, I welcome and encourage comments. This is my journey - but one that is intertwined with the journeys of others. I will be the first to admit that I am still learning, and I want to learn with you. The Journey continues, with guests in tow. 😊
I will try to be posting weekly, on Tuesday's or Wednesday's. You are welcome to Share this site with others who you feel might benefit.
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
Monday, March 19, 2018
Rise
It has been almost two years since this journey has begun... At least according to this blog. Like most journey's though, the first step begins long before we realize we are on the journey. In truth, my path went down hill a few years previous to the first post.
I was living my life in a way I thought I should. I was giving all I could to my family (I had started homeschooling). I was giving all that I thought I should to my calling (as a counselor in the Relief Society Presidency). I was claiming to being able to find a balance in my life. And, truthfully, I was on a spiritual high. I had some incredible experiences during that time.
But there was something I was neglecting. Part of this life is to learn stewardship. We are given the care of things, such as our homes, our yards, our families, and our bodies, so that we might prove ourselves worthy to God. Worthy to go back to His presence at the judgement day and say, yes, I took care of all you entrusted to me. Worthy to someday be a God ourselves. There is much more to this stewardship, more than I can include in this post. But it is here that my path began to slide.
I was not a good steward of my body and my soul as a complete whole. I kept telling myself that I was wearing myself out in the service of my God, that what I was doing was worthwhile, and that I would be blessed for my sacrifice. And for a time I was. I was sustained through some pretty severe illnesses that lasted for months. I was sustained to fulfill my calling. Until the day I was released. The very next morning, after that mantle was taken from me, I could not get out of bed. The Lord was telling me, "It is now time to take care of you." I had no choice. It was time.
But I still fought it. I didn't want to admit that anything was wrong with me. I'd grown up with the belief that I could work my way through anything, that I could still work through illnesses and be fine. While that serves me well to a point, giving me the positivity and strength I need, I wasn't listening to the long term effects of my actions.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have had much testing. I have exhausted my resources in the medical community. While this has brought peace of mind, it has also left me with little hope at times. Would I ever feel whole again? Would I ever be able to serve in the way I longed to serve? Would I be able to give to my children and husband the kind of mother they deserved? Let's be honest, my actions were affecting them tremendously.
I hit a low point a month or so ago. I was depressed. I was grieving; grieving the life I had hoped to have; grieving the life I once had and wanted back again. I was doing everything in my power to make the changes necessary to take care of my body and I was still not gaining my energy back. (This, itself, has been a journey of seeking answers and finding help outside the medical field. A journey of clean eating and natural healing. A post for another day. 😊) And then a day came when the Spirit whispered to me: "Accept this trial."
What did that mean? It meant that I had to turn my life over to God and accept what He was trying to do with it. Accept who He wanted me to become, and the journey He needed me to take to get there.
And so I accepted.
And my life has been different from that day forward.
I am different. I approach things different. I take care of myself and I give myself permission to be a true steward over the health I have and want, over the body I have been entrusted with. I accept this trial and I accept the person that Lord needs me to become.
As I was starting to walk the track today at our local rec. center, the first song that came on was a song titled "Rise" from Katy Perry. Now, most would say, how could a Katy Perry song make you emotional? But it did. This song has been a theme, an anthem if you will, for me these past few years. I will not give up. I will not give in to the voices in my head that say you can't get through this, just accept your fate. I will keep trying. I will transform. And I will rise. Again, and again, and again. As long as the Lord needs me to. And that is why I was emotional. For me to even be there, with energy to be out of bed and walking, is a miracle. With each step I took, I was proving that I would rise above this. And that is reason to rejoice.
"Rise"
I was living my life in a way I thought I should. I was giving all I could to my family (I had started homeschooling). I was giving all that I thought I should to my calling (as a counselor in the Relief Society Presidency). I was claiming to being able to find a balance in my life. And, truthfully, I was on a spiritual high. I had some incredible experiences during that time.
But there was something I was neglecting. Part of this life is to learn stewardship. We are given the care of things, such as our homes, our yards, our families, and our bodies, so that we might prove ourselves worthy to God. Worthy to go back to His presence at the judgement day and say, yes, I took care of all you entrusted to me. Worthy to someday be a God ourselves. There is much more to this stewardship, more than I can include in this post. But it is here that my path began to slide.
