- I Changed My Thought Process
- This is huge! (For anyone who doesn't know about thought work, I highly recommend to study it for yourself.) I no longer see myself as a victim of circumstance. I see the influence of positive energy. I know that I will be accountable to God for both my thoughts and my actions, so what am I doing with both?
- I Started Bringing Natural Products Into My Home
- The more I've learned about health, to more I realize how everything interacts. We have need of not just changing what we eat, but what we put on our body. After all, what we put on also goes in through the skin, through our airway, etc. It is not cheap, but it is worth it. I'm taking one product at a time, I started with medicine, and I'm evaluating what the total influence of that product is for me and my family. My next step is cleaning products and makeup.
- I Buy Organic Produce
- If we are worried about what we put on our body and into our body then we should also be worried about what our food in grown in and what is brought into their "bodies". I've come to see a taste difference in the produce, including organic meat when I can purchase it.
- I've Started Practicing Self-care
- Take time for yourself! You deserve it, and it is not something that is important only after everything else on the to-do list is done.
- I've Learned that Mental Health is as Important as Physical
- I do mental checks often. Why am I feeling down? Why am I feeling impatient and irritable? In other words, I talk to myself often because I know it's good for me.
- I've Learned to Listen to my Body
- When my body it telling me to slow down, I slow down. Whether the project is done or not. If that means I take my sheets off the bed but need to lay down for half hour before I put clean ones on, then that's what I do. I honor my body and it's need instead of powering ahead just to get through.
- I've Placed a Major Focus on Spiritual Health
- I prioritize my time in the scriptures and time in prayer above all else in my day. I have set out a pattern of Weekly Temple services as well. That is what my time on this earth is meant for. It is not a sacrifice.
- I Have Sought out Great Products
- I've started searching for great quality products that will help me reach the desired health I long for. With each produce I research, I take it to the Lord for confirmation to make sure it is right for my body. Two companies I began using are Juuva and Young Living. Yes, there are other good products out there, but these are what's right for my family.
- I Started to Share my Story
- What good is all this information if I keep it to myself? 😂 I began writing a book this past year and know it is what my mission is at this time.
- Above All, I Trusted God
- I trusted that this was exactly the journey I needed to take to get me where I need to be. It's been a good journey. Here's to continuing the learning this year....
Monday, January 14, 2019
10 Changes: A Year in Review
I'm sure I am just like the majority of you. The new year brings a time of reflection. Did I accomplish what I set off to accomplish this year? What changes do I want to make for the coming year? As I reflect I wanted to share 10 things that I did this year. Each of these have taught me how to take accountability for my health and given me the hope I needed regarding answers I personally needed.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
January - Serve the Homeless #davidsmission
January.
The beginning of a new year. A time when we often reflect on the year previous and look for ways that we desire to do be, to be better in the year to come. A number of years ago I changed the way I approach the new year, letting go of the traditional goal setting that often was abandoned by the end of the first month. I, instead, started choosing a one word focus, one that deepened the meaning of the changes I hoped to make. Last year I focused on a concept: Come to better know Jesus Christ. Through this, all my "goals" focused on ways to know Him better. I asked myself questions such as, How is my physical health getting in the way with my relationship with Him? What ways can I purify physical self to be more receptive of that relationship? I love the opportunity this affords me to give a more eternal focus to the changes I hope to make for the year.
This year I will also have a concept: Minister as the Savior would minister.
To begin that goal, I decided that the first month of David's mission we would Serve the Homeless. I thought it would be best to start where I feel my weakness lies. I will be the first to admit that I have often been judgmental and lacking in understanding for these individuals. I would pass them as I traveled around Temple square, doing my best to avoid eye contact. I would see them with signs, begging for money on the side of the road, while just down the block was a help-wanted sign. My thoughts were often not thoughts of compassion, seeing as Christ sees them. As I have recognized this in myself, I have tried to do better these last few years to have a more Christlike heart toward all of God's children. Why did I avoid eye contact? Was is discomfort? Fear? Not knowing what I could do? A bit of yes to all of these. I hope in this month we all can bridge the gap between that fear, that discomfort, that unknown and find a way that we can stretch ourselves to Love in a deeper way.
My daughter is involved with the handbell choir in her school. Each year they take a tour of different locations and perform throughout Salt Lake city. As this is one of my favorite Christmas activities, I always choose to chaperone this tour. Last year the choir teacher took them to a location we had never been to before: the Salt Lake County library. For anyone who has never been here before, this public space is filled with homeless individuals seeking a quiet place to rest, to get warmth, and to find a place of normalcy where they can continue to learn. As our group performed their music, the homeless listened. It struck me then that the homeless have lost more than their homes. Many have lost meaningful connections and the feeling of love from their fellow men. They have lost opportunities, such as this, where their hearts can be filled with music, where they can enjoy simple entertainment and not have think about the cares of the world. Their daily life is about survival. They don't often get a break from that burden. I was so, so grateful that this young group of musicians were able to come and give them back something they had lost.
What can we do? More than we think.
"If we find we cannot help others, the least we can do is desist from harming them" - Dalai Lama
We can change our thought work, the way we think about these individuals. We can ask the Lord to help us see with an understanding heart, to know we don't see the whole picture to understand why they are in the situation they are in. We can take the time to make eye contact, to smile at them and ask them their names and a bit about themselves. Shake their hands, place a comforting hand on their shoulders, send forth love through your words.
Our activity this month will be collecting food and making up sack lunches for the preschool children in the family Homeless shelter in Midvale, Utah. For any locals who would like to contribute time or food to this event, please follow this link: Serve
There will also be a donate button on my author Facebook page for those who live out of state and want to contribute monetarily. Marissa Allen. Look for the Shop-now button. I am also still pondering and researching the idea of having an entertainment night at the Salt Lake County Library near the end of the month. (please leave a message if you would be interested in performing).
There is so much more we can do, if we just get creative. Here are some ideas that you could ponder and pray about with your family to find a way you can help in your area:
I would love to hear what you choose to do this month! Don't forget to include #davidsmission. If you would like to keep your service quiet, that is understandable; I would still love a personal message, and possibly pictures, to include in my personal records.
Happy New Year to you all! May this year be filled with good things, especially for those we reach out to.
The beginning of a new year. A time when we often reflect on the year previous and look for ways that we desire to do be, to be better in the year to come. A number of years ago I changed the way I approach the new year, letting go of the traditional goal setting that often was abandoned by the end of the first month. I, instead, started choosing a one word focus, one that deepened the meaning of the changes I hoped to make. Last year I focused on a concept: Come to better know Jesus Christ. Through this, all my "goals" focused on ways to know Him better. I asked myself questions such as, How is my physical health getting in the way with my relationship with Him? What ways can I purify physical self to be more receptive of that relationship? I love the opportunity this affords me to give a more eternal focus to the changes I hope to make for the year.
This year I will also have a concept: Minister as the Savior would minister.
To begin that goal, I decided that the first month of David's mission we would Serve the Homeless. I thought it would be best to start where I feel my weakness lies. I will be the first to admit that I have often been judgmental and lacking in understanding for these individuals. I would pass them as I traveled around Temple square, doing my best to avoid eye contact. I would see them with signs, begging for money on the side of the road, while just down the block was a help-wanted sign. My thoughts were often not thoughts of compassion, seeing as Christ sees them. As I have recognized this in myself, I have tried to do better these last few years to have a more Christlike heart toward all of God's children. Why did I avoid eye contact? Was is discomfort? Fear? Not knowing what I could do? A bit of yes to all of these. I hope in this month we all can bridge the gap between that fear, that discomfort, that unknown and find a way that we can stretch ourselves to Love in a deeper way.
My daughter is involved with the handbell choir in her school. Each year they take a tour of different locations and perform throughout Salt Lake city. As this is one of my favorite Christmas activities, I always choose to chaperone this tour. Last year the choir teacher took them to a location we had never been to before: the Salt Lake County library. For anyone who has never been here before, this public space is filled with homeless individuals seeking a quiet place to rest, to get warmth, and to find a place of normalcy where they can continue to learn. As our group performed their music, the homeless listened. It struck me then that the homeless have lost more than their homes. Many have lost meaningful connections and the feeling of love from their fellow men. They have lost opportunities, such as this, where their hearts can be filled with music, where they can enjoy simple entertainment and not have think about the cares of the world. Their daily life is about survival. They don't often get a break from that burden. I was so, so grateful that this young group of musicians were able to come and give them back something they had lost.
What can we do? More than we think.
"If we find we cannot help others, the least we can do is desist from harming them" - Dalai Lama
We can change our thought work, the way we think about these individuals. We can ask the Lord to help us see with an understanding heart, to know we don't see the whole picture to understand why they are in the situation they are in. We can take the time to make eye contact, to smile at them and ask them their names and a bit about themselves. Shake their hands, place a comforting hand on their shoulders, send forth love through your words.
Our activity this month will be collecting food and making up sack lunches for the preschool children in the family Homeless shelter in Midvale, Utah. For any locals who would like to contribute time or food to this event, please follow this link: Serve
There will also be a donate button on my author Facebook page for those who live out of state and want to contribute monetarily. Marissa Allen. Look for the Shop-now button. I am also still pondering and researching the idea of having an entertainment night at the Salt Lake County Library near the end of the month. (please leave a message if you would be interested in performing).