I was not a good steward of my body and my soul as a complete whole. I kept telling myself that I was wearing myself out in the service of my God, that what I was doing was worthwhile, and that I would be blessed for my sacrifice. And for a time I was. I was sustained through some pretty severe illnesses that lasted for months. I was sustained to fulfill my calling. Until the day I was released. The very next morning, after that mantle was taken from me, I could not get out of bed. The Lord was telling me, "It is now time to take care of you." I had no choice. It was time.
But I still fought it. I didn't want to admit that anything was wrong with me. I'd grown up with the belief that I could work my way through anything, that I could still work through illnesses and be fine. While that serves me well to a point, giving me the positivity and strength I need, I wasn't listening to the long term effects of my actions.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have had much testing. I have exhausted my resources in the medical community. While this has brought peace of mind, it has also left me with little hope at times. Would I ever feel whole again? Would I ever be able to serve in the way I longed to serve? Would I be able to give to my children and husband the kind of mother they deserved? Let's be honest, my actions were affecting them tremendously.
I hit a low point a month or so ago. I was depressed. I was grieving; grieving the life I had hoped to have; grieving the life I once had and wanted back again. I was doing everything in my power to make the changes necessary to take care of my body and I was still not gaining my energy back. (This, itself, has been a journey of seeking answers and finding help outside the medical field. A journey of clean eating and natural healing. A post for another day. 😊) And then a day came when the Spirit whispered to me: "Accept this trial."
What did that mean? It meant that I had to turn my life over to God and accept what He was trying to do with it. Accept who He wanted me to become, and the journey He needed me to take to get there.
And so I accepted.
And my life has been different from that day forward.
I am different. I approach things different. I take care of myself and I give myself permission to be a true steward over the health I have and want, over the body I have been entrusted with. I accept this trial and I accept the person that Lord needs me to become.
As I was starting to walk the track today at our local rec. center, the first song that came on was a song titled "Rise" from Katy Perry. Now, most would say, how could a Katy Perry song make you emotional? But it did. This song has been a theme, an anthem if you will, for me these past few years. I will not give up. I will not give in to the voices in my head that say you can't get through this, just accept your fate. I will keep trying. I will transform. And I will rise. Again, and again, and again. As long as the Lord needs me to. And that is why I was emotional. For me to even be there, with energy to be out of bed and walking, is a miracle. With each step I took, I was proving that I would rise above this. And that is reason to rejoice.
"Rise"
I won't just survive
Oh, you will see me thrive
Can't write my story
I'm beyond the archetype
I won't just conform
No matter how you shake my core
'Cause my roots—they run deep, oh
Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I will not negotiate
I'll fight it, I'll fight it
I will transform
When, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise
This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise
I must stay conscious
Through the madness and chaos
So I call on my angels
They say
Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in your veins
You know it, you know it
And you will not negotiate
Just fight it, just fight it
And be transformed
'Cause when, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise
This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You know it, you know it
Still rise
Just fight it, just fight it
Don't be surprised
I will still rise
Oh, you will see me thrive
Can't write my story
I'm beyond the archetype
I won't just conform
No matter how you shake my core
'Cause my roots—they run deep, oh
Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I will not negotiate
I'll fight it, I'll fight it
I will transform
When, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise
This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise
I must stay conscious
Through the madness and chaos
So I call on my angels
They say
Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in your veins
You know it, you know it
And you will not negotiate
Just fight it, just fight it
And be transformed
'Cause when, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise
This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You know it, you know it
Still rise
Just fight it, just fight it
Don't be surprised
I will still rise
Saturday, December 30, 2017
What If's
If you knew, that in the near future, your life would dramatically change, what would you do differently today? Would you start saying No to some of the things you always used to say Yes to, or Say Yes to some things you've always wanted to do? Would your day to day activities stay the same? For most people, changes in their life happen so gradually they don't know it's happening. Health starts to decline and small changes take place. A child starts to push the boundaries and months down the road full rebellion is in force. You and your partner start to drift apart, disagreeing more often, until you come to a breaking point that you never realized was coming.
But for some, tragedy happens suddenly. You visit the doctor only to learn of a disease you didn't know you had. Life changes. You receive the call you never want to receive, that your spouse has died. Life changes. You child announces a secret to you that you never saw coming. Life. Changes. No matter how it happens, gradually or suddenly, we all will be faced with some major event that will cause us to reflect and ask, "What now...?"