There is so much more we can do, if we just get creative. Here are some ideas that you could ponder and pray about with your family to find a way you can help in your area:
- Gather a group to serve dinner at your local soup kitchen
- Donate bedding, hygiene supplies, coats, etc (lists can often be found online for your local shelter)
- Volunteer at the shelter - do crafts with the youth, work the front desk, help with laundry
- Make up "care-kits" that you keep in your car and hand out throughout the month.
- For hairstylist: offer free haircuts
- For dog groomers: offer to bath and groom their pets
- For anyone: Show respect. They are God's children, too.
- Pray for them. Any time a pass a panhandler in my car and don't have cash, I send a prayer heavenward in their behalf.
I would love to hear what you choose to do this month! Don't forget to include #davidsmission. If you would like to keep your service quiet, that is understandable; I would still love a personal message, and possibly pictures, to include in my personal records.
Happy New Year to you all! May this year be filled with good things, especially for those we reach out to.
Monday, December 17, 2018
David's Mission
It was January, 18 years ago, that we received the sad news. During a routine ultrasound we learned that our second child, a son, would not live once he was born. Due to both of his kidney's being filled with cysts, his little body was not compatible with life outside the womb. That is devastating news for a parent to hear. In that very moment you grieve the life that you have already lost, the life you thought you would have had with this precious child.
That grieving continues, not just after the initial incident passes, but at various moments over the years. Milestone events that should have been joyous moments, such as the first day of school, become times of reflections and times of pulled heartstrings. In our religion there are many milestone moments that we celebrate: the choice to be baptized; entering into the youth program, and receiving the priesthood for boys; and, as a young adult, the choice to fulfill a full time mission, to name a few.
That final example is the milestone facing us this year. David would have been 18 years old this coming May. At 18 years for boys, and 19 years for girls, our young people have the opportunity to put their world on hold and serve the Lord for a time. Why do they do this? It is not to gain numbers in our congregations, it is not to inform others that their religious choices are 'wrong', and it's not to make their resumes look good. Our members love the Lord with all their hearts. They know the Savior, and they know the joy that knowledge has brought them. It is all about LOVE. Our young people choose to sacrifice those few years of their life by taking that message of love to others, in the hopes that others might come to know the Savior personally as well, that they might find the joy and peace that we feel in our lives when we have the Savior in our hearts.
Not long after David's short stay on earth, I knew I wanted to honor this future milestone for him in some way. Now that this time has arrived for us, I want to introduce to you our family's plan. David is still very much a part of our family and very near to us often. He is currently fulfilling a mission for the Lord, just in a different way than we would have imagined. He is bringing hearts to the Savior in his own way and we want to honor David's mission on the other side by fulfilling the mission for him here that he would have served had he lived. We could not think of a better way to honor David than to serve and love God's children. We invite you to join us on this mission, a mission to bring hearts to the Savior. It is our hope that this influence to spread across the world.
Each month, for the next year, we will be picking a theme of service. Along with that theme, we will choose one larger scale service activity to do. For example, the theme for one month could be "Serve the Homeless", with an activity being the making and serving of lunch to the homeless one afternoon. But that is not all. Throughout that month we would turn our hearts to serving that group in other ways we see needed, such as stopping to talk to someone in that situation, looking them in the eyes and really paying attention to them, and offering them love.
It's hard to express in words the vision of this and the feelings of the heart that lead us here. What I do know it that I hope this influence to be more than just our family; I hope it spreads, much that way the Church's Light the World initiative does. Our 'mission' will be year long, and will hopefully change lives in the same way. We invite anyone who would like to join to take note of the following things:
1. You don't have to participate every month and in every activity. Choose ones that speak to you. Remember, even one small thing can make a big difference.
2. Use the hashtag #davidsmission to share this mission with others.
3. Please share your ideas for themes and services that you see a need for in your area, so that we might prayerfully consider the best ideas for this coming year.
4. Each month, a facebook event will be created that you can choose to participate in.
5. Spread the news! Please share this post on your social media accounts. Invite others to follow our family and to spread Christ's love, for that is ultimately the reason behind David's mission.
That grieving continues, not just after the initial incident passes, but at various moments over the years. Milestone events that should have been joyous moments, such as the first day of school, become times of reflections and times of pulled heartstrings. In our religion there are many milestone moments that we celebrate: the choice to be baptized; entering into the youth program, and receiving the priesthood for boys; and, as a young adult, the choice to fulfill a full time mission, to name a few.
That final example is the milestone facing us this year. David would have been 18 years old this coming May. At 18 years for boys, and 19 years for girls, our young people have the opportunity to put their world on hold and serve the Lord for a time. Why do they do this? It is not to gain numbers in our congregations, it is not to inform others that their religious choices are 'wrong', and it's not to make their resumes look good. Our members love the Lord with all their hearts. They know the Savior, and they know the joy that knowledge has brought them. It is all about LOVE. Our young people choose to sacrifice those few years of their life by taking that message of love to others, in the hopes that others might come to know the Savior personally as well, that they might find the joy and peace that we feel in our lives when we have the Savior in our hearts.
Not long after David's short stay on earth, I knew I wanted to honor this future milestone for him in some way. Now that this time has arrived for us, I want to introduce to you our family's plan. David is still very much a part of our family and very near to us often. He is currently fulfilling a mission for the Lord, just in a different way than we would have imagined. He is bringing hearts to the Savior in his own way and we want to honor David's mission on the other side by fulfilling the mission for him here that he would have served had he lived. We could not think of a better way to honor David than to serve and love God's children. We invite you to join us on this mission, a mission to bring hearts to the Savior. It is our hope that this influence to spread across the world.
Each month, for the next year, we will be picking a theme of service. Along with that theme, we will choose one larger scale service activity to do. For example, the theme for one month could be "Serve the Homeless", with an activity being the making and serving of lunch to the homeless one afternoon. But that is not all. Throughout that month we would turn our hearts to serving that group in other ways we see needed, such as stopping to talk to someone in that situation, looking them in the eyes and really paying attention to them, and offering them love.
It's hard to express in words the vision of this and the feelings of the heart that lead us here. What I do know it that I hope this influence to be more than just our family; I hope it spreads, much that way the Church's Light the World initiative does. Our 'mission' will be year long, and will hopefully change lives in the same way. We invite anyone who would like to join to take note of the following things:
1. You don't have to participate every month and in every activity. Choose ones that speak to you. Remember, even one small thing can make a big difference.
2. Use the hashtag #davidsmission to share this mission with others.
3. Please share your ideas for themes and services that you see a need for in your area, so that we might prayerfully consider the best ideas for this coming year.
4. Each month, a facebook event will be created that you can choose to participate in.
5. Spread the news! Please share this post on your social media accounts. Invite others to follow our family and to spread Christ's love, for that is ultimately the reason behind David's mission.
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
It's Christmastime
When my kids ask me what my favorite holiday is, I teasing reply that it is not Christmas. They are fully aware of the fact that I hate shopping. Hate it. One of the greatest inventions in the world is Amazon, where I can shop from the comfort of my home and have it delivered to my door. I don't have to waste time going from store to store, finding the best deal, competing with other shoppers for the closest parking space or waiting in long checkout lines. My time is precious to me and I would much rather spend it doing other things. So, I will pay the few extra dollars instead of shopping sales and I will deal with the plethora of amazon boxes that must be recycled. It saddens me that so much of Christmas is centered around the gifts. I would much rather buy the clothes my kids need throughout the year instead of having to wait for a holiday to give it to them. Then a gift given at Christmas could be simple and more meaningful, from the heart. Maybe some day I can change that...
In truth, there is much I love about this time of year. I love the excitement of decorating my home, of placing on the tree each ornament that has a unique memory. I love, love, love the music of the season. My private in-car or in-home, or in-shower, solo performances triple this time of year. I love the time my family spends together doing Christmas puzzles or watching Christmas movies, singing around the tree or attending recitals, making treats or coloring or any number of things we dream up for that year. I have to admit to my most favorite part of Christmas, though: The feeling of love we have for our fellow man. There is something about this time of year that draws our hearts to others. With all the planning and prepping, there is always at the top of my list "Who needs to feel Christ's love this year?"
Each year, since our sons brief visit to earth before he returned to heaven, we have chosen a service to do at Christmastime to honor him. It is the perfect way for our family to focus on serving those in need all while drawing us to our loved ones on the other side. It reinforces our testimonies that, because of Christ, we are able to see our loved ones again someday. It add extra depth to celebrating Christ's birth. What better way to honor His birth than to do work in His name?
In recent years, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints has implemented a program that leads others to do just this. The Light the world campaign gives us the opportunity to serve in the way we choose, by giving ideas of needs in the world. This year each week has a theme, with the first week being Light The World where you can reach out and serve those across the globe. Next week is Light Your Community, where we can find ways closer to home to serve. And then it gets even closer, as the third week we find ways to Light Our Family, with the final week being one of Lighting your Faith. Do you feel drawn to Light the World ?
Even with all the worldly things that surround this holiday, there is much of it that can point back to the Savior and His ministry. In my perfect world, the season would be filled with service and filled with love. In my small way I try to do my part to #lighttheworld, and pray that He will fill all our hearts with an extra measure of love this season.