So what about the "what ifs?" What would you do today, knowing something was going to change soon?
As I was growing up, it seemed rare that you would hear of a tragedy in your inner circle of acquaintances. Some one's mom got Cancer, but that was it for their family for a very long time. Some one's child broke the law. Again, that was their big life trial. But now.... The world has changed. No one is immune from extremely difficult things, things that test their faith to the limits, things that are leading us to God or breaking us.
My parents have 6 children. The past few months have looked like this for us: One sister has had a cancer scare and has had a hysterectomy because of it. (Blessedly, no cancer found). One sister's husband found a tumor on his face and went through a delicate surgery to have it removed, again with concerns of cancer. (Again, no cancer found). One brother is struggling to keep his family afloat as he works countless house through the night on projects that are due. One sister found out in the middle of her pregnancy that the unborn baby has heart problems and would need surgery to repair the heart a few months after she was born. Not two weeks after delivering this angel, the baby caught a cold and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks, with the possibility of her heart failing sooner. My other sister lives out of state and is filled with sorrow that she can't be here to help her siblings in so much need. And that is just my side of the family. We can't forget to mention my husbands mother passing away this summer, a brother-in-law fighting bone cancer, etc.
And me. Where am I?
It has been a year and a half since I last posted. And my struggles are still here. I discovered in the spring that I have celiac disease. Finally an answer where none could be found before. My body was exhibiting signs of malnourishment, hence the extreme fatigue and muscle weakness. As I changed my lifestyle and my body began to heal, I had great hope of my life gaining back much of what I had been losing. I even was able to start exercising some, and not having to take naps every day. Hope returning. But then, 4 months into my recovery, by body crashed again. Many of the symptoms have returned and new ones have surfaced. I am back to the same unknown, back to tests and more test, and results that are coming back as "normal". I am currently awaiting more tests from a lumbar puncture done 2 weeks ago. And so, I wait. And I wonder. And I ponder, "What will I do differently now, if my life is about to change dramatically?"
But for some, tragedy happens suddenly. You visit the doctor only to learn of a disease you didn't know you had. Life changes. You receive the call you never want to receive, that your spouse has died. Life changes. You child announces a secret to you that you never saw coming. Life. Changes. No matter how it happens, gradually or suddenly, we all will be faced with some major event that will cause us to reflect and ask, "What now...?"
So what about the "what ifs?" What would you do today, knowing something was going to change soon?
As I was growing up, it seemed rare that you would hear of a tragedy in your inner circle of acquaintances. Some one's mom got Cancer, but that was it for their family for a very long time. Some one's child broke the law. Again, that was their big life trial. But now.... The world has changed. No one is immune from extremely difficult things, things that test their faith to the limits, things that are leading us to God or breaking us.
My parents have 6 children. The past few months have looked like this for us: One sister has had a cancer scare and has had a hysterectomy because of it. (Blessedly, no cancer found). One sister's husband found a tumor on his face and went through a delicate surgery to have it removed, again with concerns of cancer. (Again, no cancer found). One brother is struggling to keep his family afloat as he works countless house through the night on projects that are due. One sister found out in the middle of her pregnancy that the unborn baby has heart problems and would need surgery to repair the heart a few months after she was born. Not two weeks after delivering this angel, the baby caught a cold and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks, with the possibility of her heart failing sooner. My other sister lives out of state and is filled with sorrow that she can't be here to help her siblings in so much need. And that is just my side of the family. We can't forget to mention my husbands mother passing away this summer, a brother-in-law fighting bone cancer, etc.
And me. Where am I?
It has been a year and a half since I last posted. And my struggles are still here. I discovered in the spring that I have celiac disease. Finally an answer where none could be found before. My body was exhibiting signs of malnourishment, hence the extreme fatigue and muscle weakness. As I changed my lifestyle and my body began to heal, I had great hope of my life gaining back much of what I had been losing. I even was able to start exercising some, and not having to take naps every day. Hope returning. But then, 4 months into my recovery, by body crashed again. Many of the symptoms have returned and new ones have surfaced. I am back to the same unknown, back to tests and more test, and results that are coming back as "normal". I am currently awaiting more tests from a lumbar puncture done 2 weeks ago. And so, I wait. And I wonder. And I ponder, "What will I do differently now, if my life is about to change dramatically?"
Friday, July 22, 2016
Normal?