I want to share one more thing. I have something exciting that I will be starting next year, a way in which I will honor our son David all year long. And I want you all to be a part of it. Look for a post coming soon that will introduce my ideas. 💓
In truth, there is much I love about this time of year. I love the excitement of decorating my home, of placing on the tree each ornament that has a unique memory. I love, love, love the music of the season. My private in-car or in-home, or in-shower, solo performances triple this time of year. I love the time my family spends together doing Christmas puzzles or watching Christmas movies, singing around the tree or attending recitals, making treats or coloring or any number of things we dream up for that year. I have to admit to my most favorite part of Christmas, though: The feeling of love we have for our fellow man. There is something about this time of year that draws our hearts to others. With all the planning and prepping, there is always at the top of my list "Who needs to feel Christ's love this year?"
Each year, since our sons brief visit to earth before he returned to heaven, we have chosen a service to do at Christmastime to honor him. It is the perfect way for our family to focus on serving those in need all while drawing us to our loved ones on the other side. It reinforces our testimonies that, because of Christ, we are able to see our loved ones again someday. It add extra depth to celebrating Christ's birth. What better way to honor His birth than to do work in His name?
In recent years, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints has implemented a program that leads others to do just this. The Light the world campaign gives us the opportunity to serve in the way we choose, by giving ideas of needs in the world. This year each week has a theme, with the first week being Light The World where you can reach out and serve those across the globe. Next week is Light Your Community, where we can find ways closer to home to serve. And then it gets even closer, as the third week we find ways to Light Our Family, with the final week being one of Lighting your Faith. Do you feel drawn to Light the World ?
Even with all the worldly things that surround this holiday, there is much of it that can point back to the Savior and His ministry. In my perfect world, the season would be filled with service and filled with love. In my small way I try to do my part to #lighttheworld, and pray that He will fill all our hearts with an extra measure of love this season.
I want to share one more thing. I have something exciting that I will be starting next year, a way in which I will honor our son David all year long. And I want you all to be a part of it. Look for a post coming soon that will introduce my ideas. 💓
David's first ornament
Given with Love from Aunt Cortney and Uncle Steve
Monday, November 12, 2018
Guest Post - Grief
This weeks post is a little different. My oldest daughter also has a blog where she shares her thoughts. With her permission, I share her post this week. It's a beautifully written post about her understanding of grief, something that I know can help many people.
Grief
When I was little I only associated the word grief with death. I knew people grieved when a loved one died, and that’s about as far as my understanding of the concept went. On May 13, 2017, I most both the best and worst decision of my life; I bought a puppy. When I held this tiny puppy and knew that she was mine, it was like every broken part of myself fell into place. I had something to take care of that needed me, and depended on me for life. She was so tiny, yet I could almost physically feel her healing the broken pieces of my soul. The love I felt for her when I held her close and kissed her soft, tiny head, was incomparable to anything I’d ever felt in my life.
Unfortunately, I had bought her without the permission of my parents, knowing full well that they had explicitly forbade me. Yet somehow I thought I could make it work. I thought I had found a loophole, a way to have a puppy and not inconvenience my parents. Instead of inconveniencing my parents, however, I inconvenienced several people who helped me out. My friend and her family had agreed to let the puppy sleep at their house at night time until I found more permanent arrangements. The arrangements I had been hoping for were that she live almost exclusively at my then boyfriend’s house, until that didn’t work out. My parents had at that time told me that the puppy was not allowed in their house, because I had deliberately disobeyed them, so my loophole of only having the puppy at my house during the day went under as well. I should have known better.
I was in the middle of this mess of my own creation when my parents approached me with a deal. If I sold the puppy, to a better home and family that could love and care for it, they would buy me another dog down the road when I would be more financially stable. You see, I was moving three hours away to college that August, and had already registered my bird as an emotional support animal. There was absolutely zero chance I would be able to take the puppy with me to college. I should’ve known better.
Well, I took their suggestion and fell to my knees, asking God with all the sincerity I could muster if this was the right choice to make. After I got my answer, I numbly created an ad on KSL for my beloved, and asked my parents if the puppy could stay at our house until I was able to sell her. They agreed, mostly (or completely) out of pity.
On May 29, 2017, my dad drove me to meet the family-to-be of my darling puppy. After the meeting was over, I watched as they drove away with the only thing I’d truly ever loved at this point in my life. I didn’t even have the emotional strength to feel heartbroken at the time, only numb. It wasn’t until later that I broke down and held my bunny in my arms, only to sell him the next day to a loving family, as I knew it would be unfair to ask my family to care for him while I went away to college. A week later, I broke up with my first boyfriend.
It was at this point in my life that my knowledge of grief was challenged. Why was I feeling such a tremendous burden on my soul? My puppy and bunny had not died, just simply gone to live with other families. Why did I feel like my entire world was coming down around me and suffocating me? I would almost have rather died than live the rest of my life like that.
A few months later I was in a relationship with a guy almost 8 years older than me. I knew we weren’t going to last, but he was a rebound and I didn’t want to be single. I moved away to go to college, leaving behind the only life I’d ever really known. It may have only been three hours away, but it may as well have been on the other side of the country for as far removed as I felt. Again, my view of grief was challenged. I felt so empty and alone, sitting in a room that for all intents and purposes, belonged to me now. My pet bird sat on my dresser like she always had, and yet nothing felt the same. None of my old friends contacted me, so I contacted them, only to receive no response.
I began to be bullied by my then boyfriend’s “friends,” one of whom was a girl who had an immense crush on him. They would message me over Facebook, nasty messages with foul language and threats. I told my boyfriend, who was pretty nonchalant about it. When he accused me of messaging this one particular girl when he had told me to block her and ignore her, I tried to defend myself and he would question me constantly, never believing me. I was in tears on my bed because the one person who was supposed to be on my side in that situation was instead accusing me and threatening to block my number. I found out that the girl’s friend had stolen my profile picture and cover picture and made them her own, and had even changed her name to mine. I assume the girl and her friend had conspired to message each other and make it look like I was sending nasty messages to her, and then sent the screenshots to my boyfriend. He believed them, and not me.
I eventually got the courage to break up with him, only to get back with him a couple days later. When he began flirting with one of my friends on Facebook and I called him out on it, he “defended himself” by calling her fat and ugly. I broke it off for good that time, and blocked him so I wouldn’t even be tempted. But ever since then, the sound of the Facebook Messenger app still chill my blood and makes me feel nauseous.
Again, I grieved. I still was convinced that I had done something wrong to cause my ex-boyfriend to mistrust me. I was still convinced that I was in the wrong in that situation, because he made me believe that I was under suspicion and had to prove myself. I grieved the loss of my surety in myself, I grieved the loss of a relationship that I hadn’t even expected to last in the first place. I was 100% better off without him, and yet I still grieved.
It was shortly after that I started hanging out with the man who I eventually married. When we got married and moved in together, I realized that I would no longer be moving up north for the summer, nor would I be visiting home as often as I had been. Then, a harsh thought struck me. Up north was no longer my home. As happy as I was being newly married, and as much as I love my husband, I grieved yet again for the loss of my place in my family. I no longer knew where I fit in with them, and the first family party I attended with my husband left me feeling so left out. My cousins treated me differently, and I desperately wished to talk to them the way I used to be able to. I left that party feeling depressed and lonely, and most of all, out of place. The wonderfulness of being married will always outweigh the grief I feel at being separated from my family, but it does not lessen the grief when I visit my family and cannot even sleep in the same house as them.
Now, living down here at college, I thought that things were going well. My husband I had both had good jobs, could easily pay rent and bills and take care of our birds, and attend school to get our degrees. And I loved my job! I worked as a CNA, taking care of residents whom I grew to love. That all came crashing down when I lost my job, due to negligence on my part. After coming out of the meeting with my now ex-boss, I got into the car and sobbed into my husband’s arms. I cried all the way home, and my hands felt heavy as I texted my mom and told her I no longer had a job. I cried into my husband’s arms and said “I’ll never get to see my residents ever again...” as I felt the weight of all of my mistakes come crashing down on me. I felt like my grief would overtake me. Nevertheless, I picked myself up and attended my next class, and had to act as if nothing had happened, as if I hadn’t just had a piece of myself ripped out. My mom commended me on not lashing out in anger, but I was too sad to be angry. I had just been fired from the only job I actually ever liked, and the sadness was overwhelming.
I have come to realize throughout these past two years that grief is not about death. Grief is about loss. Loss of a pet, loss of two pets, loss of two relationships, loss of comfort, loss of friends, loss of confidence, loss of dependence, loss of familiarity, loss of a job. When I sold my puppy and felt all those mended broken pieces shatter all over again, I thought that my grief would heal with time. It’s been almost two years, and I can say that I know the grief will never truly go away. Whenever I look at one of the few pictures I have of her, my heart aches inside my chest. As I sit home alone when I would have been at work, I think of my residents and how I’ll never see them again, and the coworkers I’ll never work with again, and I weep. I grieve, because grief is loss. And while I don’t have much hope I’ll ever be rid of this grief, I can only hope that it’ll make me stronger. Someday.
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Social Media
A few weeks ago, in the women's session of General Conference, President Nelson gave 4 challenges to the women of the Church, the first being a 10 day fast from social media and other media that brings negative thoughts or wounds the spirit. I knew immediately that I would accept the Prophets invitation, but over the course of that 10 days I have pondered much on why that would be the first challenge given.