I have waited 3 months to get in to see the pulminologist. I often wonder, had I been able to get in right away when my lungs were giving me the most trouble, if the diagnosis would have been different. As of now, my lungs sound normal. Really? They don't feel normal. They burn when I take deep breaths, they struggle when I try to exercise.
I have told my friend that on my deathbed the doctors will still not be able to find out what is wrong with me. My headstone will read: All the tests came back normal.
In fairness to the Pulminologist, she is trying to be very thorough. She didn't just look me over and send me on my way. More tests have been ordered (yippee?), one such test being an ultrasound on my heart. Could it be my heart that is causing all this anguish? At this point I expect it to come back normal like everything else.
What they don't understand it this is not normal FOR ME. The tests may say that, but it is not my normal. I understand that doctors are human, that they don't have all the answers. I am just not sure where else to go. And so I continue forth, with a prayer in my heart that soon I will understand this journey I have been asked to travel.
I have told my friend that on my deathbed the doctors will still not be able to find out what is wrong with me. My headstone will read: All the tests came back normal.
In fairness to the Pulminologist, she is trying to be very thorough. She didn't just look me over and send me on my way. More tests have been ordered (yippee?), one such test being an ultrasound on my heart. Could it be my heart that is causing all this anguish? At this point I expect it to come back normal like everything else.
What they don't understand it this is not normal FOR ME. The tests may say that, but it is not my normal. I understand that doctors are human, that they don't have all the answers. I am just not sure where else to go. And so I continue forth, with a prayer in my heart that soon I will understand this journey I have been asked to travel.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Nevertheless, I went forth....
It has been a while since my appointment with my family doctor. He listened to my concerns, but gave no answers. He ordered a full panel of blood tests to see if that showed anything. He also ordered an EKG and the wearing of a heart monitor for 24 hours to see if they could discover why I was getting heart palpitations. The Answers: Nothing. Everything is in the normal range. According to the tests thus far there is no indication of anything being wrong with me.
At this I could choose to be frustrated. But I realized something. I have been praying for answers and these are answers. They are answers for things that I do not have. I don't have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I don't have heart disease. I don't have cancer showing up. My thyroid is working as it should with the medicine I take. So where do I go from here?
Today I am getting pulminary function tests done to see how my lungs are working. And on Wednesday, after a 3 month wait, I finally get to see the pulminologist. So I go forth, not knowing where this next step will lead, but trusting that eventually I will get answers somewhere.
At this I could choose to be frustrated. But I realized something. I have been praying for answers and these are answers. They are answers for things that I do not have. I don't have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I don't have heart disease. I don't have cancer showing up. My thyroid is working as it should with the medicine I take. So where do I go from here?
Today I am getting pulminary function tests done to see how my lungs are working. And on Wednesday, after a 3 month wait, I finally get to see the pulminologist. So I go forth, not knowing where this next step will lead, but trusting that eventually I will get answers somewhere.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
The Day
Today is the day. My appointment with the doctor is this morning. What will it bring, I wonder? Will I find the answers I need? At this point, I am ready for whatever it is I must deal with. I just need answers so I can move forward.
As I studied and pondered the words of the Lord this morning, I am armed with hope. A great truth of eternity is that God Loves me. He loves ME, with all His heart, might, mind, and strength. And because He loves me so completely, He will not leave me to do this alone.
"No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character [to do so]... He will [always] stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them. " ~George Q. Cannon
I am grateful that the Lord loves me so completely that He wants me to be pure enough to see Him again some day. And because of that love I will Keep loving, I will keep trying, I will keep trusting, I will keep believing, and I will keep growing. Heaven is cheering me on; how can I let them down? (inspiration taken from Elder Jeffery R. Holland)
As I studied and pondered the words of the Lord this morning, I am armed with hope. A great truth of eternity is that God Loves me. He loves ME, with all His heart, might, mind, and strength. And because He loves me so completely, He will not leave me to do this alone.
"No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character [to do so]... He will [always] stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them. " ~George Q. Cannon
I am grateful that the Lord loves me so completely that He wants me to be pure enough to see Him again some day. And because of that love I will Keep loving, I will keep trying, I will keep trusting, I will keep believing, and I will keep growing. Heaven is cheering me on; how can I let them down? (inspiration taken from Elder Jeffery R. Holland)
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Angel's Landing
Angel's Landing Hike! Wow!