My social media use has waxed and waned over the years, even going through a time when I had deleted my facebook account. I recently reactivated by account so as to receive information from my daughters team, all the while vowing I wouldn't spend my time mindlessly scrolling through other pages. Needless to say, my weakness took over much of the time. I'd sit down to rest and thoughtlessly open my social media apps and begin wasting time. How timely this invitation was for me. As I closed my accounts one last time that Saturday night, I promised the Lord I would give this challenge my whole heart and discover the reasons why I personally needed it.
The prophets second challenge was to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, marking every instance where Christ is mentioned. I believe that is one reason why the 10 day fast was mentioned first. The prophet knew that we would need to take away the distractions in our lives, to give our full attention to this invitation, to fully immerse ourselves in being able to feel the Spirit to its fullest. Over the course of conference weekend it was testified to me over and over again that I needed to rely on the Lord's views, not on man's views. What better way to learn the Lord's views than by reading His words? While there are things about social media that are uplifting, even ways of staying informed about the world, I believe the Lord is telling us we need to take a huge step back and learn to rely on Him in everything, first and foremost. Man's opinions and insights are so limited compared to His. If He wants us to know something, He will guide us to where we need to go to find that information.
I believe another reason for this challenge was to help us disengage from the shallow and work on the depth of ministering. I used to think that social media would help me do better at ministering. I could learn about people and what is going on in their lives, I could connect with them by making comments or "liking" their posts, I could reach a broader audience. But I realized something. The Lord's work moved forward, even before the invention of Facebook. And it was through the guidance of the Spirit that that was able to happen. Using Facebook, I learned, was an easy out. I could post an uplifting thought and feel good that I had done my duty. Where I know this does have it's place, I feel I was missing an important component. I was forgetting the prayer and the purpose behind it. Was I praying first to know who needed to feel loved that day? Was I connecting with individuals on a more personal level? Instead of a post on Facebook, would a personal text or email be more meaningful, or better yet a visit on their doorstep? Was I thinking more about the person to be loved, or the item on the checklist needing to be checked off?
When I got back on 10 days later I realized I didn't miss it. As I sat there scrolling I was dissatisfied and so unfulfilled with the time I spent "catching up." I thought I needed this tool to stay connected with people I loved or people a long distance away. I thought I needed it to help move my book forward, as the publishers encouraged me to do, by created an author page. But the truth is, all I need is the Spirit. He will guide me to those who need me. If my book is to move forward, the Lord will help me know how to do that in the right way for me.
One thing more than anything that I learned from this conference is that the work is moving forward so quickly, and we don't have time to waste on frivolous things. This thought was not overwhelming to me but instead filled me with excitement. I want to be a part of it! I want to be about the Lord's work! And I believe now is the time to decide if we are going to be on board. All I know is that I don't want to be held accountable if I have chosen to neglect His work in the pursuit of these frivolous things, when I could have been doing so much more to help my children or others gain a personal relationship with the Savior.
P.S. I get the irony of my posting this blog link on Social Media. 😜 It is what it is.
My social media use has waxed and waned over the years, even going through a time when I had deleted my facebook account. I recently reactivated by account so as to receive information from my daughters team, all the while vowing I wouldn't spend my time mindlessly scrolling through other pages. Needless to say, my weakness took over much of the time. I'd sit down to rest and thoughtlessly open my social media apps and begin wasting time. How timely this invitation was for me. As I closed my accounts one last time that Saturday night, I promised the Lord I would give this challenge my whole heart and discover the reasons why I personally needed it.
The prophets second challenge was to read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, marking every instance where Christ is mentioned. I believe that is one reason why the 10 day fast was mentioned first. The prophet knew that we would need to take away the distractions in our lives, to give our full attention to this invitation, to fully immerse ourselves in being able to feel the Spirit to its fullest. Over the course of conference weekend it was testified to me over and over again that I needed to rely on the Lord's views, not on man's views. What better way to learn the Lord's views than by reading His words? While there are things about social media that are uplifting, even ways of staying informed about the world, I believe the Lord is telling us we need to take a huge step back and learn to rely on Him in everything, first and foremost. Man's opinions and insights are so limited compared to His. If He wants us to know something, He will guide us to where we need to go to find that information.
I believe another reason for this challenge was to help us disengage from the shallow and work on the depth of ministering. I used to think that social media would help me do better at ministering. I could learn about people and what is going on in their lives, I could connect with them by making comments or "liking" their posts, I could reach a broader audience. But I realized something. The Lord's work moved forward, even before the invention of Facebook. And it was through the guidance of the Spirit that that was able to happen. Using Facebook, I learned, was an easy out. I could post an uplifting thought and feel good that I had done my duty. Where I know this does have it's place, I feel I was missing an important component. I was forgetting the prayer and the purpose behind it. Was I praying first to know who needed to feel loved that day? Was I connecting with individuals on a more personal level? Instead of a post on Facebook, would a personal text or email be more meaningful, or better yet a visit on their doorstep? Was I thinking more about the person to be loved, or the item on the checklist needing to be checked off?
When I got back on 10 days later I realized I didn't miss it. As I sat there scrolling I was dissatisfied and so unfulfilled with the time I spent "catching up." I thought I needed this tool to stay connected with people I loved or people a long distance away. I thought I needed it to help move my book forward, as the publishers encouraged me to do, by created an author page. But the truth is, all I need is the Spirit. He will guide me to those who need me. If my book is to move forward, the Lord will help me know how to do that in the right way for me.
One thing more than anything that I learned from this conference is that the work is moving forward so quickly, and we don't have time to waste on frivolous things. This thought was not overwhelming to me but instead filled me with excitement. I want to be a part of it! I want to be about the Lord's work! And I believe now is the time to decide if we are going to be on board. All I know is that I don't want to be held accountable if I have chosen to neglect His work in the pursuit of these frivolous things, when I could have been doing so much more to help my children or others gain a personal relationship with the Savior.
P.S. I get the irony of my posting this blog link on Social Media. 😜 It is what it is.
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
I Am Enough
One man wryly wrote: "I would love to run a marathon. I think it would be a great accomplishment. But that's not enough. Oh, I could take my body to the starting line and command it sternly: 'All right body! Here we go. Twenty-six miles, three hundred eighty-five yards. Do it!'" He chuckle ruefully. "My body would roll on the ground, howling with laughter, and say, 'Who are you talking to, sir?'"
I get a bit of a chuckle when I read this. I picture my body doing the same thing, laughing at me for even thinking that I could run a marathon. After picking my son up from school one day last week, we passed the cross country team practicing. He commented that it seemed like every girl his age liked to run. I, too, have felt those same sentiments. It seems like all the women around my age go running each morning, or have run in numerous marathons. For a long time, I felt there was something wrong with me. Was I missing something? Was there some inborn desire given to women that said marathons are a right of passage into the next life, and I was deficient in the gene? I had no desire to run and even less of a desire to train for a 26 mile marathon. It was just not on my bucket list. That didn't mean I didn't go through feelings of inadequacy, though. Shouldn't I want to achieve something so glorious as training for a marathon?
This past Saturday I awoke early to participate in a 5K. But not to run. Our local Junior High fine arts program was doing a fundraiser and I had volunteered as photographer. As I milled around the runners prepping to run, I was not in the least bit envious. I was not feeling any feelings of not being good enough either. I am not a runner. I have come to accept that and know it is okay. I am enough just the way I am, having succeeded in so many other areas in life. I was there as a photographer, one who has taken classes, one who has practiced and practiced over the years, one who has purchased the good equipment for task I was to perform. I have put time and energy and learning into my skill, just like a runner has purchased the right equipment and practiced hours to prepare for running marathons and 5k's. We are both enough.
My short message to everyone this week is You Are Enough! You don't have to be like everyone else. You have to be like you. And that is perfect, and enough.
I get a bit of a chuckle when I read this. I picture my body doing the same thing, laughing at me for even thinking that I could run a marathon. After picking my son up from school one day last week, we passed the cross country team practicing. He commented that it seemed like every girl his age liked to run. I, too, have felt those same sentiments. It seems like all the women around my age go running each morning, or have run in numerous marathons. For a long time, I felt there was something wrong with me. Was I missing something? Was there some inborn desire given to women that said marathons are a right of passage into the next life, and I was deficient in the gene? I had no desire to run and even less of a desire to train for a 26 mile marathon. It was just not on my bucket list. That didn't mean I didn't go through feelings of inadequacy, though. Shouldn't I want to achieve something so glorious as training for a marathon?
This past Saturday I awoke early to participate in a 5K. But not to run. Our local Junior High fine arts program was doing a fundraiser and I had volunteered as photographer. As I milled around the runners prepping to run, I was not in the least bit envious. I was not feeling any feelings of not being good enough either. I am not a runner. I have come to accept that and know it is okay. I am enough just the way I am, having succeeded in so many other areas in life. I was there as a photographer, one who has taken classes, one who has practiced and practiced over the years, one who has purchased the good equipment for task I was to perform. I have put time and energy and learning into my skill, just like a runner has purchased the right equipment and practiced hours to prepare for running marathons and 5k's. We are both enough.
My junior photographer in training
My short message to everyone this week is You Are Enough! You don't have to be like everyone else. You have to be like you. And that is perfect, and enough.
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