Knowing that my health might limit me in the future, I wanted one thing to be a representative of the journey before me. As a family, I wanted to tackle something difficult and come off triumphant. This amazing, difficult, scary hike is what I chose.
Zion National Park is an incredibly beautiful park, nestled in the canyons of southwestern Utah. I spent many vacations in my youth hiking through this beautiful vista. Angel's landing in one such hike that my parents took us on. This is a 5 Mile round trip hike with many switchbacks, steep ascents, and sheer drop offs. But it is an incredible view once you reach the top, the place where angels land.
As I hiked I couldn't help but see the whole experience as a metaphor for the life I was experiencing.
What started off as a gentle walk along the riverside, quickly became a steady climb. Life is like that.... it's not meant to be easy and calm, it's meant to challenge us. This steady climb turns to tiring switchbacks, back and forth and you ascend to a greater height. Many breaks were needed to catch our breath. We could see the goal in mind, we just needed reprieve as we worked our way there at the best pace we could give. Just like this journey of mine... I can only give so much. I need to rest when I feel the need, regain peace and reprieve to tackle the next leg of the journey.
After these difficult switchbacks comes this amazingly calm canyon. It is about 10 degrees cooler and is a gentle climb once again. I feel that the Lord blesses our lives with periods of calm just like this one. He knows what we can handle and how hard to push us before we have this time of rest. My children wanted to stop and play here, wanting to end the hike. While it's okay to spend some time in this calm, it's not where we should stop. We have greater things ahead. We have received the rest we needed for the truly difficult task ahead. Walter's Wiggles. (yes, that is really what they call the next leg of the hike. :-) )
If we thought the switchbacks earlier were hard, these are something else. We could only go one or two switchbacks before having to rest and catch our breath. There was another group in the same boat as us and we were there to encourage each other along the way. I know that in my health journey I will also have the same experience; others will be on this path with me. We can give strength and help where needed. It was because of this, seeing that someone else was strong when I was weak, and visa versa, that I was able to continue this ascent.
When this difficult part is complete, you reach Scout's lookout, a place of rest. For some, this is the journey's end. It is a beautiful sight, with vista's on either side looking over the canyon. There is plenty of area to rest, to eat lunch, and to look back on the journey it took to get here. It is here that the question must be asked: "Am I going to stop? Is this good enough for me?" This was not the end I had in mind when I started this journey. While there would be no shame in finishing now, and some of my children wanted to, I knew there were greater things ahead. We must persevere.
The final ascent it a tedious, slow one. You are literally scaling rocks, sometimes on your hands and knees, with only a chain to hold to. Many places are one way paths where you have to take turns with those coming back down. As a youth I was not scared at all. Now, if I allowed it, I was filled with fear. I knew my strength and skill level had changed and I was afraid I might fail. This is what I learned from this leg of the hike:
Other's have gone before and are there to encourage and help. Their praise of our 8 year old is what kept him going through his tears. As we passed an especially difficult part, strangers hands reached out to assist. Those strangers became saviors in a time of need. Hands reached down to lift up, others were behind to hoist upward. We were all there to assist and give strength as needed. At times my children would comment about the newfound fear of heights they had just acquired. As much for them as for me I taught them to focus on the path. Don't get distracted by the fear that might surround us. Focus on what makes it easier and continue to climb. And, as a family, we did it! We reached the summit. And it was incredible! Beauty and peace beyond compare. Unlike Scout's lookout, there are few places to rest here. Only a small number are allowed to enjoy this beauty. Only those who knew there were greater things ahead and were not afraid to traverse the extremely difficult terrain to gain this blessing.
My oldest daughter is not a hiker. She does not enjoy it and has a slight fear of heights. I was worried that I would not be able to get her to join us for this. I decided to be honest with her. I told her my health concerns, letting her know this is my last hoorah before my life might change. I asked her to do this for me. How proud I am that she looked outside herself and chose to come. In fact, she was the only one who did not complain one bit. She even enjoyed to most difficult part, the scaling of the rocks, saying it was her favorite part.
How often to we look back and see that the most difficult things in life end up being the things that bring us the greatest joy, the greatest happiness, because it is true happiness gained through the blessings of a Loving God? I will not give up, no matter how hard the journey ahead will be. I know it will bring me to my knees often. I choose to succeed. I choose the beauty of the end goal, a place where Angel's land. I choose to see the goodness of God in all of this.
Knowing that my health might limit me in the future, I wanted one thing to be a representative of the journey before me. As a family, I wanted to tackle something difficult and come off triumphant. This amazing, difficult, scary hike is what I chose.
Zion National Park is an incredibly beautiful park, nestled in the canyons of southwestern Utah. I spent many vacations in my youth hiking through this beautiful vista. Angel's landing in one such hike that my parents took us on. This is a 5 Mile round trip hike with many switchbacks, steep ascents, and sheer drop offs. But it is an incredible view once you reach the top, the place where angels land.
As I hiked I couldn't help but see the whole experience as a metaphor for the life I was experiencing.
What started off as a gentle walk along the riverside, quickly became a steady climb. Life is like that.... it's not meant to be easy and calm, it's meant to challenge us. This steady climb turns to tiring switchbacks, back and forth and you ascend to a greater height. Many breaks were needed to catch our breath. We could see the goal in mind, we just needed reprieve as we worked our way there at the best pace we could give. Just like this journey of mine... I can only give so much. I need to rest when I feel the need, regain peace and reprieve to tackle the next leg of the journey.
After these difficult switchbacks comes this amazingly calm canyon. It is about 10 degrees cooler and is a gentle climb once again. I feel that the Lord blesses our lives with periods of calm just like this one. He knows what we can handle and how hard to push us before we have this time of rest. My children wanted to stop and play here, wanting to end the hike. While it's okay to spend some time in this calm, it's not where we should stop. We have greater things ahead. We have received the rest we needed for the truly difficult task ahead. Walter's Wiggles. (yes, that is really what they call the next leg of the hike. :-) )
If we thought the switchbacks earlier were hard, these are something else. We could only go one or two switchbacks before having to rest and catch our breath. There was another group in the same boat as us and we were there to encourage each other along the way. I know that in my health journey I will also have the same experience; others will be on this path with me. We can give strength and help where needed. It was because of this, seeing that someone else was strong when I was weak, and visa versa, that I was able to continue this ascent.
When this difficult part is complete, you reach Scout's lookout, a place of rest. For some, this is the journey's end. It is a beautiful sight, with vista's on either side looking over the canyon. There is plenty of area to rest, to eat lunch, and to look back on the journey it took to get here. It is here that the question must be asked: "Am I going to stop? Is this good enough for me?" This was not the end I had in mind when I started this journey. While there would be no shame in finishing now, and some of my children wanted to, I knew there were greater things ahead. We must persevere.
The final ascent it a tedious, slow one. You are literally scaling rocks, sometimes on your hands and knees, with only a chain to hold to. Many places are one way paths where you have to take turns with those coming back down. As a youth I was not scared at all. Now, if I allowed it, I was filled with fear. I knew my strength and skill level had changed and I was afraid I might fail. This is what I learned from this leg of the hike:
Other's have gone before and are there to encourage and help. Their praise of our 8 year old is what kept him going through his tears. As we passed an especially difficult part, strangers hands reached out to assist. Those strangers became saviors in a time of need. Hands reached down to lift up, others were behind to hoist upward. We were all there to assist and give strength as needed. At times my children would comment about the newfound fear of heights they had just acquired. As much for them as for me I taught them to focus on the path. Don't get distracted by the fear that might surround us. Focus on what makes it easier and continue to climb. And, as a family, we did it! We reached the summit. And it was incredible! Beauty and peace beyond compare. Unlike Scout's lookout, there are few places to rest here. Only a small number are allowed to enjoy this beauty. Only those who knew there were greater things ahead and were not afraid to traverse the extremely difficult terrain to gain this blessing.
My oldest daughter is not a hiker. She does not enjoy it and has a slight fear of heights. I was worried that I would not be able to get her to join us for this. I decided to be honest with her. I told her my health concerns, letting her know this is my last hoorah before my life might change. I asked her to do this for me. How proud I am that she looked outside herself and chose to come. In fact, she was the only one who did not complain one bit. She even enjoyed to most difficult part, the scaling of the rocks, saying it was her favorite part.
How often to we look back and see that the most difficult things in life end up being the things that bring us the greatest joy, the greatest happiness, because it is true happiness gained through the blessings of a Loving God? I will not give up, no matter how hard the journey ahead will be. I know it will bring me to my knees often. I choose to succeed. I choose the beauty of the end goal, a place where Angel's land. I choose to see the goodness of God in all of this.
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